dreams swirl, tranquil in my mind
sharply interrupted
denial, snooze
realization
chomp chomp chomp
ziiiiip slam
clink beeep
rattle rattle rattle
STOP REQUESTED
groan, unload.
walk fast
eyes low
12...click...13...click...6... open
slam
walk faster, required smiles
ffft jot jot jot
retain it retain it
gone
who is there? oh, you again.
you again?
you...
again.
swallow
walk, slower.
bonjour, ça va et toi?
memorize
mesmerized
click click
rattle rattle rattle
sigh
unload.
saunter and release.

good days
are becoming
            few
    and
               far
                              between.

And it should be the other way around.

I hate that you're depressed
because
you are so
beautiful.

I do love you,
even if
we just met.

You are perfect.
Those scars on your
thighs
are
destroying
you.

I hate how it
Poisons your
Bloodstream,
Making you cut open
your skin
in ribbons.

Stop

Please stop.

Right place
Wrong time
needed space
      not mine.

couldn't talk
too scared
didn't knock
         I cared.

your eyes
blue, clear
in the skies
     I'm here.

my fault
but i
shed salt
wonder why.

Can't say
everything
please stay
let's sing.

She sits at the dinner table
Flattened lips
Tightly-****** hands
Neutral face
She is disgusted
As she lifts the spoon to her mouth
Immediate remorse fills her body as the taste buds get the first feel of the warm food
She is disgusted
As she continues to eat, she can see the food  turning into fat traveling to her cheeks
and to her jaw and to her arms and to her shoulders and to her chest and to her stomach
covering the bones that she wants to pierce through her skin
She can see it travel to her thighs, largening in size, making them touch, covering the huge gap that she wants situated in the middle
She is disgusted
She gets paler and paler with every chew and every swallow
And so to escape this torture, she lies and tells her uncle and aunt that her stomach is upset
and she feels sick
But she wasn't lying
Because her stomach was truly upset because it did not want to be filled
It wanted to stay tiny
It wanted to stay beautiful
It wanted to be more beautiful
She goes straight to the bathroom and locks the door
Washes her hands before sticking ******* down her throat
Removes them once she feels the disgust rising through her esophagus
Closes her eyes as her upset stomach throws away everything unwanted
She is disgusted
She secures the lock in her bedroom
Thinking maybe it will keep the demons away
Or at least long enough for a second of sanity
But they are too gruesomely evil because the disgust that was once in her throat has now traveled to her wrists
She criticizes how her wrist bone isn't showing enough
Disgust travels to her chest
how her ribs aren't piercing enough
Disgust travels to her hips
how her hip bones aren't showing enough
Disgust travels to her thighs
how the space between isn't big enough
Disgust travels to her fingertips
Tension building up in her palms
The demons' silence turn into screams
She gives in
Picks up the knife
and writes an new poem on her body
I
am
*disgusted

I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

I really do love everyone
really,
everyone. I hope you all know that.
Because love is not in limited supply and that is one of the greatest things about life.
We can love whomever we please whenever we please
Because our hearts may be the size of our fists
but they're bigger on the inside.
Infinitely.
And they pump blood through
and pump love out
So if we all have this well inside of us
why not use it.
I love all of you.
Why shouldn't I?

Longing
for the days when I didn't know what sad meant
when serious was an idea used only to describe a teacher who didn't joke around.
when I was going to write the next great novel, the next hit musical
when friends were in high supply and it didn't matter that my hair was never brushed
when I played an instrument taller than I because I could
when I cried when I missed the second day of school
when the grass was my favorite place to sit
and moving our legs was more important than shaving them
when i didn't have to watch my words because everything was perfect and what could i say wrong
when the only pain i felt was a skinned knee
and the only loss was of a tooth.
simple is better.
i wish we could all understand.