when seeking truth
excavating sediment
and scanning density
of walls, walls, walls

we bucket and label
divide and ostracize
our grace felled

truth bubbles over
inside a *** of paradox
brimming with inconsistent
opposites

we force ourselves to separate
the mutually unexclusive

cutting the real
with ors

but the crux of true
lies inside the ands

real and surreal
easy and difficult
illuminating and confusing
painful and healing
beautiful and ugly
lost and found
utterly imperfect and
unparalleled perfection
never ready and
ever equipped

for

utmost exhilarating
and wholly frightening

outside of myself
by the tongue
into his mouth

and now
I don't know how
to get out

or if
I want to

satin slats
plumped slick
sepal pearls
Elysium entreats
welcoming warm

rocking on this swing again
where I crept into the moon
so many nights with
and without you

twirling tongue spells
whispering kisses on the wind

I sat in blackness
sky light communion
praying begging manifestivals
for just the slightest uplift
in your shadowed lids
to peep ignite

while you steeped in other brew
as if I could pry you
from your own entrapments

you employ them
in places you won't let me
because you're scared
to open your hand
fully

dailies distract the knowing
and warm your frigid sheets
then you wonder why
there's no space
for we

I know I'm Sunday mornings
flung swift at your door
requiring all your insides
from turned-out pockets

but I'm also
high-gloss, full-color
edge-of-your-seat
content symph in inter-D
and every last **** one
of the funnies

plus those coupons in the middle
to places you've never been
they kick back everything
you've thrown in
10,000 folds

uncreasing dewy
unto you

this is undoubtedly
the spun cycle

I could practically
pen a calendar
of our seasons

marked holidays
and monthly art
animating image-flips
from shimmer grins sprung
gone grinchupsidedown

imagining voiceover
as replays unfold

I'm too much
think too much
feel too much
seen too much

there's too much
wrong

encased, lowered
sealed, oxygen-devoid
decomposing underground
dunno if I'll ever be
my oddnormal alive
again

last night I didn't eat enough
drank too much, but still
not enough
to numb this chasm
climbing on feet cracked
trying to ascend
my insides

last night I cried
in my brother's arms
shaking infantile
held close - yet
lonely still

the kind of lonely
that only sets in
after you forget
what it's like
to feel

when the trauma unit
becomes your domicile
for years on years on years

you can't even know
how ****** up you are
all comparisons lost
perpetually swept under
survival mode rug

he told me
I'm not ready

for anyone

proceeded to confess he's
writing a letter to the girl he
fell in love with ten years ago

to unburden his chest
attempt a closure
or maybe crack
back open

they had a thing
it was too much

unexpected
unerasable
haunting

love discovered
then abandoned

the day after she left
he hooked up
with his son's mother
for the first time
to escape the pain

entangling himself
in surface motions
for the better part
of a decade

too much
is there still
the connection
never severed
red strings
still tied

...

I want friendship, but maybe
that's asking too much

after making love
breaking apart, gluing back
only to shatter again
without even so much
as one pillowtalktouch

yet that, says something
so strange and rare
unto itself

...

but when your mouth shuts
my brain snorts questions marking
volatile heartstops and starts

I don't wanna be
writing a letter in 10
(or would it be 8 now?)
to shut thresheld door
never walked through

I want to know real hello
if only to get

real
goodbye

retire these lines
(hypothetically)
to open bare arms

without
fresh residue of you
emanating cold bone crush
without
searching for your diamond slivers
in another set of eyes

if I know one thing
for absolutelyfuckingsure it's:
these skeletons of truth
will keep on rattling
behind closed doors
even when we'd rather

our remains
be still

underneath white walled parallels
the steel beam cemented in block

I think

is if we fail us
in 3D actuality

we stand not even
one oblique chance
with other elses
ever

start thinking it best
to hedge on those bets
table the looming
beyond believables

just to keep cracked
the door to possibility
of extraordinary love

to not strikethrough
reveries pristine
of one day being
lit perpetually