The minor elation from my temporary situation

makes it all go away

if only for a few days

I can’t help my vivid imagination

from leading me astray

It’s been a long time coming

this ruse I’ve been running

I only have to fool myself

but it’s only so long before i figure it out

this can’t be good for my health

depression is a great weight loss program

but is it just a sham

am i really sad or am i just lonely

still i seek for someone to make me feel *****

like i said, it’s been a long time coming

it’s still not here yet

in a world where life has no meaning, happiness becomes a goal rather than a result.
The white noise of the fan creating music in my head.
It burns, it burns, it burns, yeah
what do you love do you love do you
appetite is lost. a mind it will cost.
bridges may be burned in order for one to learn
no other will suffice
the never ending challenges were always nice
i may have seemed cruel but
it was all in good fun
i never meant any harm
then twisted was my arm
"it will get stuck like that" they say
well it did
now i struggle to find a way
through life and love
i search as far as the stars above
no candidate stands out
why must i always shout
please stay
i'll never hurt you again
i never meant to
this shall be the end
looking forward hurts
looking back is worse
the times i've lost
the times i've taken for granted
how i miss those times
i really want to change
that should count for something
child's play we still partake
take it away and i will not wake
**** the character, **** the actor
the actor is nothing without a character
will we still act together
will we ever act for each other again
that silly act where you are mine and i am yours
this game leaves too many open sores
but it's the only way to make me happy

That roach, that roach
If only I could ****
Would that convoke?
Or I receive revoke?
Or I simply choke?
How I wish to elope
As I head down this *****

However, the roach won't go
It comes out every now and then
Shows its face only to want more
Hiding after satisfaction
My care for the roach can only be measured by my subtraction
Of health, of love
Why couldn't you be a dove?
I'm not attracted to doves
I don't want pretty and stupid
I want smarmy and witty
Oh how I love pity

That roach doesn't pity
It only wants
And all I do is give
In hopes that the roach will care
A reoccurring strategy
Maybe this time it will see me

Oh that roach, that roach
If only I could ****

This emptiness i can't feed
through these people i too easily ****
i hope i'm wrong
but i know i'm not
here in the vessel
i rot
wasting my mind
wasting my time
waiting, no rhyme
everything i try
every time i die
nothing new
one didn't work
neither did two
both were perfect
but i'm insane
i try to hard
for them
i'd always be perfect
but no one wants that
i'm cold
calculated
doing what's smart
not what's caring
but i'll always share
my everything
i'm not happy
somewhere between
mensa and model
i look for a new her
if someone understood
that...would

Did I do right?
Did I do wrong?
I tried to be polite
and with you sing that song
I'm not good with people
I hope you see that
I'm not a bad person
I just have a different point of view
I don't always know
what is and is not true
one this is though
if given the chance I'd do it all for you
you're my one hope
one shiny glimmer
on my thoughts I will often simmer
you're my one hope
one true desire
what I'd really like
is to start this fire
I'll do what I can to give you the matches
I'll even show you all of my patches
I'm not afraid of you
more so of what you'll do
what you'll choose
I'm good for you
I just need one chance to prove
What do I reveal?
Too much?
Too little?
Will you come back for more?
sometimes it hurts
how much I adore
Can we settle this score?
I'm often impatient
I want to know
Where will this go?

Before i thought change was coming

but now i’m not so sure

this pain i feel in my neck

the physical part of depression

in dreams i feel

that’s the only place it happens

i wake up drained

go to sleep pained

it will never end

how far can i bend

maybe i’m already broken

a token

of gratitude

or appreciation

i do not care which

if only i could get one

from that *****

that ******* *****

she’s done me right

and oh so wrong

my mind will always be strong

i don’t know what that means

but it’s the only truth i know

i consistently try

to eschew inconsistencies

someone else i need help please

i feel these dreams are premonitions

i do not know their true definition

it feels dreadful

i just….

don’t know

I don't know what i'm looking for
of you i'm not sure
chemistry calls this a solution
but as i ingest this with no dilution
i find the answer becomes more clear
there is no future here
i don't know if it's you or me
or where i'll be
the thing i need is dead and gone
you i will only wrong
run while you can
i'm no real man
i'm not ashamed
i'm not afraid
i want to be read
i want to have impact
but i don't want you to like it
the more you don't the better i feel
i guess it makes sense
that i never feel tense

As lightning and thunder come with the sunrise
you're all i see when i close my eyes
as i lie here wide awake
i see that day is about to break
my feelings for you
they do not waver
for this moment i will savor
you are the one i care for most
i am just feeding off of you
my host

Her ******* loss
i did well
did not toss
her aside
i was content
with her by my side
but she went
to some other man
some other clan
she raises her brood
i'm in no mood
i've got no feud
i ended up on top
her life's a flop
our paths will never cross
to her i say
her ******* loss

I don't know what i'm looking for
of you i'm not sure
chemistry calls this a solution
but as i ingest this with no dilution
i find the answer becomes more clear
there is no future here
i don't know if it's you or me
or where i'll be
the thing i need is dead and gone
you i will only wrong
run while you can
i'm no real man
i'm not ashamed
i'm not afraid
i want to be read
i want to have impact
but i don't want you to like it
the more you don't the better i feel
i guess it makes sense
that i never feel tense

Face me with any problem
and I'll solve it
Any qualm
I'll resolve it
Religion, mortality
none of this matters to me
I negotiate
nay, appreciate
conflict, resolution
I long to find all solutions
Policy maker I make great
Leader, is up for debate
I'd like the chance
to lead, to dance
the world stage
a great page
in history
I would blister
see, most people see my potential
hopefully, in the end I shall
make my knowledge known
beyond reason, I am no drone

My mind goes askew
when i think of you
where do i go
what do i know
i feel lost
in my home
my mind will roam
but it comes back
to one thing
one person
what i feel
i am certain
what i should do
i hide behind the curtain

As I sit with my elixir to my right
and my chaser to my left
This emotional burden
I wish not heft
I find myself
Wanting this girl
This is the third
Time I'll try this world
She wants another
This I know
But however
I still put on this show
I'll try and I'll try
To prove I'm worthy
If she'll give up this guy
Who I know is .....is....
I know how I feel
This feeling is real
Only if she'd see
What she means to me
She's smart
That's a start
But, will she challenge
That's the real test
If she cannot best
I'll soon to see
If she better than me
I so desperately want her to be

I'm blind going into this
They say
Ignorance is bliss
I beg to differ
I want to know
For me, I wish she'd long
Again and again
I keep singing this song

**** this
**** everything
My vision blurs
But my mind is clear
I want her
But I have many fears
If she wants
I'm here

It's a very subtle dark
the worst kind of dark
i look into this night
with eyes not adjusted to this light
or lack there of
i am fearful for my future
i hope these wounds i can suture
my mind is certain of what i want
still your feelings for what i long
should you feel back too
don't hesitate to tell
save me from this hell
please tell please tell
what i want to hear
but you will tell what i fear

is it you
is it me
where am i supposed to be
you think you know but you don't
you know how i know
because i don't
you're pretty
she is too
so is she
what to do
i like where i am
yet i don't
i'm fulfilled
except when i'm not
shallow are the waters i tread
i'm no safe bet
you'll soon regret
you think i'm talking to you
however i'm not telling who's number two

Late at night
they speak to me
i feel them
i can connect
they're cold and hot
for what i am
they care not
i don't know if
anyone knows what i mean
when i find solace
in these machines

Boy says: Hi
Girls says: Hi
Girls say to boy: Will you be my toy?
Boy says: Yes, but I must confess
Girl says: What?
Boy says: It may be more to me
Girl says: it can't be
Boy says: Why?
Girl says: There is another
Boy says: For me there is no other
Girl says: Why do you not sleep?
Boy says: For you I always weep
Girl says: I don't want to make you sad
Boy says: You don't. I knew what I was getting into.
Girl says: You only think you do
Boy says: For what I have I am glad

i see what i want
but i cannot have
does it always have to be this sad
why must i whine
why must i weep
can i not be like one of those sheep
that would be easy
nothing to weather
everything we share
no burdens to bare
us sounds nice
but there can be no us
there is already a y'all
please just catch me when i fall
will i ever find it again
the answer always seems to be never
i find it  just to have it taken away
be this as it may
i did find another so
maybe there is hope for yet another
right now however
no
no hope
no other

Is it over
Am I done?
Sadness feels gone
But I wouldn't call myself happy
I don't know if I'm optimistic
This knowledge isn't intrinsic
I don't know what to feel
No longer to I writhe from what is real
I struggle to write in this state
With sadness comes words
With this meager happiness
I'm simply at a loss
I'm simply not content
But not miserable
For now