The problem is
That I knew
The moment she avoided me
My sweet girl was gone
I knew
I tried to convince myself
That she would have told me
But I forgot
The type of woman my mother is
She would never have told me in person
So instead
I come home to an empty house
And I try to find my girl
Instead I find a note
That says,
"She's gone,
She died in my arms"
Well so what
I wasn't there
I didn't get to know
Did I?
I realize that she was trying
To protect me
But this is worse
Much worse
Now I am alone
In a house full of reminders
Why?
Why did this happen now?
Couldn't it have waited two days?
I would have been able to say good bye
There are toys everywhere
I know
I  know she was just a pet
Nothing much
But to me
She was happiness
Embodied in a fluffy little body
She was my happiness
On dark gloomy days
She never judged
She always loved me
She hated when I was sad
What would she think now?

Hello friend
You do not know me
But I see you in the hall
Alone
I just want you to know
My dear, dear friend
That I am also alone
And though
We will not be alone together
You are still not entirely alone
I am here
My unique friend
With your hair so brightly colored
It looks like fire to me
I hope that's what you wanted

I see you at lunch
Sitting at a table by yourself
Across from the room
I, too, sit alone
Do you listen to music
So that you hear the voice of people?
I do.

I hope you find happiness
My unknown friend.
I hope that
On occasion
You look across the filled room
Full of friends
And see me
And think to yourself
"Hello my unknown friend"

My heart is beating wildly out of my chest
My hands are shaking
I cannot think straight
My worries are screaming at me

What if I'm not actually that smart
I've been told all my life
That I'm clever

But without it
What am I

Without being smart
My wit is just sarcasm
And thinly veiled bitterness

Without intelligence
How can I live up to the expectations
Of the world

What if instead of being smart
I am simply average
And told I was better than I am

I could have simply gotten by all these years

The panic welling up
Threatens to consume me

What if I am crazy
Instead of eccentric
The only difference between them is being useful

What if alone I will be destroyed
By my very own mind

What if I am smart
What then
What is intelligence without being able to teach
Or show off on occasion

What if being alone with myself
Ruins my quick wit
And renders me useless
Helpless
What can I do

I need a buffer from the world
Without one I am lost
Just a single star in the sky

I need someone to explain
What is right and wrong
What is going on with these strangers

I need someone to help me
I need places I can escape to

But here and now
I am stuck by myself
And trying to react to this enormous change

Sometimes it scares me
That I don't believe
In something greater

I get sad
When the world crashes around me
And I have no one to pray to

But I can't
I can't just believe in
One god
Or two or more

I can't believe the evil and good of the world
Are living out there somewhere

My friends believe
They have tried to teach me
Tried to tell me

But it isn't that simple
I can't just say that it is God's will
I can't accept that

If I did then it would make everything worse
But if I did
Then I would get to think
That those I lost are still there

But it doesn't work like that
I do not believe
I cannot believe

I want to believe in magic
To have a word that will fix
Everything

To have a wand
That could create worlds

To be able to fly over the Earth
Look out over the oceans

But instead I am stuck on the ground
It's not that bad

But after awhile
Things get dull and bland
So I make my own magic

I use words to create images
And feelings in others

I made myself a wand
Though it made my friends
Laugh at me

I don't mind
It works well enough
For me

I use my dreams to fly over oceans
To visit places all across the world

It's an easy escape

So when the world gets too grey
And too loud

I silence everything with the magic I have made
And it has saved me
Saved my mind

Some don't get it
It is lost to them
But there is magic all around
There is always a way to find it

You just have to try

One day I will be gone.
My story will end.
I will be forgotten.

But today.
Today I will call old friends
That I haven't seen in months.

I will play with my dog.
Even though she is old and lazy
She is still my baby girl.

I will eat food that is bad for me,
Even knowing that I shouldn't.
It makes me happy and tastes so good.

I will listen to my best friend
Complain about everything in the world
While I just listen.
It's what I'm for after all.

I will dance badly to old music.
I will sing along horribly and hope the neighbors don't hear.
I will be absolutely content with my lot.

I will talk to my brother soon
And make fun of his stupid haircut
Because that's how I say I love you.

I will think about my dad.
I will see him next week.
He loves me more than he tells.

But through all of this I know.
Someday.
Some far away day.
My story will end.
As all stories do.

Eventually no one will know
That I was ever here.
But that is what is supposed to happen.
I don't need to be remembered.
The best stories are lost to time.

I am young
There is a difference between mature and wise
But both are rare in a child

I am smart
There is a different between smart and being able to work things out
But both are needed in choices

I am tired
There is a difference between quiet and accepting
But both are always assumed together

I am terrified
There is a difference between helpful and happy
But both are what I pretend to be

I am excited
There is a difference between fear and joy
But both make my heart race

I should not have to choose
I am scared
I am excited
I don't want to go
I must leave
I can't think
I can't breathe
I am hurting my heart

Why should I have to choose?
Why should I live this nightmare?
Why can't I live in peace?
Why can't they leave me out of it?
Why must I be perfect?
Why must it they look at me like that?
Why is this happening?
Why is this happening to me?

Maybe I should run away
Maybe I should let them deal with it
Maybe I can stay
Maybe I will learn to adapt
Maybe everything will be okay
Maybe things will be better
Maybe it'll all work out
Maybe it won't and everything will go wrong

I will miss the trees outside
In the first of spring when they bloom
So lovely every morning

I will miss my pets
Who love me with all they know
And all they will ever know

I will miss my friends
They will be laughing
Without me now

I will miss the kitchen
Where I made more cookies
Than I should have

I will miss my parents
But I will still see them
Every now and then

I will miss the pictures
That cover every wall
And tell the story of my life

But I will find new things
I will carry on
I will improve my life
And for that I am grateful.

Shaking
Heart in my throat
I can't see straight anymore
Too many people
Too loud
Too much pressure
What if I mess up?
It could happen
Would they laugh?
Overheating in my short dress
Starting to shiver at the same time
Been practicing for weeks on end
But what if I am wrong?
What if I do it wrong?
Drawing a blank
What was I supposed to do?
Standing in front
Lights on me
Waiting for my cue
Waiting
One
Two
Three
And THERE
Start playing
Shaking gets worse
I can't remember the notes
I don't know what I'm doing
It's done now
There is applause
I swear I'm seeing stars
Breathe in
Breathe out
Take a bow
Keep going

Fat
Thin
Hyper
Lazy
What else can we be?

Gay
Straight
Black
White
Why must we do this?

******
Pushover
Ice-cold
*****
Can't we just be people?

Crazy
Boring
Pretty
Ugly
I just want to be me.

Stupid
Smart
Geek
Stereotypical
Why do we call each other these names?

Can't I just be a person?
Why is it that no matter what I do
It's wrong?
Conflicting signals all around,
What is a girl to do?
Can't I just be me?
Please?

Memories can turn
To something like a daydream
If you do not think

Do you remember
Sure, maybe, why wouldn't I
Was it really real

Did it happen then
Am I imagining it
Maybe it's not real

Sure I can grin
And laugh at old memories
As if I were there

Maybe I was there
Maybe it was just a dream
A good dream at that

It could be a dream
I doubt I will know for sure
I don't really care

They smile and they laugh
It is like they remember
They remember me

They remember so
It must be real mustn't it
They can't be lying

I never lie
Not really
But that doesn't mean
I always tell the truth

There is more than
One way to lie
It always works
Hasn't failed me yet

There are half truths
Exaggerations
Exclusions
Unrelated words
Purposeful ignorance
Being vague

What'd you do today?
Nothing
(That you would care about)

Is your work done?
Yes
(Part of it anyway
It will be done)

I don't know what
You mean.
What are you
Talking about?

Was it okay with you?
Yes
(If you had asked
Before you did it)

I don't know.
Maybe.

Maybe I am always
Lying
To everyone
Maybe I don't really know
What the truth is

But my words create
Smiles
Happiness
They make people think
I am perfect

Not that it matters
I don't think
People ever really
Tell the truth

Hidden between lies
Even our very personalities
Change to suit
Those around us

There is a fear
Deep within us
Of telling the truth
Because we are all liars
Even if we don't know it.

There once was a mother
Who told her baby fairy tales
And the child
Grew up believing them

Once upon a time
There was a small child
Who looked for fairies
And wanted a prince

A long time ago
There was an older girl
Who looked for elves
And wanted to be a hero

In a land far, far away
There was a young woman
Who searched for happiness
And was already a hero

You won't believe what happened
There was a woman
Who found happiness
And told stories to her children

Am I an adult?
Or am I wise beyond my years?
Perhaps I just know too much.

Am I a friend?
Or a clever enemy in disguise?
Maybe I shouldn't be trusted.

Am I musician?
Or just someone who can learn?
I wonder if that's the truth.

Am I a child?
Or just stuck being judged by my age?
I could just look young.

Am I an artist?
Or do I just get bored easily?
Maybe I just copy things.

Am I pretty?
Or am I just good with makeup?
I hope I'm not just pretty.

Who am I?
I don't know.
Does anyone know?

I know who I pretend to be.
How happy and helpful
I always appear.

But is it really me?
Or is it just an illusion?
It's a good illusion.

Who I am is changing.
I am changing.
But that's okay.

Everyone changes.
Everyone pretends.
I could be anyone.

Will you remember
Once I am gone
All that we have done
And all we have seen?

Will you cry
Remembering everything
I said to you
To make you smile?

Will you laugh
Thinking of all
Of those silly
Little stories we had?

Will you someday
Tell your children
About this one friend
You had forever?

Will you tell them
About the time
That we got lost
For hours?

Will you tell
Of how I used to
Hide behind you
When we met someone new?

Will you say
That it was such a shock
You never would have
Imagined it?

Will you remember
The good times we had?
All of the laughter
And the games?

Will you remember
All the times that I was there
When everyone else
Had somewhere else to be?

Will you tell your kids
That they would have
Had a godmother
That they never met?

Will you dream at night
Of my smile?
Or my stupid jokes
That always made you giggle?

Will you ever visit me?
Will you bring me
My favorite flowers,
White roses?

Will you try to forget me?
Everything I've done,
Or said,
Or laughed at?

Please,
Say that you will remember me.
That is all that I ask.
That is all I will ever ask of you.

Nothings going to happen
But you must,
You must promise
That you will remember me.

Surrounded
By friends,
Family,
Strangers,
All pretending to care.

But no one gets it.
I don't play.
I don't dance.
I don't sing.
I'm not a toy.

Best friends,
Closest advisers,
Teachers,
Parents,
All confused.

Why don't I
Go out?
Call someone?
Go to a party?
Talk to people?

Why should I?
It's not fun.
It's loud,
Dangerous,
Terrifying.

No one thinks
Like I do.
I don't like sports,
Or people being hurt,
And I hate attention.

They think I do this
To get back at them
Because I'm weird
Because I'm a loner
To be rebellious.

But that's not it.
I'm a stranger
To all of them.
I hide between the
Pages of books.

By myself
I am loud,
Happy,
Free,
Complete.

Surrounded
I am scared,
Confused,
Trapped,
And lonely.

Yet they don't get it.
They make me
Go out,
Talk to people,
Have fun.

What is fun about
Being talked about,
Being overly polite,
Feeling the need to run,
And feeling like an outsider.

I would rather be
All alone
And complete.
Rather than surrounded
And lonely.

I have lied to my parents:
"I'm fine."
"It was wonderful!"
"I slept well last night."
"No...nothing's wrong."

I have lied to my friends:
"I'm not tired."
"I am happy."
"You did great."
"It was no problem."

I've lied to myself:
"I feel great!"
"I'm not sad."
"I can do this."
"It was awesome!"

No one ever guesses:
"Me too."
"Thank you!"
"Well I feel amazing!"
"That's great. Let me tell you..."

But people lie to me too:
"You look great!"
"It was no trouble at all."
"No, you didn't stammer."
"I'm telling you, nothing's wrong."

Don't we all lie?
To stay sane,
To stay happy,
To deal with people,
To make others happy...

Maybe not all lies are bad.
But maybe,
Maybe they are.
Maybe the lies hurt.
Maybe we are kidding ourselves.

What if no one lied?
Even to stay sane,
Even to stay happy,
Even to deal with people,
Even to make others happy...

Is the truth really that bad?
To say:
"That wasn't good."
"No. I don't like you."
"I'm having nightmares."

I will admit now:
It won't be easy.
People might get hurt.
Friends may start fighting.
People might stop being friends.

But people would say things like:
"I'm scared."
"I'm jealous."
"I really like you."
"You are a wonderful person."

So people might
Fall in love,
Make friends,
Get help they need,
Discover something new.

If you could not lie
Would it be so bad?
What would you say?
Who would you say it to?

I am a tiger who protects her friends.
I am a wind that never ends.
I am an idea that helps all.
I am a nurse who is always on call.
I am a book that has not ended.
I am a battlefield that can never be mended.
I am a clown for those I care about.
I am a map that shows the proper route.
I am a rainbow of color on a cloudy day.
I am a brick wall that will always stay.
I am original.
I am unique.
I am me.

I'm not afraid of the dark
Just what's in the dark
I'm afraid of the monsters

I'm not afraid of heights
Just afraid of falling
Forever

I'm not afraid of love
I'm afraid of being hurt
By my love

I'm not afraid to try new things
I'm afraid of failing
And being laughed at

I'm not afraid to talk to people
I'm terrified of what they have to say
Either good or bad

I'm not afraid of everything
I'm afraid of important things
And honestly
Who wouldn't be?

No one else sees my friends
They are not invisible
Just gone

I always talk to them,
Ask them for advice,
Figure out my problems,
See if they like my ideas.

My friends are kind
Intelligent
Strange
They are not normal.
But neither am I.

People call me crazy
As I walk down the hall
Talking to my friends.

These people talk to their friends
Who can be cruel
Stupid
Utterly normal
And I think:
Who is the crazy one?

Happy
Falsely happy
Strangely happy
Way too happy

Angry
Truly angry
Amazingly angry
Overwhelmingly angry

Sad
Drowning sadness
Hidden sadness
Muted sadness

Normal
Always happy
Frighteningly angry
Scarily sad

Truly
Quiet happiness
Snapping anger
Boiling sadness

To so many young
Means blind
Young does not mean blind
But sensitive.
Sensitive to light,
Noise,
Feelings.
Not sensitive but hurt.
Always too loud.
Even in silence
Screaming in my ears.
Fake smiles,
Fake laughs,
Even fake friends.
Too young they say.
Too young
And always
Always too loud.