Im awake
Thinking bout you
But you probably in your deep sleep
With her lullaby that she sang for you

Im alone
Thinking about you
But you probably in your dreams
With her hair in your arms.
Well basically with her
--cuddling
And sleep.

You left me alone again tonight.
You love her..
You do
I can see it in your eyes
I can see the way you talk to her
I can see it when you hold her hands
Things changed.
Im no longer your favourite
Im no longer in your playlist.
Im slowly fading away from you.
Im no longer exist inside you.

I wish you can see me just like how you see her.
In the eyes.

*Ai, Oct 6

Im tired

I look so ugly at 3am.
Im a mess when I woke up.
Im not that attractive while walking down the streets.
And i wonder how did you love me
And how can you say that Im beautiful.
Dont lie.  
You dont love me.
You are lonely
You are bored
You missed being loved
And thats why you wanted me to stay.

I;ve been left twice. Without knowing why the reason was.
Left unsaid. Left hanging. Left.. alone.
It puts me into despression.
I started to mute.
Being silent is my favourite.
Reading books. Alone in my room
--Something that I'd enjoy.
School?
Another depression. With people walking around me.
Staring at me like Im some kind of an idiot.
Stupid.

But,
I didnt shout to anyone who's trying to talk with me.
I screamed. I screamed thru my playlist.
-thru papers
--thru my stare.
Yes, no heard me. I like it.
People said that Im sick.
Im not sick, Im just sad.
and no one tries to understand me.
To hang myself or to cut?

*(Ai, Oct 4)

Weak -- I called myself.
Breathing and walking, but I cant feel any energy of mine.
Am I...even moving?
I cant even help myself.
I keep saying "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"
I..am too gentle to myself.
Somehow, people like that side of me.
Too gentle, too soft.

And people starts to waste me.
Hurt me. Smash me, **** me. Slowly
With their words, with their stare.
In silent, but with meaning.
Meaning--
hate, hate, hate you and more.

I knew, I know,
but I didnt say anything. Not because Im scared.
But because Im tired. I cant shut each of their mouth.
I cant please everyone.
I know I cant.
Because Im too gentle. Too soft.
I rarely talk.
Worst than ever, I cant express any of my feelings.
People will judge me
They'll say
Poor little girl, you're pathetic. Such an attention seeker
They said that.
I heard them. Even when they're not talking.
I can see it, in their eyes. Even if they didnt tell me what did they thought about me.

But still, I didnt speak.
I say "it's okay, let's try again, shall we?"

*(Ai, Oct 3)

I even feel your fingers in my hair.
Playing around with me like a little kid.
Back then, those rainy days, you'd hug me from the back.
and when you're just tired, or left with nothing,
you'd just lay on me and sigh about life.

Dont worry, my petals,
I'll stay. As long as you want me to.
I hope you'd love me more. when I say that I'd stay.

*(Ai, Sept 30)

Back to where you belong.
Back to where you used to say 'I love you'
Back to where you used to give all you have.
Any chance? I asked
No guilty feelings, shameless.
Such a selfish
says you.

Im sorry but I want you back.
I want the old you back
I want all the sweet things back.

most of all,
I want us back.
and alive.

*(Ai, Sept 30)