Our attraction is automatic
the physical tension is palpable.
Your poisonous thorns try to hook in
and burrow deep underneath my skin
but finally I am immune.
Though your eyes light my heart's darkest flame
now I have strength and we won't be the same.
You're the perfect kind of toxic
but now my only thought is
I'll only allow you to be a friend.
You better savor that last kiss babe,
because it's never happening again.

I should have left you
an oddly familiar face
an attractive stranger.

I should have left you
sitting with that smile
but curiosity won me.

I should have left you
in the past
where you belonged.

Instead I walked over
and asked your name.
Instead I fell for you
too fast
and you did the same.

Now that it's over
through the pain
I finally glimpse
the bitter truth.

You were the most handsome poison
I've ever let numb my guarded heart.

For years I've let your chains embrace my heart
and drag me down with every breeze
that's teased at my wings.

For years my feathers have kissed the asphalt
again and again
instead of caressing the sky.

Enough! I'm done with this! I scream
plunging my fingers into my chest
and ripping out those chains
those strings that made me
your puppet, your play thing for so long.

Though my hand comes back crimson
as the chains crumple at my feet,
my eyes flood with tears of relief, not pain.
And with the next strong gust
I am one with the sky again, myself again.
Bloodied, but stronger and finally free.

Even the stars eventually fade.
What is a "star-crossed" love anyway?
That chemistry dissolves or it stays.
Neither side deserves the blame.
You and I just aren't the same.
I guess you're right in the end,
I really have changed.

I picked my poison.
My poison is you.
You're so bad for me
but you said you're sorry
and here I am accepting
that we can start all over
again.
Maybe we can make it
if we start as friends.

My brain declares "no"
but my heart screams "yes!"
Begin again and take a guess
is this a sweet wine at my lips
or another glass of venom.

I'd much rather wait
instead of wake
in some mistake's bed.

I don't expect the world of myself.
Nor do I find myself capable of the world
and all it's faces and happenings.
But lately I am utterly unimpressed
with what I am.

If finding the "one" is possible
when will we become two?
When will I finally find you
and we'll be lost in each other.

When will I find you?
I wonder about you
so often now
it seems I spend
most days in a cloud.

When will I find you?
Spotting you in the crowd
like a fallen star amongst ashes.

There are days when it rains
and I just want to lay down
with my back on the pavement.
I'd stare up at the tears
of the nameless.
Pretending every chilling drop
is a faintly stinging kiss.
Then I'd fade away from it all
without notice or being missed.

Were I able to take a scalpel
to my mind
and hack you out entirely,
believe me when I say,
I would do it in an instant.

I'd let that small sad part of me
that still wants you back
and has a heart,
that skips to see you,
drown in the puddle of blood.

How am I supposed to truly live when,
no matter what I do or how I play it off,
my heart rests in your hand.
It was something you looked upon fondly once.
Now you only admire it as trinket you found,
an object you unknowingly toy with idly.
Some pretty thing you picked up off of the floor.
Though my mind strains to move on
the rest of me remains your thing, your locket.
Closed to you, and yet so painfully yours.

There's something about loving two broken men in a row
that really brings a girl down.

Twice I wanted to be the savior,
the angel whispering sweet nothings,
the candle flame in a dark cave.

Twice that flame was snuffed out,
without even a faint spark remaining.

Twice we were over,
twice they collapsed in on themselves,
and twice they tried to pull me down with them.
And thus twice something shot up from within me.
A wall, a barrier, a shield, a protective layer.

It's gentle, it doesn't suffocate me
and yet
its presence is nearly tangible.

I felt its presence most when I met another man.
An old soul like me, so kind, so tender.
An emotionally mature, self aware adult.

9 months we tried to carry this relationship to term,
and yet I could never bring myself to bear love for you.

9 months I watched you from within this cocoon around my heart.
Hoping, wanting, waiting, for another spark of passion.
But you were too scared of rejection to be that vulnerable
to play your hand, put it all out on the line.
And I'm so sorry but I just didn't have it
that kind of vulnerability
in me a third time.

You saw my Walls and you acknowledged their presence.
You understood why I had them, you could tell I was healing.
To you they were stone - rigid and solid between us.
In moments for me they were cellophone, so amiable and flimsy if only they had been tried.
And so the cocoon remained, just that, a cocoon.
And we sunk into a routine of comfort, niceties, and small gifts.
A pandemic pod of a relationship in this lonely world.

I will always have nothing but fondness for you.
Thank you for lifting me up, for treating me right,
and making me feel desirable over and over again.

For the next year I will sit in solitude,
no one's savior or angel, and I'm okay with that.
I'll make peace with the cave,
and wait to light the candle in some other dream.