my mind is at the boarder of two places at once.
one half twists and writhes like smoke in a glass,
the other is still and rigid and heavy.
i walk alone under a canopy of cornstalks
smelling my childhood,
bewildered by the way i've changed.
it feels as though i've been shifted to the left, just a few inches.
nothing looks the same
even though it's just like i remember it.
all i seem to do is wish for things the way they were.
i can't remember how to love anything other than dreams and faux realities.
i can never have my only desire
as long as i keep killing my own ambition.
i can't figure out how to feel anymore,
still just learning how to hide from the connection.

hundreds of minutes have passed
thousands of ticks from the second hand
photographs
empty glasses
empty classrooms
empty dreams

what happens after starting over?

my moon is covered in a lacy veil of clouds
but her smiling glow still lands softly
so the pavement sparkles back
with happy songs of glassy light

my moon keeps watch over a sleepy city
and the stray cats howl
just to be sure they're still alive
and the sidewalk rests under an icy blanket
but my thoughts are warmed by the orange glow of streetlights

my moon keeps me calm
as the wind blows away her grey veil
and her face, like that of an earthly goddess,
keeps still in my dreams
she never falters, never fades
and allows me to breathe in deeper than my own lungs ever would

the ground reflects the stars that surround her
as she rises over the spider-legged treetops
frigid air cuts at my face, like the frost under my feet
but each time i open my lungs
a warm rush of moonlight infiltrates my capillaries
and the stray cats call her by name
as she leads me back home
and sings me to sleep

i think of you, and my memories begin to wrap around me
each breath gives me less air as the python of my anxiety squeezes the life out of me
you toy with my heart
you see these emotions that decorate my sleeves
yet when you speak, your words are cold and swift
as if your eyes have been tightly shut
any kind of tears i could produce would be lost to the ground before you could begin to care
and you let me go on burning
you let me go on, stifled
you go home to your girl
and i'm left reading your words over and over,
pleading with them
begging them to change
i'm left begging you to open your eyes

you draw me in just like you always do
and my skin begins to buzz
daylight shines and reflects in your pale eyes
your frailty hides behind the snarl in your lips
and i've never seen you so focused
as you watch the smoke slide away from its chimney home
as you watch my skin slide between your fingers
i breathe you in as much as i can hold
only you can give my body this freedom
you bury your face in my hair
and you slide your fingers across my chin and towards my throat and
softly, like a leaf cutting ripples through placid water,
they create a path in my skin
i'm silently begging you to stay here in this bright room
as you bring me back to those nights we'd lay together
awake in the flickering blaze of the television
lost in each others' skin
thank you for cradling me in your long arms one last time

I keep smelling you on the clothes you left behind
But you’re nowhere to be found
It’ll be a week tomorrow
Since I lost you to that greyhound bus
But all day, all I look for
Is your body to wrap around

I finally heard your voice this morning
As close as your head on my pillow
The bright sun melted away a week’s worth of loneliness
And I glowed knowing I was on your mind
I bet nobody’s ever missed you
Quite the way that I do

All I can daydream
Is what we’ll do together
In that big grey city of yours
But when I’m really there
It’ll be painted with the brightest of light
And the darkest of ambition

We had such routine
In that little room of ours
A world all our own
I lived on your skin
And you survived on my word
And then we reluctantly left town

But I bet nobody’s ever missed you
Quite the way that I do

I find myself needing to put to paper all the mess that can’t organize itself in my brain.
I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this
It’s nothing poetic, let alone inspiring. Inspired, perhaps.
Yes
Inspired by moonlight
My tired eyes can’t seem to find a way out of the sadness they held for too long. But they’re slowly learning to fall in love again, the same way my heart is.
I’m trying to learn to be strong, baby. I’m teaching myself to be strong for you.
I’m teaching myself to play a song
For you
The lyrics forcing themselves out of your speakers know exactly what to say. They speak our feelings for us. They know what’s in our hearts.
You told me that you feel things. Baby, I think I have that same sickness. It’s the kind that lives in your heart.
If it’s what I’m thinking of, be prepared for trouble. For aching. For longing. Be prepared for words I can’t even begin to remember until they’re there on my lips.
Be prepared for joy. For unvanquished optimism. For the kind of longing that aches in the most beautiful way.

there were weeks there
where all i wanted was to be in my childhood home
amongst my books and pictures and comfortable nostalgia,
but the winds are changing.
my world is changing while i am still.
the mountains are calling for me,
"why haven't you returned?" they query.
who couldn't despise the cold any more than I,
yet now all i long for is the shivering embrace of the north.
somehow my heart becomes solid,
frozen and invincible, like the river that rushes beneath me
as i take my place along the train tracks
and feel the earth singing to me.
the time has come to run away from home.
my ears miss that howling whistle,
my skin yearns for that long gust of far-traveled air.
that rush of vibration, that ache for forward motion.
i need to be back at that spot on the tracks
to slow my pulse and make me feel alive,
shake open my lungs, shake open my heart.
i see myself as that winding train
sprinting along the river, waving goodbye to that deep city below,
running away from each frozen station
never looking back, but always coming home.
i want to come home to my mountains.

Oh what a mess you’ve placed before me
What a body I lust for
It didn’t take me long to get lost
And the danger you brought
Is only the beginning
Will the end come as hastily as the beginning?
Or will I always be bound to indecisive confusion
Stuck reaching for a perfection I’ll never find

We couldn’t so quickly hide from the cool evening sun
But the rest of the world was blind
To our blatant hunger for night
Yet since we had to settle in abandoned lots
We fed each other in quiet passion
And deepened a hole that was dug
One lonely night that never should have been
And so, in that hole, our quiet mess will sit

I smoked a cigarette in Times Square
The streets seemed light as day
With the full moon joining in on the neon party above
I made my way underground
And the subway rattled and swayed its way to Queens
Then I emerged to see your bright silhouette
Your fingers touched the sky
And I could have held you all night on that sidewalk

I drank tea at your tiny kitchen table
The January skyline sat just outside your window
It was the first time the color grey made me smile
And your tiny frame continues to carry you through time
And in our worlds apart I’ve wondered if your city ever wonders about me
I wonder if you hold our short, quiet life together the way I do
Sometimes I wish it could have lasted
We could have hibernated
The skyline could have watched us from afar
As we held ourselves captive
Forever trapped in Queens

the cold presses against my skin
but the air is oddly calm for january
almost as though spring is trying to sneak in
a current of clouds slowly slides along the shores of the universe
covering the moon with a soft veil
her edges have softened and spread
her face is blurred and she has been disguised
her light, though, gives me life
it brightens the edges of those rough places
and in this winter air, i'm warm
i have freedom!
i'm flying
not far enough away for my heart
but far enough to give me hope
enough to get me high
and get me fast
and when my feet reach the ground again
i'll bask in moonlight
until i've got strength to continue

I can see so clearly through my window
that the lights are playing games with me
but your hands don't play games
they get straight to the point.
And our mouths meet
and you become serious and determined
and my breaths are jagged.
Your shoulders are home to constellations
your eyes are home to some kind of emptiness
and I am left wanting.

a perpetual force
some kind of factor
my reaction
will always be fear
cost means consequence
consequence means shattered dreams
slow motion second hands
throwing off the whole
clock
a minute costs a dollar
we'll never get anywhere
coffee goes in the gas tank
gasoline runs through our veins
everything breaks
and there's a cost
for every second that's repaired

With heat at my back
and cold on my path,
I'm alone.
There's faces
and a blinking orange light
with question marks
and the door is closed.
The hall is empty.
The glass is cold against my knuckles,
but I just keep breathing,
trying to forget the emptiness.
Somewhere behind me I dropped my soul.
I'll have to go back,
go back, go back.
I can't go back to that place,
that dark, creaking staircase
with blinding sunlight
and short goodbyes.
I open my mouth to speak,
but I only remember two words.
I'm feeling things that aren't there.
I'm waiting for messages that will never appear.
Numb to the weather,
I'll just walk home,
'cause there's nowhere else to go.

she sends wishes to the rooftops below her
with a nod and a sigh
This tiny city seems so big when she's stuck in the middle
tall on a mountain of concrete and asphalt
while thick little raindrops kiss her skin
and she breathes in the air she misses every afternoon on the way home
She inhales the wishes that settled from the rooftops
She feels a gust of peace as she passes the cathedral door
and catches a glimpse of the sad riot of color that paints the windows
The solemn  composition of a prayer carries out into the air
but then softly diminishes among stone and steel
She sighs as she recognizes the harsh beauty
the sad revival
the colorful cold
She sees the world with eyes for beautiful sadness
She loves what surrounds her with hard comfort
and for all it's worth
she knows this isn't where she belongs
So she leaves the concrete behind
and leaves her wishes to the rooftops

i'll do anything for love
i'll sleep in every bed i find
for the chance to stay alive
i'll wear those blankets proud
i'll cry when i wake up
and scowl at the morning sun
as i walk out the front door
onto the frozen streets
it's a tale as old as time
wherever love is dead
passion for recklessness prevails

i need some arms to fall into
i'm starting to lose my balance
i'm starting to think i'm thirsty
when i've already had too much to drink
i'm waking up in the wrong places
and walking further and further to get home
scowling at the morning sun

i see my house
when the floors were covered with old wood
and plastic
and our dog was black
and our counter tops weren't finished

we loved to dance in the kitchen
she would come in from a cigarette
and i'd surprise her with her favorite song

and we'd dance

it would go past my bedtime
and i would look up at her for a second with worry

but she just kept on dancing

god only knows what kind of clear liquid was hiding
behind the cabinets or in the bathroom
but that was the beauty of the neivity of childhood
i always just thought she was happy to be with me
happy to be free
just dancing in the kitchen

was it clear when we kissed?
Did something in my eyes say: 'Run away'?
when I grabbed your hand,
did you decide then that I never would again?
was something I said too honest or true?
Is my attraction too naive?
Are my feelings too new?
was the flower too clean?
was that penny on the train tracks too flat?
was your journey so far
you were afraid of not finding your way back?
when I sang you my song, were the harmonies off?
when you touched my skin it must not have been soft.
The train still hasn't come
and there's an empty spot on the floor
and the phone doesn't have that happy ring
that it had a month before.
How could it hurt? I know you're asking.
All these inadequacies keep a person alone.
watching you leave,
no more words on the phone,
the bruises are nothing new.
But come clean.
Please, dear, tell me truthfully-
was it my skin? my eyes? my heart?
when was the final scene where it was meant to fall apart?
I may seem strong, but I fell apart.

your sweat reminds me of rain
the scent is deep and strong
you breathe a warm wind on my face
your lips touch my ear with a secret that isn't there
nothing is held back between us
the strings pull away the suitcases
and somehow we're free
you're studying my skin
as if your fingertips long for new territory
and mine has yet to be explored
but that gaze you lay with me
leaves me reminded that you've always needed this
and i've always needed this
you waste away
as my imagination wastes me
and we go back to our daily demons
grasping at the corner of a smile

you may as well have driven her to madness
never there to touch, just out of reach
that warm skin you hide,
she needed it
it was so close beneath her fingertips
but you flew away before she could hold you
so now the word "regret" appears
and she's so far gone
there's nothing she can do
she cradles your words
and aches for what could have been

the corners of glued pages
are turning brown with age
years have grown the children in the pictures
life has aged their eyes
time has hardened their hearts
to the beauty of a back yard
the serenity of a home surrounded by trees
there's enough money for everyone to share
but fat cats keep us from being free
and our focus is on green
money
not grass
oh to be a child again
to be completely oblivious
to the entire outside world
beyond the safety of the fields and farms
and the rolling hills
as real as the pictures

don't you be sad little little cigarette
i can shield from the cold snowy rain falling on your face
i'll keep you safe little little cigarette
from that rude gust of wind rudely biting your fingers
i'll keep you warm little little cigarette
i'll wrap you up in scarves and warm downy jackets
i'll nurture you my little cigarette
your toxic love fills every corner of my lungs
i'll be there for you ma petite cigarette
i love to get lost in your tiny ember glow
don't you be sad
don't you be sad
little little cigarette
i'll keep you safe til the very end
safe til there's nothing left to keep safe

the moon was shining bright over the exit sign
the halfway point
the meeting place
the music drew me in
your ghost haunting me over the radio
or was it just the smoke i'd just inhaled
telling me i was thirsty

i felt my heartbeat through my chest
my tire treads pressed against sacred ground
for a first kiss warm with laughter
but cold with memories
i couldn't think straight in that parking lot
i couldn't think straight in that convenient store
i was lost in my skin
and alone with my thoughts

so i left that lonely diner to the freezing rain
i let my engine carry me towards the other halfway home
i'm drowsy and ******
but i hit the ground running
away from the haunted convenient store
away from angry memories
but still thirsty for love
in all the wrong places

it's the morning
after the morning
wake up in my sheets
and only wish for more time to dream

the cold air is rude
and mocks the soft clothes that cover me
that kept me warm in bed
i'm too young to face this cruel world

so i'll just smoke this last cigarette
right till the very end
till the sun's warmth escapes my body
till the ashes fill my lungs
where haven't i been leaving ashes these days
when hasn't everything i touched burst into flames

i guess i'll just wait for the nighttime
cause i can't bare the infidelity of sunlight

when my thoughts are alive
and the stars calm a mind in motion
let's stay in the cold of the twilight
i'll use my flames to keep you warm

why do little boys scream and defy?
why do they kiss the leaves and hug the sky?
where do they go when they close their eyes?
they keep the angels awake when they decide to cry.
why do little boys pretend not to be afraid?
why do they think they are fearsome and brave?
where do they go when they've lost their way?
their soft little eyes beg you to stay.

you're so warm
I don't want to sleep
for fear of losing you
to the night.
you're so comfortable
I don't want you to leave
my bed will grow cold.
if you were mine
I'd never sleep
to keep you safe from the shadows.
you help me burn brighter
my smile just can't go away.
and even as the autumn winds chill
you stay warm for me.

starlight sparkles through the evergreen above our heads
and the freedom I've longed for swims through my veins
I breathe it in
and it sustains me
my toes sink into the soft earth
and my roots wind and spin within each other
like the smoke that unfurls above me

your eyes are like lanterns
their green light leads me across a proverbial bay
like some kind of symbol from literature
my mind is anything but quiet
and yet you remain all that is calm

I hardly know how to speak
your softness distracts me
there's something in the way you laugh
that makes me feel like a child

my world feels brighter
here in this northern air
my lungs feel bigger and stronger today
there's life all around me
and my thoughts are so high lately
and I don't even mind that sometimes you're silent
because all I can do is smile when your name lights up my pocket
and I'm flying free through these warm nights

it's a perfect little tragedy
a complicated coincidence
easy to think about
hard to explain
that the most awkward turn of events
begin to feel just fantastic enough
to make important things not matter as much
where does it go from here
200 miles north of here
right here when I come home
right here to the place
where it all started
that night that may never have happened
that night was what we needed
when the rest of the world was crashing down
around us