Retrospective vision makes every task seem simple
Except for the one ahead
I forget the struggles I fought
Inside my own mind
Looking back, I choose to erase the doubt that weighed down every decision
And yet, with each new choice I make
it’s there

How would you feel if you only existed when you were wanted?
If she treated you the way you treat me?
If she only came to you when she was fighting with her boyfriend
Or when she needed something?
Imagine if she treated you as if you were nothing,
Ignoring you almost always.
But then showing up randomly,
Saying she cared,
Then inevitably leaving again.
You're always left wondering where she went
Why'd she go
And what you did wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me when you're away,
But then I remember you hold all the power.
You only contact me when you need me,
And it can't ever be the same around.
I am always there for you
The second you need me, I'm there
To make you feel loved, and cared for, and accepted,
Which she never does.
And I never believe the things you tell me,
Like you're sorry, it won't happen again, and that you truly care.
But something inside me just won't ever let you go.
I promised that I would always be there,
and I will.
But why can't you do the same for me?
If she treated you the way you treat me,
What would you do?

You Frenchman
You explorer
You harbor courage I could only dream of having
There is something burning inside of you that people around you wish for.
I’ve never met someone so in tune with the truth
So coherent with what the world is saying.
So present
You don’t believe in God
But you believe in this world.
You left because you wanted more
You came back because more was your origin
Life hands you lemons and you make something new.
You dream something big.
You transcend labels
I saw kindness in you first.
Kindergarten you let me in your club
I’ve remembered that ever since.
I remember that each day so I can find happiness in small places.
In kind words and strangers’ smiles.
Your curiosity is insatiable
You ask questions hourly so you don’t have room to stop growing.
You don’t have room to stop thinking.
You don’t have room to stop dreaming.
You believe in more than we can understand.
Your mind is extraterrestrial.
It is not well-known to think outside of yourself.
But you do.
You’re name means door keeper
It fits because you welcome others so humbly.
I could spend a day in your mind and still never fully understand you.
But that’s okay, because I’m not supposed to.
Thirteen years has taught me nothing.
Another thirteen won’t do.

I like to dream.
Everyone does though I suppose.
I don't dream in the sense that you'd probably think.
Not when I sleep.
Lord knows I do enough of that,
but I'm incapable of dreaming at night,
I think that's why I sleep so much.
Each time I lay down I pray that,
Just one single,
lonely dream will come.
It doesn't though.
I keep trying though,
day after day,
and I promise I'm not just giving an excuse for me taking so many naps.
Although I do,
I'll admit that.
But since I don't dream when sleep,
I settle for dreaming when I'm awake,
some call it daydreaming.
I make up these situations in my mind,
where I'm happy beyond belief.
I imagine that I'm in an empty field,
running free.
I imagine I'm up in space,
with the stars.
A place that I've admired for so long,
I imagine I'm there.
Far away from this place,
and the hurt that exists here.
I'm not going to say I hate my life,
because that would be a lie.
I'm simply going to say that I'm not satisfied with my life.
There are so many places I'd rather be than down here,
with gravity pinning me to this
seemingly two dimensional place.
I imagine sitting and conversing,
with all of my idols.
Smoking a joint with Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix,
sitting down to tea with Cass Elliot and John Lennon.
Imagining what it would be like,
to be extraordinary like them.
Then I come back to the present,
as my teacher wraps up his lecture,
and remember where I am.
Then,
I once again accept that fact that I'll have to keep leading this ordinary life,
hoping for the chance one day to escape,
to the stars,
or maybe the moon,
the place that doesn't
hold me down,
and make me keep my feet on the ground.
The place where I can fly,
and dance,
and love,
and sing,
and dream.
Endlessly.

I tried my hardest
to keep you as a friend
I have to say though
you didn't.

We went from best friends
to friends
to acquaintances
to people who are cordial in public.

We did not have a falling out.
It was a straight down
dive from friendship
to strangers

I am sad
truthfully
but it seems
you are just apathetic.

We can't talk
because of tension.
You won't hang out
because of me.

I would blame myself
but that isn't fair to me.
I would blame you
but that isn't fair to you.

No matter how much
I want to blame you
I just can't
Because that's not me.

But apparently you've
forgotten that about me.
That I am nice.
That I do care.

It took just that little bit
to break our friendship apart.
I guess the friendship
couldn't have been too strong then.

Do you blame me?
To help yourself feel better?
I don't know if you would.
You've changed.

But I can't dwell on it
I have to move on
so I can feel better.
So I can be happy.

I wish you happiness.
I wish you joy.
I wish you life.
I wish you love.

It’s strange that when I first met you,
Our planets rotated in opposite directions
Really, I hardly knew your name.
You were the girl with the turtle backpack.
You were that girl in my theatre class.
Funny, that I had absolutely no clue,
In the very near future you would become
The person that I share everything with.

I laugh when I look back and remember,
We first bonded over a television and a couch.
We soon became “brain twins”
(And let’s be real, we definitely are,)
And I still love our little brain-touch
That we do when we have the same thoughts.

You are truly my best friend,
I hope you know that and always do.
I’m always here for you.
No matter if it means
Going home for a while,
Watching Peter Pan in silence,
Or breaking pickle jars.

I want to take this time to thank you,
For breaking through my shell.
For all the long conversations where
We have shared so much about ourselves.
For always being by my side
And for being completely honest
No matter how much it hurts.

Thank you so much for being the friend
That I always hoped I could have.
Your friendship means the world to me,
And I know it’s something we will always share.