walking in the shadows
Lost
I'm looking
to the world
but for just a moment

that love would come
then singing
wishes left unspoken
and singing of
pain and heart ache
singing of
broken promises
but singing of Love's
beauty
and the world's
Love
and the world's
beauty
but singing of Love's
broken promises
singing of
pain and heart ache
and singing of
wishes left unspoken
then singing
that love would come

but for just a moment
to the world
I'm looking
Lost
walking in the shadows

The endless twilight skies
Studded with diamond stars
No sound to disturb peace
No echoing of day
The darkness is velvet
Though satin touch on my mind
A clear crisp smell
Of a cold winter day
The midnight shadow of time

The endless twilight sky
Studded with diamond stars
No sound to disturb peace
No echoes of my scars

The darkness is velvet
Though satin touch on my mind
Deep and strong and hidden
As the midnight shadow of time

You say you won't come, but you never leave
Then say you don't care,
                                But I don't believe

Still promise a chance for me to see you soon
Just step in a dance to a song in tune
My song's made of words that lure you in
Every move filled with pure sin

You say you don't look, say you don't see
You say you won't listen,
                                But I don't believe

I join one hand with yours as the other lingers
Tracing your body with gentle knowing fingers
Listen to my voice sing a minor melody
Feel my eyes enchant you with the love you see

You say you aren't hooked, say you will leave
But you don't pull away,
                                 And I don't believe

Respond to the beauty you know you can't resist
My graceful harmonies and taunting kiss
You can't pull away for a moment, always come back to me
You might be refusing, but you know you won't leave

You said you'd never love
But you don't believe

The chips are down
There's no turning back
We take what we are given
Unsure how to act
A bible in one hand
Whiskey in the other
We follow our hearts
No worse than down under
Our life is too short
To worry bout the next
Your fate is your own
Your life no mortal test
In innocent assurance
You'll do the right thing
And finally walk down
That deserted, waiting street

Bodies swaying
Music pounding
His body pressed to mine
I knew it was wrong
I had a girl
But I couldn't seem to stop
I couldn't stand
He sat down next to me
Leaning up against him
Muscles tensing at my touch
I look up
His face was so close
A mere 2 inches
He took my breath away
He laughed
And it was perfect
Soft yet deep
My heart was beating so fast
I looked up again
Our lips almost met
And then she came
But this time
When she kissed me
She didn't take my breath away

I remember her not being there
Walking alone to class
Walking a little slower than normal,
Feeling lonely without her hand in mine.

Walking to the cafe
My favorite time with her
30 minutes with her every day
But not today..

I didn't want to go in the room
Didn't want to see the empty chair
Didn't want to sit there
Not physically alone, but alone.

But there she was
Walking towards me somehow
I'm sure my heart skipped a beat
As I ran to hug her

I was completely unaware
Of the crowded room around us
All that mattered was her
In my arms

She had come in late
And decided to surprise me
It worked, I thought ironically.
And I could not be happier.

How does she do it?
Have me so wrapped around her finger
That I never want to leave
Never care for anyone else

His arms wrap around me
As tears wrack my body
The unshielded pain
Revealed in my face
The hurt of hidden feelings
Revived with force
The seed of loneliness
Had grown in my heart

But through this I am comforted
By a presence I can't conceive
A forgiving force
That releases my guilt
A loving wonder
To fill the gap
An amazing hope
That cleanses my face
And soul of stains

I need the melody
I need the harmonies
But no
Somebody trapped my melody

In my eyes can you see
All the tears I've refused to cry?
In my eyes do you see
The pain I've hidden behind a smile?

When I dance do you see
Who I was, am and could be?
When I dance do you see
How much I just wish to be free?

In my voice do you hear
The hesitation, the confusion, the fear?
In my voice do you hear
All the words I can't bear..

To say aloud.

Red, pink, gold or blue
I know not what to do
I just think of you
And your roses too

They comfort me when I'm alone
A wonderful colorful home.
A hope for happiness never known
Till I called you my own

I had wandered through the night
Never daring to fight
But your roses filled with light
Scare away my fright

I think if I were an animal
I’d be a magpie
Collect all the wonders of the world

Collect all the stories across continents
Written, read, and told
New worlds, old ones,
All the knowledge I could hold

Collect paintings, sculptures, symphonies
Till my heart has no room
Hallelujah chorus ringing deep inside me
Starry night swirls to the tune

Find the magic in a hummingbirds wings
Find beauty as a church bell sings
Find peace in a soft trickling streams
Find the wonder in collected dreams

The waves call me softly
Like the echoes of a song I heard
The sun falls in fire
Flaming my whispered words
Goodbye is spoken slowly
To the quickly fading light
Her face is softly showing
In the shadows of the night

My eyes fill with unshed tears
As I watch the stars appear
My heart says goodbye
Yet I still wish that she was here
A scar made in an instant
As a star shoots across the sky
The blood flowing, sickening
As my mind says its last goodbye

I left her with a broken heart in tow
I said to her "no longer
Are you mine to call my own."

Do you still think of me?
When the world seems
To have left me behind.
Do you think of me
When you smile and laugh
In the distance.

All I can think of is your eyes
How they use to look at me
With love and passion
Now they barely glance
For a moment in my direction

Do you love me as you did
When you wiped away my tears
When you held me
When I wanted to die
Do you love me still
Are you even still mine?

The first draft is always awkward
So I go back and write again.
But still the words seem awful
Almost worse than how they began

I wait a few days to think
Till I go back and write again
The words a little better this time
But the form is tight and thin

No luck for the starving artist
Who goes back to write again
I guess I'll be like my poem
Thin and almost worse than how I first began

When I am cold I seek warmth
When I am sad I seek comfort
When I am tired I seek rest
They say I can find these with God.
So why do I keep searching?

When I am cold I seek warmth
The warmth of God's love
Is suppose to cover me
So why do I keep freezing?

When I am sad I seek comfort
The comfort of God's presence
Is suppose to surround me
So why do I keep crying?

When I am tired I seek rest
I am tired of crying
I am tired of freezing
I am tired of searching
So I give myself to God
And rest

A fire burns inside my soul
Searing away the pain
Your body pulled close to me
Your hands keep me there
Heat and passion fill my heart
Never letting go

But you left and took my heart
I thought it would return
The pain I kept, the love I lost
Off the edge of the world
I step

Longing to feel your love
Wanting you for myelf
Feeling your arms around me again
Your lips I long to touch

Far away my heart is happy
Very far away
So close am I to your sweet touch
But so far away...

Is love

Breath deeply
Close eyes
Touch the keys
Write what's in me*

Step back in time
Open my Eyes to the light

I see the glint of amber light
Flit from string to string
Warming the bow and arm

My Eyes cloud, blurring the memory

But I remember the sound
Not every note or line
But the beauty
From every breath and mind

My Eyes drift, begin to close
I sigh, I do not wish to open my eyes
To the typing keys, and reality

They are my life,
My soul,
My heart.
How do I let that show
They are my words
My creations
How do I let them go

I say I want to be heard
But do I want them to hear me
Do I want them to know me
Once I speak, it can't be unspoken.

Every word is a memory
A part of me
How many parts
Do I have to give away
How much beauty,
How much love,
How many words
Can I say

I say my voice is power
But I manage to remain silent
I say I want to be seen
But I manage to remain invisible

They are my life,
My love,
My hope.
How do I let that show
They are my breath,
My song,
My spirit
Everything of me nobody knows

They are my heart beats, my dreams
They are everything I believe
My words are everything
Nobody seems to see

              Still...
                    Do I want to let it show?

Feeling lonely
And kinda tired
Of living
But not of life

Once I thought
My time had come
To leave this world
For the next

Life was trouble
Not worth the pain.
I tried to die, then
I had to learn to live again

I longed to live
A life full of joy
I never thought
All I had to do

Was to just keep
                    Moving on

A clear blue sky
A mountain stream
The sunlight on the water
Beauty

A mother and a child
A golden ring of promise
An angel's touch
Love

A whispering wind
A bird cooing softly
The voice of nature
Peace

A baby's laugh
A brilliant smile
Joy

A comforting light
A rainbow overhead
Hope

They ask me who I am
But I can't answer in words
For I am the one to

Give you hope
When you are lost
Give you joy
When your world is dark

Give you love
When you need it most
Give you beauty
When your eyes are closed

Give you peace
When chaos reigns

I am more than words
I am life
I am music.

They tell me I'm beautiful
But what good has that done
I'm surrounded by people
And still so alone

Me, the voice inside my head,
Me, the voice that creates my words.
Myself, the life that fills my lungs,
Myself the life that sings my songs.
I, the eyes that see the world.
I, the me the eyes of the world see

I can't talk to you in person
Can't talk face to face
It's too much of a risk
That you would see
Unshed tears and longing
Hidden in my eyes

They say if you're a poet at twenty
You're twenty
But, if your a poet at forty
You're a poet.

I feel like I'll never make it.
Some times I wonder why
I'm a poet,
Or more why I believe
I could be
A poet.

The only time I write
Are the days I cry myself
To sleep

Will I always have to cry
To be able to write
What's bottled up somewhere
Inside?

Will my words only come
When my heart feels broken
And my world begins to go
Black?

I hope not..

The tears softly clouding my heart and my mind
Slowly burning endlessly, like the agony of time
My face was beaming brightly, then filled with despair
I was so close yet so far away. I tried not to care

But tears will fall to stain my eternal pain
Jast as I fall to restless sleep only to dream of you again
My dreams are the reality I wish my life could be
A tangible love surrounds us as I hold you close to me

I do not want to dream though, it reminds me of the times
I used to hold you, our love making me blind
One day my dearest angel I will come home to you
And al the things I wished and dreamed will come true.

There is a place for me
Somewhere beyond my mind
Or maybe within my mind
Somewhere just for me

A place to cry
When my heart needs to most
A place to hide
From a world of pain

Somewhere to think
About the worlds mysteries
Somewhere I dont have to smile
When I'm not happy
Somewhere open
For when I'm yearning to be free

A place of beauty
A place of dreams
Somewhere there is a place
Just for me

The sun sets on sand castles
While the waves crash against my feet
Wind whistles past me, catching my hair
Playfully whipping it, tossing it as it does the sea

Last gold rays set the water on fire
Light rippling on every wave crested in white
Life around me quiets as the wind dies down
The only sound in the hush of the waves in the night

Smooth, cool
Ribbons of blue
Drifting gently
Or rushing greatly

Strong, light
Endless like the skies
Twisting, shifting
Through the land, flowing

They reflect the sky
When sunsets light it on fire
Becoming a living, moving flame.
Rivers- Beauty's everlasting name

My words will flow
Like the waves or a breeze
To touch every heart
I hope to put at ease

Though my breath is gone
And my body still
My voice is strong
Still here to help if it will

Perhaps a smile or laugh
Is all you remember
Perhaps thats all you need
To my love remember

My life will live
Through those hearts still here
My love will flourish
Through those hearts not tears

"Hey let's take a walk."
He's hesitant..
He won't hold my hand
But I guess I will just go along

"I'm not sure how to say this,"
Oh no.. not this...
"I don't think we should be together.
"I found out about him"

How...
I swear my heart has stopped
I grow cold, as if ice had stabbed me
A lump sticks in my throat,
Making it hard to breathe
But I refuse to let the tears out
I refuse to let him see the heart ache

"Erin?"

Right, I have to respond
"Yeah.. I guess we just..
Weren't meant to be together"
But we could have been
"I'm sorry"

One last hug
One last look
Then he just walked away
Leaving me with a feeling
I've felt too often

Alone.

Darkness and Mystery
Insanity, strife
Written of the tempest chaos
Of this man's mind

The master of words
The craftsman of night
Bending and twisting
The word called light

His dreams on paper
The nightmares that haunt
Creepy, despairing
Murmurs that taunt

Torment of Twilight
Author of Anguish
Edgar Allen Poe
Is the Master of Madness

Where were you when life got hard?
Where were you in the start?

Did you see the broken heart
Did you see thedeep red scar
Did you save another child
Did you save a life gone wild

Can you find a way to mend?
Can you find an angel to send?

Didn't you live to save my soul
Didn't you live so i would hurt no more
Did you teach this world to love
Did you teach them to live like above

Where were you when I cried?
Where were you when I died?

Fire burns and sears
Though it never hurts me
Just burns away pained memories

Water heals and cleanses
Both body and mind
Even still my heart is broken

Spirit sings in me
Taking me past my sorrows
To a place I can heal

Air all around me
Winds through my hair
I feel alive

How do you know if you're still a poet
When all your words have simply gone silent?

Do you have to go back and remember
The times you lit fires from embers?

Do you have to write and sing
Only hoping the music will ring?

Do you have to find the stars at midnight
Just to wish for the hope of a sunrise?

Do you have to dance to silent music
To inspire all the words that are quiet?

What do you have to do
To prove the poet's still inside you?

Maybe just write a curious poem
About a soul that has lost its rhythm

I talked to her last night
As if she was here with me
I cried for her last night
As if she could see my tears

I whispered to her last night
As if she would respond
I sang to her last night
As if she could hear my song

I wrote for her last night
As if she would see those words
I said sorry to her last night
As if she had never been hurt

I dreamt of her last night
As if dreams ever come true
I loved her last night
As if she loved me too

Glancing up to the clear blue sky
Seeing the beauty of endless time
Never knowing what lies beyond
But hearing small hints in nature's song

I spin in a circle in a green clearing
Seeing the birds, and a mere cat leering
I settle on the ground and watch the world
Knowing I'm a small part, merely a girl

I may have no voice,  but my heart sings a harmony
Making my own song with nature's melody

Through darkened streets I wander
Through midnight shadows of fear
Only just to wonder
What I am doing here

All i have to do
Is smile a simple smile
And the world brightens
Just a bit more
All I have to do
Is laugh my simple laugh
And your face glows
Like a child at christmas
All you have to do
Is kiss me like you do
And the world
Is beautiful

I live in this world
But at night I live as stars
I sing in our language 
But in my voice hear my scars

I breathe the same air
But my lungs refuse its life
I sing the same words
But no sound falls on your ears

I create what you know
But what can you understand
I create what you see
But will you choose to look

Nathaniel Aleczander Gasc-Lewis
Adopted 2/23/2017
March/30/1994-
July/16/2017

I know you’ll never read this
But I was thinking of you today
I wanted to write a letter
Of everything I wish I could say

I wish I could say I love you
And hear you say it too
I wish I could tell you everything
All the dreams I want to come true

I wish I could see you smiling
Just one more time at me
I wish I could hear your laughter
Contagious to all you meet

I wish I could hold you one more time
Just one more is all I ask
I wish to hold your hand in mine
A memory that would always last

But wishes went up in smoke
When firemen were too late to your door
My heart, my brother, my friend-gone
My heart shattered on the hospital floor

You look into my eyes
Saying so much more than words
I wrap my arms around you
Feeling your curves and your warmth

You twine your fingers with mine
Somehow a perfect match
But you still hold the hand of another
Of a man you love so much

I gaze at you when you're not looking
And smile when laughter lights your eyes
I wish you could always be mine
I wish I could be the one who makes you smile.