i do care for you
i give you real smiles too
i dont like seeing you sad
i dont like it when you're mad
i dont like it when youre obviously fake
and sometimes i couldnt take
all your lies and hidden truths
you say you're being real
i see the good in you
but you wont let me make you feel
that we are here to guide you
we are here to support you
but
all the moments we spend
are compressed into pitch black
whenever you turn your back
and whisper things to people.
youre stabbing us with the knife
we never thought you'd hold

for december to end
january to forgive
february to reminisce
and march to forget
april to calm down
may to vanish
june to be out
july to stop
august to fade
september to break
october to remember
and november to last

i need to live in them first.

tonight i kept on asking myself
why did i worry so much
why do i even care
it should not be like this
it should not be this hard
this is high school
this is love
and this is a game for fools

everything ends
when high school ends

i want to compare
i want to undo
i want to rewind
i want to stop
but
how do i compare
how do i undo
how do i rewind
how do i stop

when i am
deeply
madly
truly
crazily and
clumsily
falling in love with you

i bid these worries goodnight
it should not hurt if you say goodbye,
because of all the pain i have been through,
they should not be different from you

everything ends
when high school ends.

i want to go back
to when i could come up to you,
sing you an old song
and nobody would look at us

i want to go back
to when i could sit so close to you,
tell you an old story
and nobody would look at us

i want to go back
to when i could cover your eyes,
make you say my name
and nobody would look at us

i want to go back
to when i gave you poems,
read you my entries
and nobody would look at us

i want to go back
to those random moments
when you wrapped your arms around me
without malice, with no second thoughts

and nobody,
not even you,
would look at us

i want to go back
to when i sang you that old song,
remember what you said?
"if only you were a boy"

and i guess thats when everything changed. you didn't care if i wasn't a boy.

she gave me letters
i always thought they were real
i knew they were, until
the burning came

she gave me necklaces,
if these turn rusty, i'll leave
until now, i have never worn them
i never wanted them to be rusty.

she gave me stuffed toys,
this one will sleep on the right side of your bed,
because you always wake up on that side
so that you'll think of me first thing in the morning

she spoke words
and numbers
and screamed to me
whispers of a loud night

i gave back more;
necklaces, bracelets
kisses and tight hugs
movies and strong hands
stuffed toys and letters, too

above all, i gave her songs to sleep with,
poems to live by
and promises to look forward to

she told me
*you shouldnt have,
we both knew we were never enough for each other,
right?

He said *come on
let's drink some more
get out of this place
and watch our feet sore
we'll be young and reckless
i'll bring you into this mess
but i promise,
baby, i promise
that tonight will be your best

i have been living
with the thought that
i have already made myself happy
i have already seen the end
of all those nights in depression,
those days of darkness
but i guess,
it's true what they say,
that love is for the weak people
who needs someone
so they could live.

now i think
i never really ran away
from all the lows of my past
they are still here
and they haunt me
by means of you.

i just realized that
on that same night,
when she gave up on me,
i gave up on myself too.

this might sound different to you
for it is coming from my lips
you haven't seen my point of view
so i wrote - something to start with

let me begin with your eyes
she is covered with paintings of
how they cried for the boy who lied
she thinks they never really shine

i have heard her talk with despise
of your arms, your chest, of your thighs
how imperfect your skin is
how uncontrollable she is

she says our whole cannot be saved
she says our heart needs to be loved
that's what your life can only be
adored by the only one who sees

she envies the body she wants
you envy the stories you read
you only see her in darkness
created special by chaos

she blocks the noise with loud screaming
captures the sound of you laughing
only to see you watching her
delete them in times of crying

but do not let her be your fear
show her you can endure the tears
be the leader to her servants
be the one who gives her commands

be strong, be brave
be she,
be her,
the girl you've always wanted to be

that, is something to start with.

you should know that -
every time i take a shower,
or hold my hands just above my face,
whenever something is in front of me,

or when someone gets too close -
i cannot say it in a poetic way, but
i always find you there.

I craved for bolder,
stronger,
badder
than what we had
but what I received
were
much more of an impact,
a combustion,
much
much
more
*cosmic

I'll inhale more oxygen
and keep them inside me.
I'll wait for you to open,
but until then,
please let me be:
the air that will embrace you,
the one who misses you,
the phone you'll talk to
until the sunlight
meets your eyes.
let me die with you;
if you need redemption,
i wish i could be
the girl who saves you
from all the tears,
from your life's disarray
and help you forget
the pain that took
the old you away.
I will raze your chaos
and make them mine.
I will claim your mess
and gather all the signs
just to have a reason
to stay for another while.

You said I am chaotic, so why choose me?*

Ah, sweetheart,
where shall I start?
Your surging tides,
your silent cries
Your mystifying desire,
your beauty afire
Your flashing radiance,
your captivating brilliance
Your unending wit,
and your eyes' mist
Your pretty soul, my love,
The truth in your dark half
You use your hands and enlighten
The painful past I have written

So why not, sweetheart?
What's not to love?

closer, closer
i want to trace your features
i need to see more,
to touch more,
to make you feel more

lay down with me
hover your hand just above my body
prove me the buzzing motions,
the strength of our connection
breathe me, breathe me

taste the love, feel the lust
give me what i desire
press those lips against mine
go harder as i yearn for more
kiss me, kiss me

no dictionary has the words,
not even my mind can make one
what is it, then?
is it more than love?
or just a common crush?
bu how come whenever your breath
touches my cheeks,
my whole body shakes?
inside and out,
from skin, down to my bones
blood rushes up to my face
and the whole place gets hot
even if you are far from me,
i feel like when i think of you -
your presence is still there
no matter how much thinking i do,
i cannot fathom the feeling
i cannot translate it as humanly as possible
i cannot write it down
i cannot explain
i cannot define
how much i yearn
and yearn
and yearn
and yearn for you
everyday.

i dont even have nice words and poems that rhyme;
im sorry i still cant live up to your expectations even if you dont need me to anymore

burn for me, let's be reckless
turn every path in flames
break for me, let's run away
and in return, i will stay

i found an angel in hell
are you lost?
we are definitely lost

we dont belong here
i go here,
but am not actually

i noticed you arent too
we can run away if you want
to the seas, far from this land

we dont belong here
i know so
i watch you fade into your own world everyday

i have never been chosen.
i was the saddened,
i was the source,
but i was always the less.

i love it when you talk to me
poet to poet,
writer to writer.

boy, you fill my days with sweet words
and she was right you can do it better
i saw how your eyes shined
i looked at them for a long time
there were roses in a field
i wonder why chaos is what i need
i wonder why your smiles cannot take me away
just like how hers do
i wonder why your touch cannot lift me up
just like how hers did
i wonder why you cannot brighten up the day
just like how she does
i wonder why, you see,
because she shouldn't be different from you,
but she is.

As I was desperately trying
to end the life I am having
Something called upon me
Ay, it's serendipity

A gust of wind came passing by,
You're too strong, I tell her
She said I am not, that is a lie
From then on, I wanted to go deeper

From then on, she let me breathe her.

i wonder

where your eyes will set
whose hands you'll hold
whose lips you'll tease
whose shoulder you'll lean on
whose presence you'll crave
what you'll stare at for hours
who you'll want
who you'll need
who you'll love

a year from now

maybe we were too crazy about each other that we needed time apart to appreciate the people around us.

I tell you everyday how much your friends love you,
how beautiful you are,
how eccentric your life is -
Not everyone is that loved.

I hope you know that you worry them too much,
they want to be with you,
this is not just jealousy,
they want to protect you.

You are their dainty angel,
as you are to me,
and they don't want you to fall,
they don't want you to get hurt.

I hope you can see how important you are
I don't want to lose you
You know I cannot leave,
but how about them?

I'll fight for you if you want me to
but if battling the winds can make you loosen your grip
onto something that has held on you forever,
I will be forced to kneel

I shall build a wall,
I will protect you from the enemy,
which is I,
my dear.

my fingers intertwine with yours-
so suddenly that you make it feel like
accidents like that happen everyday.

i open my eyes and see
the sun shining down on me
no; directly on my bed,
where i first kissed your forehead

i take a shower and feel
the water pouring down on me
no; directly on the ground
and i can still hear your sound

i search for my clothes and find
you sitting by my side
no, you're not here, not anymore
and it still makes my heart sore

i laugh with him and think about
all the times you were with me
no, i shouldn't be like this
you should be long gone to me

but no, you see, my heart is
the one that is gone from me
yes, i love you still, sweetheart
please come back, come back to me

Mom asked me about you today
and
Jesus, I didn't know what to say.

If my slight Muse do please these curious days,
The pain be mine, but thine shall be the praise.

i woke up wanting to kiss you
i woke up with palpitations, if thats what theyre called
i woke up losing my stomach
i woke up wanting to go to hell

We pretend the other does not exist
to know if we could resist
We lie for other people's sake
to know how much we could take
We stay silent to answer what this is
to know what we will painfully miss
And so we ignore
to know if we will search for more

i saw your words today
im sorry i almost cried
i dont want to remember you this way
believe me, i cant stop

i saw your words today
how are you darling?
im sorry, but there is no way
that i could get to you

you remember our last day?
when i kissed your face and said
i'll miss you forever
and i waited
and waited
and waited
and waited for a response

finally i heard you say
*i want you in my life,
but i just cant keep you anymore

the fight boils down to seeing her cry,
you cant really help it when they do.
their eyes, the tears and that broken voice (my, my)
you wipe their cheeks and cant help but wish you got hurt too.

the moment points out that you do not need angels, you do not need saving.
you need hard, painful, destructive love.
you are not worthy, you are nothing
compared to all the adoration she gives to you.

but no matter how much pushing,
no matter the hurtful words,
she will always be there
to lift you up
like you pushed her down a cliff
and she would tell you she is sorry
for standing so close to the edge.

It is in the loudest crowds
In the darkest room
In the hardest hour
In the midst of sadness
In the time of depression
In the moment of longing
It is here, and all around
Where I always find you.

then you came and words didnt have to rhyme anymore. they just fell in the right scattered places.

youre wrong when you said no one wants you.
i do. i told you i just cant love nice and pretty things. i always crave for sadness and loneliness. i crave for pain and loss; for gems, not gold. for hell, not angels.

how hard is it to be a land, really?
people make wars just to have you

How is it that you are already tired

there is something about that moment-
when i first called you for the sake of endearment,
when i met your eyes while i was in front of the whole class -
they were transparent, like looking at a glass

and it was open for me,
whole, not shattered; ignited
it was attracting me to see
it was screaming something that needs to be said

there is something about those butterflies-
you see, i had a first love: poetic love,
but never this romantic;
like everything is real and without lies

but in our skies,
we meet but can never collide.
in our skies, my dear,
you are there and i am here.

I planted kisses on your shoulder,
the cloth was not thick enough,
so I gave kisses on your back, only softer,
and they were enough.

I saw how the sun shines on you,
it was beautiful,
it was a bliss,
it was radiant.

i feel loved, i feel alone. i wish you would come home.

October, I sent you a story
out of the blue, I sang to you:
But now you left me to love another
You have shattered all my dreams

I sent my message but your mind tends
to block all the noises from my head
You were changing, as I have feared of
Never did I imagine this to happen

November, I sent you another story
I wanted to press your body onto mine
Instead I held your hands tight and hoped
You'd feel the intensity of my jealousy

We should have kissed more, you said
Believe me, I craved for your touch
You're the one who wasn't sure of me
The one who didn't understand that much

December, I begged you to stay
Did you not notice?
I fed you words
I gave you what I had

but it just wasn't enough, was it?

why do i even ask myself how someone could be so afraid of losing something like me

i still wonder why there should be faults when it would not be worth it in the end.

is as still as enormous walls,
as good as coffee in the morning,
no one could ever be as tall,
and yet she is calm like spring

is as brave as lions and tigers combined,
as bright as the afternoon skies
she could not be easily tamed,
she has her own plans to take

is as beautiful as the lit evening stars,
as **** as the burning flames of fire
she could handle all the past scars
and she is only mine to desire

We'd sneak out at midnight
I'd bring everything we need
Let us make this night lucid
Enlighten the road we'll take
It's too late now to not risk it
I'd be in pajamas
and you'll be laughing all night
We could drive
Or better yet
We could run
Free and in love
Young and strong
Let our bodies be one
Let our souls make charts
of how love should be done
Let our destiny start
Out of here and into the woods
I will come with you
I will let the silence fill the words
Of an admiration so true
And when the night is close to an end
I will breathe back the sin of love theft
We'd sleep in my truck and there I will mend
All the broken things we have left.

there is something so frustrating about not writing after feeling.

Morning comes and my thoughts are changed
Today knocks and I am saved
I hear those songs once more
And I end up closing the door.