When I was a little girl
I wondered about too many things
I thought too much

I still am little
With much to learn
But I know now so much new

I thought I was a boy
But no, I am a girl
I was always a girl

I thought I liked boys
But no, I like girls
I had always liked girls

This aesthetic crush is getting the best of me
And I honestly don't know what to do
I merely want to kiss you once, maybe twice

I still am a little girl
I still think too much
But I think I'll let this one slide

dear kiel,
remember all those months ago
when you had to guess what I was
how scared I was when you meant "now"
but all that came after was smiles
beautiful bashful smiles that someone understood


well, something funny happened today
a boy played a trick on me
I thought he was serious
and now he won't talk to me
it's funny, I thought he'd understand

I
I can't handle all this sadness!
This never-ending pressure laps at my being
I can't handle this affection
It eats me alive
Nothing is sane
When everything makes you want to cry

II**
the music plays and tears begin
but I have my bearings once again
the emotion rolls waves on my frame
I can breathe

y o u  w i l l  n  e v e r  e  v e n  c a r e  
that I scraped my knee in 8th grade
that I will never scratch off the scab with lime juice and sugar
I  w i l l  n e v e r  b r e a t h e
the same breath as you
while we stand in comfort
t h i s  i  s   m y   p r o m i s e  t h a t
you will never care for me

Take a dip into my lake of fire.
Into to the tendrils that rip at your skin and whatever is left of your poor, poor soul, devoured by consumerism.
The body of thorns that blame nobody but you, that only add more faults to the list.
The embers that char the fingertips, that stay no matter how many times you scrub.


Go deeper.

my computer keeps freezing
the song keeps playing

living up to expectations already
don't be pressured baby, don't be pressured

only half of my fingers are cold
as I think of Brown-Eyed Ska girl

thankfully, she knows I exist
that's one part of the equation complete

dust fingertips, fairy wings, the tears of heathens
made of these, sweet dreams are

lapping at sickly skin with remorse

an undercurrent of lighting hits the skin
hair on end and your face turns red
you want to try, but you're too shy
it's a necessity to be broken sometimes

but why do I want to cry? If my problems have  been resolved
is this just a clean slate for more problems
please don't let it be

I adore every inch of your skin but dare not to touch it
I am afraid

You never told me
Who destroyed your innocence
and it's too late now

I always wanted
for it to be dramatic
like on the T.V.

but you never did
and you never, ever will
but you had to tell

you divulged to him
it was necessary, thus
you obliged, peaceful

then you threw nail polish
and he said "emotionless"
leave me out of this

left my body electric after a dream of fire
Pepsi-Cola eyes were all I had
demons ate my classmates alive, alive
there were no screams only the sounds of fire
but I awake and they are unscathed

the teacher hands me a book
a single Koi fish drawn on blue-scented paper
she knows how much I love the fish fry
I will now always miss
it burns with the rest somewhere

A delinquent brought his iPad
and in a moment's glitch
they all go out listening to Katy Perry's Firework

rewind and you see them trying to escape through smoke-soaked hallways

please leave me alone
I'll run off the face of the earth if you so please
but do not think of me

stop telling me to stop
stop yourself and I wont need to
just breathe
and leave

old shoes for new feet and new socks for old souls
pushing at covers, shy

elated and curious but now is not the time

I
I always fall for Dersite dreamers
dregs of purple on fortune-telling tea
what is this trying to tell me?

intermission

I'm tired of double-edged swords
that pinprick and build up in the skin
explode into tears of blood and remorse

Should I stop wanting to get to know you?
I might fall even further than I am now

II**
Close your eyes, now guess who I'm writing about

her eyes change color
just like her clothes
she's in love with art
she knows how to prose

she celebrates in my victories
and worries in my defeats

I think it's better I don't know the true word of her bodice

Do you know who you are?

love is so daunting
I just might not prevail
I'd rather divulge my passion in further prospects
Things I am assured of
My plans for the future, steady as bored
love is so fleeting it hurts
why am I falling for you
ska girl n o t  
                       a
                          g  r  r  r  l
let's be un-girls together
as always, I give in to *crushes

six days to six months
I'm the second girl you love(d)
but I'm happy I had a shot

I want to explore
free of your judgement
you swore I needed to grow a backbone

look at me be so raw and surreal
look at me with those hopeless eyes

I only wish the best to you, I swear

I have a problem, yes I do
we all have problems, so do you

I ignore mine and pick at scabs I dream of better days
I jar it all up and make it e x p l o d e