is how my mood
(current longing latitude)
affects how deep ink seeps
and flavors it releases

sometimes
I’m numb to it

but when I set down
shield and doubt

feels sucker-punch me
imprint other pattern
stain singe teeth felt

I know
that you don’t

and you know
that I don’t

and I know
that you don’t
know I know

and prolly
vice versa

that make
all the things

kinda more
understandable

all I can say is
this karmic rubber band
is tighter than a *****

and I’m not
the only one

that’s clueless
with red welts

supple skin braille
concave instigating
letterpress caress

crescent palms grasp
milkrose hourglass
suppressing sand

as we
glide the sky
midnight to bright

Venus dimples
when she smiles
from behind

I am not
the prettiest girl
or the sexiest

not the smartest
or most talented

but I am a unique
array assembled
of whozeewhatsits

(razor blade analogies
fluorescent petal lips
coloring book flips shifting
hues and lines in real time
intense passion pigments
softened by maniacal sillies
black glitter, tears, tongue, teeth
synaptic syntax screams
billowing belly cavern
sacred swallows swimming
serifs seeping thru sweat
into fluffiest warm cotton
pinksugar dewbloom)

that will render
equivalent yet opposing
inverted complementary
juxta pair of anglepants

exquisitely speechless
with sheer me-ness

hallow mirrors blinding
four egoic eyes igniting
incinerating the dim

and in that stillness
I will feel their them
and feel it feeling
my me

betwixt twisting
our empty brimming
with eternity

...

or maybe
that happened

already

hangs upon my bleak
wall bleached by
disassociation

above a filing cabinet
storing thesis research
from The Trauma Institute
Campus at Stockholm

truly feel the impact
of old school swears

and that makes me sad

I can only hope
in four hundred years
after we're dead

some poor HS freshman
is searching the new wave
hologram CliffsNotes
to define idgaf

f this.
and that.
f the soul-******* siphons.
f the **** ******* on all the things.
f the wretched that ravages souls.
f plundering the vast unknown. f the broken that breaks us apart. f the pain that can’t find the exit door. f the non sequiturs that never stop. f all the thinks I'll never get to know. f the desert that evaporates technicolor dreams. f the reams of unsung ink.

f getting up too early. f never enough sleep.
f having no focus because mind is always trying to escape.
f the architects of this unending industrialized violent puppet reality TV.

f not having patience for utmost important because basic survival in this free range slave menagerie is just too overwhelming and chips away daily at already threadbare sanity.

f the aches under these ribs always begging for more.
f the abyss that eats cravings caved in for breakfast.

f the knowing that knows how awesomely amazingly brilliant loving flipping mind-glowingly ecstatic and jovial like a MF this existence could be.

it haunts me:

iridescent reflective ascendant peacocked wings
fluttering phoenixflies burst from ill-fit cocoons
surfing air so ******* fresh
even the Lorax ain’t got **** to say - he’s dancing
with kombucha in one hand and a DMT pipe in the other
at the festival called, I dunno, Just Because it’s ******* Monday

and we could
love and make and dream and play
all day every day every year every life...

and I look over
at this giddy ******
epic little boy version of me
and I think:
****

I have to keep trying
keep believing in the things
because the thought of leaving him
in this world, as-is
without me

is the hardest thing
I’ve ever had to think