Nights this cold
can make a girl wish
she had someone
to share warmth with.

You picked me up
then made me spiral down.
Like an auburn leaf
lying on the ground.
So this is how it feels to fall.
I'm crushed I don't want to feel
at all.

That crushing sensation
that you just can't take
no
not anymore.
Please.
No more.

Claw your fingers
through your hair
play that song
again
and again
once more.

Deafen your mind
with a single song
until your thoughts
are no longer muted.

Breathe
deep breaths
exhale slowly
it doesn't help
no
not anymore.

Silently cry out
for someone
anyone
no
there's no one.

Entwined by
your emotions
ensnared by
recurring thoughts.

Trapped by
your regret.
Your health
and brain
scream
to move on,
but your heart
just can't yet.

I have you back and we're better than before.
Lips locking until we're breathless,
laughter bouncing between us.
We're lighter and yet it's so much heavier
that all we can truly be is "friends".
It's so bittersweet to be better
yet settle for less, lines clearly drawn.
I'm fine with it as long as I can still have
some kind of hold over you.
My heart is darker than I had imagined it.

If fate were physical I'd say it was a breeze.
Though it's summer and the forest holds its' leaves.
The wind picks up and we're swept back together
like the fiery leaves of autumn.
If one thing is for certain I've already fallen.
When I see you my body and heart remember
what my mind has forgotten.
You make me laugh and my walls soften.
Our roots go so deep and yet our chance is rotten.
With time and distance our wind shifted,
you've swept a different leaf into your dance
and I can only see you every so often.

Just as I'm sober
I pour a drink again
and I ponder,
can I lose myself
as a friend?

Just when it's over
I want to be under again
and I can't find myself,
because I've hidden
and lost in the end.

Most people would take a look at us
and say I'm "catching feelings".
What is it about having feelings
that makes me want to throw something?
Some days my lips ache to tease your neck
and others I want to break your jaw.
The most romantic and violent scenarios
play behind my eyes and yank my heart strings
in varying twisted formations and knots.
I don't know what I've "caught".
I don't know what I've been infected with,
but I don't want it anymore.
So take it away.  Cut the beast off it's chain.
These emotions are too fierce for me to handle.

Just when you were the last thing on my mind
it's as if the breeze picks up and like two fallen leaves,
we're swept together again.
I'm forced to realize how complicated my feelings for you have become.
Our lips meet, it means nothing, and yet you still look at me that way.
You don't have eyes for me, and yet you can't break your gaze.
As if you realize it too, how we should have started here instead.
How long before you realize that it's always me you come back to?
We would be so happy together if you just dared to consider it,
and yet I'm too numb to all of this to tell you I'm right for you.
Who am I tell you what you want?
Maybe you'll figure it out this time.
All I know is I can't survive another collision with you.

Every time my feathers catch the wind again
and my wings almost lift me off the ground
Your ice shards dig deep under my rib cage
and again I crumble onto the ground
simmering embers once again, breathless.

In cinders I remain until I can truly forget
only then can I hope to fly again.

If love is a drug,
I'm just dying for a hit.

It's sad and it's lonely,
but I miss the way it lit,
the mundane humdrum routines,
of this dismal, taxing world.

It's the textbook definition of insanity,
you and me.
I just want it to be
called what it really is,
I've always craved honesty.
Yet you're afraid of me
of what would happen to "us"
if there was no longevity.
But "us" already IS
we're already everything
a real couple would be.
Call me crazy
because you can't call me your girlfriend.

What's this?  A small flower petal?
Once part of something wonderful.
Once a fragile, intricate masterpiece.
Now a lowly isolated fragment.
A candle to a flame.
No wait.  That's what's left of my heart.

Dare to be vulnerable
expose your beating heart
and the emotions pulsing,
within your fragile frame.

Feel it. Feel everything. Bare all.
You open your eyes and realize,
it's not a nest of feathers
that now warms and consoles you.

It's the many folded wings,
of your loved ones embracing you.

I hereby compile these words
representative of these moments
that I truly don't want to think of anymore.

I gather them here with the hopes
that maybe this can be my discard pile.
Just maybe they won't eventually loop their way back in
like the broken record I am.
Maybe my heart and mind can get
some long, sustained, peace
that's so truly ******* deserved.

I'll never forget the way my mom looked at me
after we just broke up
and you left my house for the last time.
"Oh honey you loved someone with your whole heart
and it didn't work out... I'm so sorry,"
she whimpered, eyes glistening with tears that wouldn't fall.

I'll never forget our "friendship"
that was essentially you expecting
the same emotional labor from me
with increasingly more conversations
centered around you and only you,
and heaven forbid if I tried to give you advice.

I'll never forget New Years Day of 2020.
My family's health crisis,
and your utter silence
or lack of any semblance of care for me.
Where were you, pal?
Later that same day my world would come crashing down
as that same day I learned of your true colors
and just how selfish and beastly they were.
How I recoiled when your handsome grin
turned to snarling fangs
when I wouldn't give you what you want
and how you tried to tear it
or manipulate it out of me
for the next several days until I chose
complete 'radio silence' from you
blocking you from every possible thing
as I saw no other option for my own health.

I'll never forget having to play music
every time I showered
in the following months
or my mind would just attack itself
going back through what you did
how it all went down, a play by play
again and again and again.

I'll never forget finally admitting to my family
that you reached out to me
with the most vague, pathetic, half assed, excuse for an apology
I have ever had the displeasure to read.
I'll never forget my older brother, so nonchalant,
saying
"Well yeah, he called you the love of his life so I kind of figured
at one point or another he'd try to reach out."
And the fun little breathless dagger twist  
I felt in my chest in that moment.

I think I just have to make peace with the fact
that I'll never understand how you can treat someone
as horrifically as you did me
and still sleep at night.
It's one thing to do what you did
but another to lie to me about it
and entirely another to do your due diligence
to try and villainize me amongst our mutual friends for it
when you and I both know all I sought was the truth
from you
and to stand up for myself.

And oh thank god I did
I wouldn't have survived your emotional vampirism,
on top of everything else I had to contend with in 2020.
I hereby submit what was 'us' to fade and die with these digital letters.
I continue on my path in hopes of finding and securing
a true love that lasts, grows and develops with me.

There are often times when I wish
my brain was technologic
and organic distractions like
unyielding emotions
and cringe worthy memories
could be downloaded
onto separate storage
could be removed
detached in entirety
and intentionally misplaced.

I almost forget you.
I almost forgot you.
Then a friend jokingly
mentions your name
and I hate you
but I miss you
*all over again.

The world only loves my words when they're pleading.
The world only loves a poet that is bleeding
passionately writing with crimson spattered abandon.
Adoration is showered upon the poet that is falling
deeper sinking into sorrows and self induced agony.
I'm just a writer that has fallen
and though my wings are quite frail I'm still crawling
to try and reach a better place, a better state again.
I'd rather let the ink do the bleeding and find a friend.
To put a breeze under my feathers
and make me smile and laugh again.
Than subject myself to memory laced emotional tortures
for the sake of art and to draw an audience.

I had resigned myself to the ember wall
around my heart.
Then out of nowhere you came in
and with your shy sweetness
and nervous eyes you lifted me out
of my ashy fortress.

I find warmth in your genuine kindness
that I thought I'd never feel again.

Yet my caution chokes my feelings back
and neither time nor distance
are on our side.

So tell me, gentle boy, what will we be?

slam the door.
Sometimes in life a door won't close,
until you put your hand on it.
Who gives a **** about windows or other doors opening?
Some doors ought to be ******* closed.
So close them, lock them, latch them, and bolt them.
Then take a breath, and keep walking.

Slam that **** door,
take the effort into your own hands,
and feel the strength and freedom that brings.

We all have one of those doors,
so why is yours still open?

Oh pretty, broken heart thief.
What was it that drew you to me?
Were you thirsting for life’s meaning
or something warm to squeeze?

Well handsome, morose heart thief
you’ve come and gone.
And now my chest is no longer warm.
You swept me off my feet
then left me
so torn.

There's a reason why the word
hurt
is in the word truth.
The double edged blade
often slices the fingers
of it's own wielder.

It had been so long,
years,
since I had creaked
open my heart.

In mere weeks
I slammed it shut
and collapsed in
on myself.

It's in one piece now
I've definitely healed
but there's still cracks
in the stained glass.

I look out from within
my stony cold fortress
when it dawns on me.

As I shattered and fell
in my own pathetic well
in the darkness spun away
that small golden key.

Now trapped I stand
looking out
through the fray
realizing I dropped
the key to my heart
and I don't know if
I can ever
love
some day.

It all comes down to this.
I'm just not appealing to guys my age.
Apparently by simply being myself I'm intimidating.
I come off as too mature, too collected, too confident, too smart.
I'll never play the role of stupid and easy,
but I'm not confident in the slightest.
I doubt myself and wince at my reflection daily.
Maybe some nights I just don't feel like showing everything.
Maybe there are parts of my skin I'd like to save for a lover.
My idea of commitment is too old fashioned for my generation.
I'm expected to be fast and easy and vulnerable in all the right places.
I'd much rather wait instead of wake up in some mistake's bed.

I'd rather make out,
than make up.
I'd rather hold on,
than let go.
I'd rather give in,
than give up.
I'd rather believe,
than know.

You no longer miss the person
but phantom sensations
of gentle physical intimacies
haunt you and make you ache
in ways you didn't before.

Such simple, common things
like watching a movie
or going out to eat
or returning to your room
can feel so stupidly lonesome.

The longing for physical
interaction
anything at all clings
and you feel so
cold?
Yes, cold.
So randomly and so strongly
but you cannot shrug it off.

So you play that song
a little louder this time
and burrow deeper
into your blankets.
Dig out a pair of
mismatched socks
but the chill permeates
from within you.

Opening my heart again made me realize
I had lit a disco ball of emotions
sending the best and worst feelings
emanating from within me outward
and in the open; exposed, vulnerable.

I had truly forgotten this sensation
of my own emotions betraying me
and stampeding out of any control
no matter how I try to push them back in
like the wrong puzzle pieces.

There's something kind of terrifying
about what affection does to us.
To go from singing
with newfound joy,
to weeping with
bitter regret,
to daydreaming
a violent solution,
to simply trying
to forget.

I've spent so exhaustingly long
trying to become what you want
I've forgotten what to want
for myself.
I don't quite fit your into your mold
yet I've so thoroughly lost my form
I can't recognize myself at times.

I think I'll take this chance
to open my rib cage,
as I watch the leaves dance,
and retrieve my little candle flame.
It once was a pulsing fire
sparking with hopes and desires,
but for what's become of it, I'm to blame.
I set my heart down and watch it flicker,
weakened by a simple breeze.
Who'd have known that developing
an affection for someone
would turn into such a dousing disease.
I once wanted my candle to be a guide
to someone just as lost in the dark as me,
and yet now the shadows are my dress
so delightfully flattering and numbing.

Your body aches for something more.
Your mind and logic fall in defeat.
Your heart stands over it all,
dragging you through every emotion.
Be they slight as eyelashes or
rough as glass shards strewn on pavement.

Your sly crooked smile
your lips twitching
asking
for a kiss.

Your heart thumping
in my ear
as I lay on your chest.

Your glances you would sneak
just to me, just for me,
when we were with others.

Your cold fingers
relaxed and posable,
in my nervous hands.

The sound of the door,
as it closed,
that last night.

The sting of finality,
restricting my lungs,
collapsing my throat.

The tears streaking
my numb face.
My first hollow, shaking breath.

My memories. Our memories.
That I am dying, just dying,
to forget.

How many more times will circumstances make a mockery of me?
Drop a guy into my life who, on paper, should be just right for me.
Check marks in each box down the hypothetical list.
Allow me to like him and go on a few dates, only to realize
that I'm not sure he's what I really wanted.
That I'm not sure I want him as much as he wants me.
To let doubt drip into my heart, and seep into my every thought.
Until I'm convinced that I'm leading him on and trapped
into telling him that we should just be friends.
I cringe and collapse in on my self loathing.  
How could I do this to someone?
How dare I try a few dates and be wicked enough
to be honest about how I feel?
I never wanted to hurt you.  I never want to hurt anyone.
Ever.
But how am I supposed to fall for someone whom I feel
is constantly trying, straining, to be what I want?
When I'm not even sure what I want, or who I want, in the first place?....

Oh handsome poison
how fast we're fading.
So fast that the word
"we"
no longer applies.

I fought with passion,
my fire burned true.
Smoldering ashes
were all I was given
in return from you.

It spills into my ears
trickling into my mind
dripping onto my heart
pooling into
the many fine cracks
and solidifying.
It swirls in my soul
quickening my pulse.

I slowly close my eyes
and for even the slightest
of moments
I'm home.
No matter where I rest
in sunlight or darkness
I belong and feel whole.

I can slip away from
my worries, my regrets.
I can slide away from
who I am, if I need to,
into a soothing tide
of rhythms and choruses.
I can float off on a soft, steady
song that reassures my
unanchored confidence.

It pours into my many
subtle wounds
and beat by beat
heals me internally.
It is my infallible remedy
so out of passionate love
and utmost appreciation
for this cure-all sensation
I sing.

Today an eyelash fell on my wrist,
and with my breath it sailed
on a wish.
That my heart will one day be
a little candle flame,
a faint hopeful spark,
to someone just as lost in the dark
as I am.

Eyelash wishes,
a crazy wish,
a foolish hope,
a far-fetched dream.

Eyelash wishes,
caught on your finger,
pondered and yearned for,
then with cautious breath,
set free.

I pulled out each and every one
those ice shards you left in my ribs.
I bled your poison from my veins.
I slung gasoline all over everything
the memories,
the phantom sensations,
the best and worst of you,
my tenderness for you,
your barbed words,
in their entirety.

Without pause I lit the match.
I let it fall from my fingers
and the inferno roared to life.
In the flames I am reborn
and though parts of me
singe away
new, stronger parts
burn anew.
For the first time in forever
I spread my wings,
feathers combing the breeze,
and fly again.

Finally my phoenix heart soars
and sings again and what's left
of you
in the ashes is forgotten completely.

That's right
I'm over you.

Step slowly closer
until our chests
almost touch.

Hover over me
lips parted
twitching into
a slight smile.

Our eyes flutter
between irises
and parted,
inquiring lips.

In that moment our
breathing so shallow
and the silence
so heavy.

Then, mind made,
your arms snake
around me and
pull me in.

You lean down
and our lips touch,
our heartbeats
filling the silence.
You just
******* away.

I want to feel that again.
I want to be breathless.
I want to just
collide
with another person
who feels the same way.

I want to make you sink.
I want you to drown in the sand
where my heart once was.
I want to drag you down,
suffocating you with the emotions
you once claimed to not understand.
I want to make you cry and beg and plead.
I want you to apologize to me
while I make you suffer the way I have
for ever having developed affection for you.

My social and intimate interactions
are like an intricate and fragile web
bending out in the breeze
ever so carefully reaching out
straining at the seems
but cautiously hopeful.

The web is sprinkled with
a few gleaming dew droplets
reflecting and refracting
self criticizing,
yet softly alluring.

Isn't it terrifying that this web
this elaborate structure
of invisible intertwining
experiences and unborn efforts
can be torn to shreds
by a mere gathering of words?

For the first time in weeks
I truly felt better today.
I'm no longer missing
those minuscule pieces
that kept me distant
and made me so hollow.
I'm no longer faking
the smile that curls
and warms my lips.
I'm no longer waiting
for the apology
that will never happen.
I'm no longer wanting
what cannot be fixed
and will rust and fade.
Slowly but surely
I'm finding myself again.
As my strength mends
thorns shroud my heart.
I will not let this happen.
I will never be this weak again.

Today was perfectly normal until I saw you.
Today was just fine until I had to pretend I
didn't notice you and act distracted by nothing.
I was ok until I recognized you and flinched.
My heart raced but not like it used to.
It pounded in fear instead of fluttering lightly.
I had just started to rebuild myself.
The cinders of my confidence and strength had
started to glow dimly, my assurance whispering.
In that moment they were instantly doused.
Leaving me weak and allowing my eyes
to nearly betray the ashes I have become.
I never tried to tell if you had noticed me.
Relief flooded me pathetically as you left.
I'm not proud of how cornered I had felt.
I'm broken but I need to believe I'm improving.
With ashen fingers,
empty eyes,
and shallow breaths,
I weakly pick up my pieces.
Some day I'll be whole again...
One day I'll look back at this and laugh.

I'll be the silky, fine sand that
slipped through your fingers.

Oh baby it's come to this now.
I'll be your one that got away.

When you see me
your heart
will feel
so
gritty.

Soft little reminders
cascading onto my hair
reminding me of Us
and how we lost Us.

Like two snowflakes
we were too different.

Soft little reminders
making my skin tingle
remding me of Us.
Reminding me
how cold it is


to be alone.


Like two snowflakes

we drifted apart.

The lightly falling,
swirling reminder
that you have no one
to get warm with.

Coating the earth
in a twinkling coat.
Rounding out
hard edges
and hiding the dirt.
For a short while
all is new and silent.

Yet inside of me
the icicles run deep.
Gleaming daggers
of silenced icy pains.

Outside I can glimmer
and hold a white smile.
Internally I'm so grey,
a thoroughly trodden slush.

Sought
In warm places
In kind faces
In understanding
adoring gazes
In copious laughter
and chortling voices
In young and foolish
misguided choices
In crackling fires
In explored desires

Found
In the many hues
and happenings
of warmth,
heartfelt belonging.

I saw you once again today
but I didn't fall apart.
I felt your gaze
pretended not to notice you
and it didn't shred my heart.

I saw you once again today
but something in me had changed.
The ashes are forming into feathers
and the feathers are sparking into flames.

I have nothing but love for a blue sky
and how its glory opens up my mind.
How it shoos away grey thoughts
of color neutral, sleeping forests.

Oh blue sky.
If I had wings
I'd make you mine.
You'd be my canvas
and my feathers,
your delicate brushes.

Oh bright blue sky
If only I had time
to sit under you
and admire your clouds.
You wear them so well.

Instead in a monotone,
desaturated schedule
I march onward.  
Only able to admire
for passing moments
inbetween places and times.
Blanketed by your sunlight.

Your words
so sweet
they stick to me
but
in larger doses
you're sickening.

So this really the end.
You don't want me as a friend.
Can't make it work or try to bend.
There's nothing left of my heart to mend.

So this is really the end.
There's no more texts to send.
Can't form a point to make.
There's nothing but this empty ache.

So this is really the end.
No arguments to defend.
My hands just to start to shake.
Feeling hollow and so small,
why'd I ever love at all.

So this is really the end.
This is really the end.
It's really the end.
Really the end.
The end.

I am one of the few
blessed with
the most lovely curse
of self awareness.
I can't take a substance
to drift off into my youth.
Through potions and vapors
my being still haunts me.
I'm fully aware of
who and what I am,
and I cannot escape me.