i know you hate your name
it is what your father gave you
and you will never be him.

but that is all that runs through my mind
when i drink alone
without someone to laugh
at my jokes

it's easy to forget the sunny days in the park and the hazy drunken afternoons.
swimming in sunlight and rosy cheeks,
i want to remember.

i know i will suffer
but i also know you will be there

i want to ride across states with you
and watch your eyes
light up when you see the bright lights
of the city, your home

there is a perfect time to die
has it already passed

it is the difference between staying and leaving
it is almost four years of experience and arguments and resolutions and
it is knowing when it is acceptable not to speak

it is getting drunk and being unable to think of anything but you

drowning in my glass
no apologies yet

head explodes
fragments of ideas and bone left
hanging from threads of muscle

i loved you,
that's not fair