I am a paradox
I am 'brilliant' yet scatter brained
I wonder if I even have a brain at all
The gentle thumping of my heart tells me that I'm alive
But yet I see no evidence that this is all a reality

I walk in slow motion day after day
My mind is everywhere but where I presently am
I don't focus, but yet I retain
The sounds of the human life surrounding me tells me that I'm not the only one here
But what if it's all an illusion I built up in my head to keep me happy?

I'm not happy, so why do I wear such a happy tranquil face?
My mind is raging a World War III within itself
I won't win

My destiny is to lose
To lose the reality that I'm not even sure is really there
To lose the gentle thumping of my heart that tells me that I'm alive
To lose the soft buzzing of the human race that surrounds me day after day
Does anyone even notice where I am?

I am lost, to myself and to others
You don't see, yet you are my father and my mother
You say you know me better than myself
So why can't you see that my biggest wish is to rid myself of myself?

One day I will be gone
Gone
Gone

I am not what you need
But I so badly wish I could be
Oh, how I wish

I could make you smile with no falter
Laugh without a hint of a catch
Maybe even one day meet you at the alter?
But I am not your perfect match

If I could, I would
Make the rain fall from every cloud just so you could get a good nights sleep
Spread my jacket over the puddle so you wouldn't have to make that wet leap
Read you books under the stars in a polyester heaven of your own
But for now I am in a  prison that keeps us so tangent, known as a 'phone'

But I, who am I?
For I am not myself
Every breath that falls from these lips are of a strangers mouth
Every thought surging from a strangers brain
The words I need to say, lost in a sea of the brain that doesn't belong to me, I cannot speak
My heart creaks
It splinters
It stops

And then it breaks

Is your heart full of ache?
If so, it is my fault
I am not the one to fix you
I cannot find ways to fix myself
How am I supposed to fix somebody else?
So instead I just bend, bruise, and break
Every little thing that I touch
Every inch of you

I am sorry,
for I cannot help myself

Darling,
this is what movies are made of
what books are written about end after end
I am sitting here adding to the list of poems written about it
The thing that comes in a bittersweet package wrapped and sealed with a bow
You know,

Love

I cannot formulate the words I want to convey
I want to say that I'm frustrated
I want to say that I'm impatient
I want to say that I'm being crushed with a workload

But that is not enough

The tremble of my flesh aches from inside my skin and out
I feel the tension flowing through my bones as if they were a calming drug gone wrong
A drug meant to infuriate
A drug meant to devour your hope from inside out
And it's sad to say that I've been feeling this for so long

I hardly carry any of that gift that many speak of
The gift of contentedness that wobbles upon your shoulders as thin as air
That keeps you calm and serene, floating above
The rest of the people who are swimming satisfied in their own misery
As for me
I am drowning

Drowning under air, drowning under an imaginary pile of feelings and emotions
And things that I refuse to think about or even acknowledge
I sometimes pretend that I have no heart at all
I watch all the others around me banter and fall
I stay clinging to the hope I don't have
To keep myself safe

I am not safe

What is safe?
Secure?
Content?
The actual definition varies from flesh to fresh
I have not found my definition yet
But I know it's not this
Then why,
Why do I cling so tightly to the hope I do not possess?
In hopes of keeping myself in a tranquil, loveless, rest?

Yes

You looked
And that was a first
You looked
But you didn't say a word

I looked
But you'll never know, I'll never tell
I looked
But you weren't looking back

Don't look back at me
Because my fragile heart won't be able to take it
Don't you dare say a word
My fragile heart can't manage it

Please don't think of me
Because I will not know
Please don't ever wish to see me
That'd be like asking for a day of snow
In this overly sunny town

Where I don't want to be known

Yes, I would
Very much love for you to fall in love with me
But no, I don't think
I could wish that kind of torture for you

I adore you far too much
To wish something so selfish
Because it will be a position of take all and give none
I will be desperate for attention every hour of every day
I will require that you love nobody else far as much as you love me
I probably won't be the at my best, you will see
I am
a monster
A monster I don't think anyone will have the heart to conquer

I have fallen down
I have forgotten myself
Soon I will be gone

I started to see a pleasant future in your face
The glimmer of your eyes made me feel relieved
"Finally it will be worth it - running this race"
But as the days passed and passed I ceased to believe

I will not try
Too hard or even hard at all
What's the use?
Doesn't everyone say if someone wants you they will begin to pursue?
So I run
And I run
and run

But am I only running back into your arms?
I can't control my fingers or the new found sweat on my palms
I do not enjoy it
But I do not detest it
I just wish that I could know
So I didn't have to purely guess it

Love me not?
Love me so?
Should I let it rot?
Or stay swelled with hope?

So I run
and I run
and run

But I fear
I do not know
Which way I am running
Away from?
or
To you?
To you.

My fingers continue to shake, and my breath makes my chest ache
I never condoned such feelings
Or even feeling at all
What is it that makes me break my boundaries?
I think that it is head over heart
My mind creating the perfect scenario of comfort so my heart abides
It isn't real, nor is it right
But I will be safe
If you only so agree
To follow me into all the empty spaces

Follow me into all the empty spaces.

I thought the monsters were only under my bed
But they seeped into the walls
Under the tiles
In the cracks in my closet doors
I can't escape, I can't see
If they would just evaporate
Maybe I could go back
To
being
me

My heart grows wings for you
But I rip them off and let them go
As they turn to dust and fly away
So
does
my
love
for
you