the sun was blood orange,
dripping murderously into the
periwinkle sky, the trees were
angrily shaking their fists at
passersby, shadows looming
on the ground beside them.
the air seemed to vibrate,
abuzz with swarming voices
of the past and i swatted at the
sound in hopes that they would
not blast through the silence
i was sheltered in. it was the
end of something perilous yet
beautiful. love bit the dust almost
as hard as when it initially sank
it’s hungry teeth into the hull
of my heart, and no matter
how far away i ran
from the truth, it would pop
up in the window reflections, or
on the side of an expensive car,
staring me dead in the eyes
and i could not face
it—at least not yet—
i ran until my legs
betrayed me, no amount
of space could save me,
i just did not have a choice.
a ringing sounded
in the pit of my ears,
and when the clamor
cleared, what was left was
the remnants of your velvet
voice, drowning out any
and every other audible noise.

just six minutes. that's all. hold it together.
stop. do not cry. please don't cry. they'll all see.
bite your lip. choke it back. be stone-faced.

five more minutes. you might get kicked out of school.
your parents money will have gone to waste.
they're going to be so mad. but please don't cry. don't.

alright, four minutes. keep your composure.
stop shaking your legs. your eyes are watering.
don't cry. just look out the window.

only three minutes now. breathe. don't cry.
do not cry on this bus. cry in your room. don't think about the fact
that you might've just ruined everything. more importantly - don't cry.

just two more minutes. that's all. the sky is so pretty.
look at your nails. ignore the lump in your throat. do not cry.
i'm begging you not to cry. don't. please, please, please don't.

one more minute. almost there. breathe. stay calm.
they don't know what's wrong. don't think about the fact that you ******* up so bad.
hold it in. alright. you're home now. you can cry, but you might not stop.


*(there's a stupidly long story behind this that i honestly don't have the time or desire to explain to anybody so don't worry about it i just really needed to distract myself on the bus.)

i am a terrible liar

when i was six, and my father
asked me if i had brushed my teeth,
i hadn't, but to avoid a scolding,
i told him yes

the popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth
and my blushing cheeks gave me away,
he marched me to the bathroom

when i was ten, my mother asked me
if i'd snuck a cookie before dinner,
i hid my chocolate-covered fingers behind my back
and told her no

i forgot about the evidence right below my lip,
she laughed and shook her head,
i was given extra broccoli

when i was fourteen and my crush rejected me,
he asked me if our friendship would be awkward,
i didn't want him to feel guilty,
so i told him no

we stopped talking altogether
and for a little while it kind of hurt,
but he wasn't very cute anyway

when i was eighteen and the boy i loved broke my heart
then proceeded to ask me if i was okay,
i choked back my tears,
and i told him yes

he knew it wasn't true,
but he was all out of "i'm sorry's"
and two-hundred miles was too far for him

when you first told me that you loved me
you asked if i could ever think of you as more than a friend,
i was flooded with fear and memories of hurt,
and my first impulse was to tell you no

but then i remembered
i am a terrible liar

m.f.