I'm always beating myself up,
My own worst enemy, or so it goes
I tell myself I find it hard to think myself as
****
So I started saying it all the time.
I named myself **** and so can't be anything but.
I had been so absorbed in calling myself
Lost, unmotivated, grouchy, and awful,
That I had forgotten how powerful my words are.

I often feel lost, unaccomplished, unfulfilled.
Someone said to me the other day
"You're intelligent, witty, and beautiful"
What more could one want in a relationship?
I've accomplished that much.
Another has said before,
"You're an extremely insightful person,
those same skills will lead you to be
Successful in all areas of your life."
She said this and it was printed and
laminated onto a wall for all to see.
Yet somehow I managed to brush it off.

Somehow I manage to forget my accomplishments.
Somehow I've become human, for shame.
So I'll remind myself, I'll remember what I've been told.
I am an intelligent, witty, beautiful and lovable person.
I am successful, I am thoughtful and put my energy where it matters most.
Most importantly, I am growing.

I made that commitment long ago.
I decided that stepping into junior high,
I would grow to become friendly,
And I did.
I decided that stepping into high school,
I would grow to become a learner,
And I did.
I decided that stepping out of university I would become self-reflective,
And I have.
I decided that stepping into my job I would become future oriented,
And I will.

I made this commitment,
I signed this contract because
I matter.
Because I love myself.
Because I deserve to be my own best friend
And to be happy
And to be loving.

Because I am intelligent
And witty
And beautiful.
Because I am successful
And I will learn every time I falter.
Because I am a loved and loving person.
Because I have achieved
The respect of those I love.
Most of all,
I am commited to myself,
And I am growing.

I'm not funny, she says,
The twinkle in her eye
Sparks laughter throughout the room.
I'm really not, turning in frustration
The corners of her lips reach high.
Forcing them down, she swallows a sigh.
Sometimes she doesn't want to be happy,
But sometimes it can't be helped.

Heaven whispers peace in my
Ears, it rings so
Loudly, so all encompassing, too
Long has it been since its toll.

Ice freezes balefully on the borders,
Smooth lines drawn on the edge.

Careful grace,
Omits and voids any fears, any
Malicious shadows of a doubt.
I walk among these clouds,
Not seeing that it is all
Going so well.

Sometimes I send really long messages
Sometimes I ramble on until I've reached a character cap
Sometimes I hope you'll forgive my enthusiasm

Sometimes I wish you could just be real,
When really, it has always been my responsibility
To see you.

Sometimes I just want,
And want, it's uncomfortable
And that's okay.
It's okay to be uncomfortable
To notice that there's more to me,
That there's more to do,
Work to be done.

Sometimes you tell me phrases,
And I reject them,
Throw them deep into your throat.
I'd rather that they burn
Than for them to reach my ears,
That I be responsible for your happiness.
For that, I'm sorry

Sometimes I couldn't see,
Past the haze of anger,
Of angst that I didn't understand.
The guilt I hadn't learned to accept,
The responsibility I needed to avoid.

Sometimes I'm glad,
I had you to hold us up,
To hold me above you
While I threw stones at your head.

Sometimes I wish,
You could see me now,
To know that I'm more
Than what I was.
That I'm capable of choosing
To never be the tower
By your side.

Sometimes I'm happy,
And sometimes I'm grateful.

I am beautiful, and wonderful, and amazing.
I am strong, and loving, and worthy.
I am learning, and sometimes I won't be nice,
I won't please the people around me, or myself.
That's okay.

I know I won't always be satisfied.
I know that means I am capable of more.
That I am not perfect but,
I will strive for mastery.
That I will be known not for perfection,
But for drive and persistence
The focus on improvement.

I know that I choose to be alone.
Because I know what it is I am looking for,
I wish to grow to love a rock.
Not to fall fast and stop hard,
But to grow like ivy over barren walls
To become proud of those I choose to be around.

I choose to wait patiently,
To work toward my long term goal.
I choose, to put myself in the line of fire,
To challenge myself, that I will learn and become more powerful,
More loving than I've ever been before.

She walks in
Passing through the kitchen
She grabs a glass and the bottle of wine
She sits down at the table
The white walls reflect the light bouncing in from outside
It shows off the people walking in pairs
This was getting old
She lifts the glass toward her mouth
Pausing, she reels it back and throws it at the opposite wall
The merlot runs down the wall
And the glass sparkles through the air
She stands up and pulls herself into the shower
She stands under the water for awhile
Then without drying herself
Falls into bed