I dreamt of who I expected you to be last night
I woke up with you on my mind, when you picked me up
and we landed with a thud on your bed and we laughed
Like children and you tickled me and we kissed

And we were something then
But it was just the idea of you, friend.
Can I even call you that?
We don't speak anymore.
If we'd never met I wouldn't even know you existed,
we do not cross paths

I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry you have a sad story to tell
people when you meet them even if you don't mention me at all
But I had to do something for myself and
Maybe it was just bad timing and
Maybe it didn't have to be you but
It was and I wish the idea of you I have inside my head was real.

But figments often play games with me and guide my hand down
a dark-lit path until I feel the familiar sense of disappointment

But I'm playing our song on repeat as I get ready and
it's one of the warmest days it's been in a while and
I wonder if you're working today or if you're at the beach and

Just know you're on my mind today
I'm sorry

Today I discovered a band that has been forgotten, I think.
They tell stories without speaking, letting instruments
Convey emotion, and you know, there is some
Chemical reaction within my brain
(Or maybe it's just coincidence)
Some neural message carrying memories inside it like a postman
Delivering that savory deliverance
Of past loves and present friends
Of this thawing March
Of this past Winter
It was bitter cold, kind of like how you hung up on me,
Kind of like how he cut me off,
Kind of like how I wish I was,
But know I never can be
I'm too warm
I drink in that sunshine like it's the smoothest whiskey ever created
It radiates through me from the inside-out and makes me smile
When it beams upon my skin, there is no better feeling
Because your lips were soft, but not the softest
And his arms were strong, but not strongest
Old friends, they were good and fun, but they will never be the best
I crave that dry, warm air and those blue, blue skies
Blue kind of like his eyes, the one who is now
And who knows where it will go
But I'm along for the ride
This life is all about loving and learning and letting go
I love every fiber of it, I soak it all in and I hope
Those whom I have met can do the same
Because there is so much to love
So much to be thankful for

Oh ****, my fingers ache
I miss those ivory keys,
Longing for the infusion of
My overwhelming emotion
Into varying melodies
Soft to the touch and sweet to the ear
That's where I did a lot of thinking;
A lot of releasing.
The music in me,
Like a raging fire,
Cannot be contained.
It spills and slips out
In shower serenades and
Classical pianist love ballads
I pour out my soul in the
Humming of tunes and
Strumming of the six-string.
I miss all eighty-eight of those
Confidants and confederates.

I rest my head on my arm,
The watch ticks in my ear,
Those blue skies made
An appearance yesterday,
But all is gray now.

I loathe days like today.
Where the overcast and bitter cold
Remind you of your failed relations
With boys who pretend they never cared

And all of the repressed
Memories of bad days and
Petty fights and being in
Uncomfortable situations flood you.

Back when you were messed up
And didn't have it under control,
Not like you do now.
When you ran every chance that you got.

And I may sound angry or resentful
But this is just part of the reason why
I need to leave this godforsaken place
These godforsaken skies

The air is different somewhere else
And it does not carry with it the past
To gently breeze across your face and
Force you to remember.

I'm so terrified
That I will never
Be satisfied
With where I end up
In life.

The place,
The occupation,
The love interest.
All of it
Or any

The truth is,
I could be anywhere.
I could take off
In an instant
Yet here I am.

Sitting once again
In the cold of my car
In the commuter lot
Two minutes from home.
Home

Home is a feeling
Not a place.
And if I'm always at war
Inside my head,
Will I ever feel it?

Will I ever be able
To run from myself?
Or will I kid myself
Into thinking that
Mileage will destroy
All of my problems?

Come taste the residue of beer on my tongue, love.
Feel the final days of December cold falling away
Mix your legs with mine beneath my sheets
We don't have to do anything, love.
Especially not what we're told.
There's a new year brewing, are you ready?
Nothing will change, it'll all feel the same,
But it gives the impression that a fresh start is inevitable
Oh I hope that's true
I'd start it off with you

Once safe inside my car
I kind of just sat there.
I listened to the steady rain make
contact with the metal roof
Saw the droplets glide down the
windshield
I felt the cool of the night on my
ankles and then seemingly
everywhere as it crept up me and
sent shivers to every cell.
It was just met again
Alone. Lonely.
I wasn't surprised, no, just met with
the same disappointment as usual.

Thunder.
Police lights down the street.
The after taste of coffee on my
breath
I missed you. I missed a lot of people.

The rain  picked up.
"I should start the car and go home."