I attached myself
to you.

I wish I hadn't.

I picked you
out of many.

I wish I hadn't.

I felt we could be
friends.

I wish I hadn't.

That friendship
blossomed.

I wish it hadn't.

Our feelings
changed.

I wish they hadn't.

We fell away
from each other.

I wish we hadn't.

I hurt you
you hurt me.

I wish we hadn't.

Now all I can do
is silently weep.

I wish I didn't.

Now all this pain
just festers.

I wish it didn't.

What happened to
friendship?
Can't we go back?

I wish we could.

What happend to
happiness?
Can't it return?

I wish it would.

It seems too late
to be friends again.

I wish it didn't.

So here I say
I love you.

I wish I hadn't.

So here I say
I miss you.

I wish I didn't.

So here I say
good-bye.

I wish I wouldn't.

Before you can say
good-bye.

I wish you wouldn't.

Because our
friendship
has lost us.

I wish it didn't.

Because my
friendship
is retracted.

I wish it hadn't.

Because my
heart
can't take it.

I wish it shouldn't.

Because I hurt you
so you hurt me.

I wish we didn't.

I miss you.
You were my
best friend.

I wish you are.

But it's too late for
friendship.

I wish it wasn't.

Because it's time to say
good-bye.

Snip.
  Slice.
    Hack.
      Slash.
        Stab.

Words
that describe something
I used to do

Cutting.
What people call it
What people demonize

Cutter.
What people called me
Who people pitied

Cuts.
What I can still see
What still bothers me

Cut.
What the act of it is
What I want to do

Cut.
Something I didn't do
for attention

Cuts.
Things I made
out of sheer anguish

Cutter.
Something I became
to channel my agony

Cutting.
Something I still fight
because I want to.

No
You probably don't understand.
Yes
You are probably judging me
No
It doesn't matter, but
Yes
It does affect me

Channeling pain
from my heart
to my
leg
arm
wrist
ankle
Numbs what I feel
Takes away that pain
for a little bit

I am ashamed
but I'm trying to
move on

But every time
something happens
I get stressed out
I feel hurt
         I just want to
         reach for that knife

        Stab.
      Slash.
    Hack.
  Slice.
Snip.

Scar.­
Something that can't
be taken away

Scars.
Things that mar my body
that can be seen

Scarring.
This is what happened
after all the cuts

Scars.
Things I am ashamed of
that can't be hidden

Scar.
Something that sticks around
longer than all the hurt

Cut.
Scar.
Pain.
They work together
but not independently.

Not all cuts, scar
not all cuts, cause pain

But most of my pain
caused cuts

Most of my cuts
caused scars

And most of my scars
cause shame.

Just when you thought that you were mighty
Here came the truth.
The truth knocked you down a few notches
And made you see the light.
I was given an opportunity without audition
And declined it because of conscious.
You were instead given that opportunity
Because you worked for it and deserved it.
Instead of thanking me, you tell me
that I ruined you. I was the one who destroyed what you worked for.
The man who handed these opportunities out is now,
in your mind,
Not the role-maker he once was.
I showed you that he offered me the role that made you shine.
I made you.
And you push me away.
A year from now, you will see what I mean.
You will see what I've been preaching.
You will see.

Some one sent me a message
It contained a beautifully written poem
About a blue bird.
A bird who lost his home.
While the people on the ground
gaze up at it
envious of it's freedom.
While he gazes down still looking for his place
I feel for this poor bird,
I thought I knew who I was
What I wanted
Who I wanted
Where I wanted to be
Lately I'm not sure anymore.
I feel the earth caving in.
I'm trying to accept who I am
and what I am becoming.
I try to hold the hands of others
through their storms,
but when it's my turn
and the clouds are surrounding me
I look up
and no one's there.
I feel alone in this storm.
The rain starts to pour
I'm drenched,
with more than water,
I'm soaked with frustration
with fear
with loneliness.
I will be there for you
forever
I was secretly hoping for the same in return
I know I won't get it.
I never will.
I stare at the ground as the rain falls
Alone,
that's what I am,
I'm alone.
Alone with my thoughts
with this prison I've trapped myself in.
Afraid of the judgement of others,
It's like a freezing rain drop
stabbing my skin.
I try to avoid it.
The judgement.
I put up this facade like the blue bird
of happiness
and freedom.
When all I'm trying to do
is free myself from the chains
I've put myself in.
It's no one's fault but my own
I chose my actions
I chose to be everything that I'm not.
Now that I'm trying to free myself of it
I'm get the backhand of judgement thrown my direction.
I don't do it to look cool,
I do it because I like it.
Because I always have.
I try not to let it get to me.
I try to be strong.
I tell myself I'm worth more
I tell myself I deserve to be who I want to be.
Maybe I'm just that blue bird looking for a home
Someplace that will accept me
I hope that I am that home for others.
I'll take you as you are.
Give you the love you deserve,
So I'll be there for you,
but I'll continue to fly
just like that lost bird
looking for my home,
looking for love,
looking for acceptance.

Trapped in the rabbit hole, forever a lifelong journey
To meet and greet the cards and paint the roses red.
Sipping tea from cups that look more like forks.
Where has the Hatter gone, along with his parter the Hare?
And what of Mr. Dormouse? He's gotta be in there.
The Queen of Hearts has faded away, like a palpitation.
The Cheshire cat has spent his nine, giggling in the dark.
Dare we speak of Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee?
They got a domestic partnership, and live forever as combs.
Then we come to the White Rabbit, who seemingly late
had to be eaten, and tasted rather great.
The most pleasing thing to my mind
Was that the flower bed, soft for chattering lilies and roses
Was now harder than fruitcake, severing their vocal chords.
Now they just stood there, silent and foreboding.
All the while, I was the hub of Wonderland.
That's what you get when an Amazon goes down the Rabbit hole.
(Inspired from Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass)

"You're pretty."
"I love you."
"We should be friends."
Phrases I tend to cycle through every day.
Words that bring happiness and good feelings into others' lives.
Yet, I constantly get questioned why I'm nice to everyone.
Or told that I can't befriend everyone.
Reminded that people will hate me.
But you see, that's a fact I know all too well.
Behind this smiling face and welcoming exterior is a soul that is broken.
A person who has been picked on, kicked around, bullied
Made to feel so bad that tears streamed more constantly than water from a faucet.
Feeling like I would never be loved
Never have true friends
Never be pretty.
There was a period in my life where I had no one.
No best friend to tell my secrets to.
No circle where I felt I belonged.
Sitting alone at lunch.
One of the worst feelings in the world.
Watching everyone talk and laugh and smile.
And wondering why I can't have those experiences, too.
Eating too much to fill the empty void of time.
Gaining weight in an attempt to drown my sorrows in food.
Fast forward a few years.
Friendships have developed.
They enjoy my humor and fun spirit.
Yet no one noticed the hurt still burning inside me.
The fear of rejection.
The sadness of never understanding old inside jokes.
The worry that someday everything would go back to how it was.
And I would be left alone.
Again.
With no one to talk to or sit with.
So forgive me for being too kind, or too happy. Or spreading love. Or wanting to be friends with people.
Because I never want to experience that hollow feeling of loneliness again.