I'd rather make out,
than make up.
I'd rather hold on,
than let go.
I'd rather give in,
than give up.
I'd rather believe,
than know.

There's a reason why the word
hurt
is in the word truth.
The double edged blade
often slices the fingers
of it's own wielder.

How many more times will circumstances make a mockery of me?
Drop a guy into my life who, on paper, should be just right for me.
Check marks in each box down the hypothetical list.
Allow me to like him and go on a few dates, only to realize
that I'm not sure he's what I really wanted.
That I'm not sure I want him as much as he wants me.
To let doubt drip into my heart, and seep into my every thought.
Until I'm convinced that I'm leading him on and trapped
into telling him that we should just be friends.
I cringe and collapse in on my self loathing.  
How could I do this to someone?
How dare I try a few dates and be wicked enough
to be honest about how I feel?
I never wanted to hurt you.  I never want to hurt anyone.
Ever.
But how am I supposed to fall for someone whom I feel
is constantly trying, straining, to be what I want?
When I'm not even sure what I want, or who I want, in the first place?....

The lightly falling,
swirling reminder
that you have no one
to get warm with.

Coating the earth
in a twinkling coat.
Rounding out
hard edges
and hiding the dirt.
For a short while
all is new and silent.

Yet inside of me
the icicles run deep.
Gleaming daggers
of silenced icy pains.

Outside I can glimmer
and hold a white smile.
Internally I'm so grey,
a thoroughly trodden slush.

Just as I'm sober
I pour a drink again
and I ponder,
can I lose myself
as a friend?

Just when it's over
I want to be under again
and I can't find myself,
because I've hidden
and lost in the end.

Even the stars eventually fade.
What is a "star-crossed" love anyway?
That chemistry dissolves or it stays.
Neither side deserves the blame.
You and I just aren't the same.
I guess you're right in the end,
I really have changed.

I'd much rather wait
instead of wake
in some mistake's bed.