We spent two unhappy years together taking pictures and holding hands to make a fool of the rest of the world,
I swore I loved you and although I sometimes believe I still do,
I know that deep down I never really did.
You were my first kiss in a movie theater and even though it was the first time anyone had held me that close,
Your breath tasted terrible.
Your hands were rough and your palms were sweaty and although you had good intentions,
You were holding on too tight.
I needed space and by that I meant I wanted a break,
And by a break I meant you were the worst lover that would ever make his way to my house at 3 in the morning,
You called me every night but sometimes I just really wanted sleep.
I made promises to you I knew I would never be able to keep but you believed me any way and I'm sorry for the false hope I gave you.
We sat in your room and we closed your squeaky door and I let you see places of me no one had ever seen,
But you would not be the last one to do so.
I hope it didn't hurt when I stopped answering and never called you back,
I hope it hurt less when you heard he had left me after he found out what we did while he was away.
We spent two long years together,
But you seem just like a stranger I sometimes find it hard to believe this wasn't some kind of realistic dream I had.
I hope you're not upset anymore and I hope what I did to you won't keep you from believing that she will do a better job at loving you than I did.
I hope you haven't gave up the dream of becoming an artist,
Just so you know,
I still have every hideous painting you gave me.
I haven't really changed much in the last couple of months,
I'm still a wreck confused on what is real and what I've only made up in my own head.
Don't miss me too much or you might accidently say my name while you're whispering in her ear,
I still think of you but I don't think I miss you as much as I should after two very confusing years.

I'm in the bed of a boy who barely knows my last name,
He doesn't know my favorite color or my favorite kind of flowers but he knows the way I taste after I've had a couple drinks,
I am thinking of you while kissing his lips,
He doesn't know the color of my eyes but he knows the color of my skin where my tan line ends,
He touches my skin and all the places you once discovered and I can't help but feel disgusted with myself after he finishes,
He slides his tongue through the place I only allowed you to kiss because I miss you so much I'll take whatever makes me feel the way you once did,
He kisses my neck while I lay emotionless wondering who you're doing this with tonight,
I look over at him while he drives me back home and I can't understand why I do this to myself,
He kisses my lips and I only taste the alcohol in my breath,
He doesn't know the way my eyes get heavy after I cry when I'm alone in my bedroom but he knows my awful drunken laughter,
I let him see my naked body but I could never let him see my naked soul the way you did,
I'm in the bed of a boy 5 years older than me because I need someone to love me back and this is the closest thing I've got since you left.

I haven't quite came to an understanding with my 2 a.m. thoughts,
My whole day was filled with laughter and people I made jokes with,
But here I am staring at my ceiling trying to convince myself that things can only get better.
There are people in the world who aren't surviving and have it worse than me,
But I am in a battle with my own head that seizes to come to an ending,
I want to feel alive and I want to be able to feel pleasant things again,
I'm not quite sure how I got this way but I do know that my heavy rain cloud makes itself known when the lights go out.
I have tons of friends but I have no one I can trust enough to tell how my 2 a.m. thoughts **** me,
I'm not sure this is something I can blame on anyone else but myself for letting myself get this way.
I'm not alone in this world but at night it feels like I'm the only one awake in a battle for sanity.
I used to enjoy staying up late at night but now it's a reminder how much time I have to think,
When the thinking isn't lovely the night seems to last longer.
I never believed anyone could be completely happy but I've grown to realize some people can be completely unhappy.
I wish I could fall asleep to numb this pain and forget about the world watching me break each night,
But here I am laying on a twin sized bed in the corner of a four wall bedroom fighting my 2 a.m. thoughts.

You picked me up at 6 today and I no longer felt those stupid butterflies all over my stomach,
You kissed me gently and the feeling I adored lacked to make itself present,
You looked me in the eye when you spoke but I found myself continuously looking out the window next to where you were standing,
You held my hand but my fingers have become way too small to possibly fit into yours.
I do confess,
Things have changed.
Your smile doesn't make feel any happier than when you aren't looking my way,
And everything you say has a way of bothering me.
Maybe I have grown out of the habit of you being the best part of my day,
But I still haven't quite figured out how to make my ever lasting love for you end.

I watched you drive away and you left me alone with the street lights shining above me,
The wind was cold against my red dress you loved so much and my feet were hurting from the walking I'd done through the lonely streets.
I tried to tell myself this was just another one of those silly fights we would get over the next day but I knew I would never find you standing on my doorstep holding roses.
I knew you would never put your jacket around me when the sky was dark and the night grew colder,
I knew you would never make me another of those mix tapes I loved so much,
I knew you would never hold me tighter when I was being a coward and closed my eyes when the movie was too much for me to handle,
And I knew everything we ever went through would only be memories we would think back on in the future.
I was a girl alone in the cold wearing a red dress and carrying a shattered heart,
Trying to fit the pieces back together and ended up with burning cuts,
When the boy standing across the street offered his hand,
I took it.

I used to enjoy long car rides at 2 in the morning while the only noise we heard was the soft music playing as you held my hand,
Now music is the only sound we hear because we no longer have anything to say.
You used to stare at me without saying anything because you admired me from head to toe,
Now you stare at me in silence and wonder why you're still with me.
We used to sit near the ocean tide and fall asleep next to each other in the wet sand because we liked feeling the salty water rushing over our toes,
Now you fall asleep only to make time pass faster.
I was never comfortable with the silence in my own head,
But lately you're all I've been able to think of.
If I could say anything that would persuade you to stay,
I'd remind you of the time we went on a hike and you fell in love with the way my eyes wondered around admiring everything that crossed our path.
Even though I've gotten close to losing you before,
I'm running out of excuses to give you to make you believe things will only get better.
Sometimes I make myself believe that I rather be alone than always starting my days worrying that today will be the day you will finally reach for the door,
But the feeling you give me when you kiss my forehead makes the days filled with anxiety worth it.
The weather's been tense and I think I need you more than ever,
I'm walking through the empty streets while you're in bed not even thinking of me.
You take me through the vapid ride of an emotional rollercoaster I can't seem to get off of,
And even though I wish you would just leave instead of giving me this feeling I hate,
You can lay with me until there's no more stars in the sky to look at.
I guess im just a poet who no longer knows how to find the right words to say.

I've grown tired of trying to figure out what you mean when you spit words out in the open,
You're a puzzle piece I've desperately tried to put together,
But none of the pieces fit together the way they once did .
You paint me a picture of the perfection I hope we'll find together,
But you pull it off the wall and slam it into the ground when I spend too much time admiring it.
I do not ever wish to hate you or to stay away for too long,
But lately being away from you is the best I could've done for myself.
Sometimes I spend time at the train station wondering if I should get on,
Sometimes I stand in front of the phone booth and fight dialing your number that's written at the top of my head.
It isn't hard to fall asleep anymore,
But I'm always awake at 2 in the morning wondering if you're sleeping alone.
I wish I could see you in the black suit I saw you in the night we first met,
But I burned that too as soon as you walked out on me.
I still hope we find our way back to each other,
But it's hard to return back into your arms when I can't tell if you actually mean it when you say you never want me to leave again.