See you later.
Actually, I hope later never comes.

Seems fitting that a mattress store would be open at 2am.
Maybe I'll stop by one day.
Wonder if that's where all of us go.
Maybe I'll stop by one day
and pick up a twin,
seems fitting.

Put your boxing gloves on
or your dancing legs,
whatever they are.
I remember that day like it was 3 months ago.
We were all together , especially me and you.
I don't believe I kissed you goodnight that time.

I woke up this morning without a clock.
I woke up to your voice.
Your voice was loud,
you're only a couple miles away after all.
You spoke hesitantly but strongly.
I, with my eyes closed and my hands at my side,
listened with a sigh hanging in my throat,
and a quiver at my lips.
You spoke hesitantly with minimal eye contact.
You said,
"I want to be single."
That doesn't answer my question
I think I like the buzz of the clock better that your voice

My hands are black from the dirt I've been pounding my fists in
and my tears roll down my nose and settle at my lips.
My knees are sore and stained green from when I collapsed.
I collapsed.
Thinking of you, I collapsed.
And my knees hit the ground, leaving them sore,
and I made fists and watched my tears turn the dirt
into mud when I collapsed thinking of you.

I’m walking backwards right?

I can’t quite tell.

I’m trying to go forwards

but I can’t seem to gain enough momentum.

It’s hard when you’re going backwards,

to go forwards that is.

Maybe I should just go backwards,

if there is even such a thing at all.

My favorite part about the way you killed her
was watching her gasp for air.
Remember when they engaged the morphine drip?
Yeah, right around there is when her lungs started to give out.
That was my favorite part.
Watching her gasp for air,
and cough, and ask for water
because her mouth was so dry
from knowing that within a few hours
she would be dead.
She knew that as she sat there,
gasping for air,
she was wasting her time and breath.
Because she knew that you were ******* killing her.

We were all in the room.
But I'm almost certain I'm the only one that saw you.
Sitting there, legs crossed at the knees,
hands behind your head,
toothpick at your teeth,
and with that ******* grin you always wear.
And you just stared at me,
with those ****** eyes of yours,
because you knew that I couldn't do anything.
You knew we were all helpless.

I just let out a great big sigh.
May have been my biggest sigh yet.
Within reason of course.
I'm all alone tonight.
Again.
You get to do all your fancy things
like church and school,
and when you want me I come.
But how about when I want you?
When I want you,
you just don't answer.
Too busy with fancy things
like church and school.
But still,
when you want me
I will come.

I still hate you by the way.

But today's about something different.

It’s a toss up between

valiant hero and dead *******.

Wish I could be the hero

but looks like I’m going to end up the dead *******.

There is no need for zippers in the future.
We only use buttons.
Easier to undo,
they require only one swift motion
while zippers require two.
some say we digress,
but we simply resort to practicality.
a zipper can get caught,
a button just falls off.
a zipper can lose teeth,
a button just falls off.
a zipper eventually rusts,
a button just falls off.
But we can always just sew the button back on.
That is why we choose buttons in the future.

What will happen when i lose my hair?
I will look ugly.
I will cry with my eyes closed.
I don't want to take that pill,
it will make me ugly.
I shouldn't have to take that pill,
if it will make me ugly.
I shouldn't have to take that pill
just because it will keep me alive.
But,
I think i want to be alive.
So I will take the pill
and become ugly and cry.

He keeps tormenting us,
even after her death.
This ******* keeps tormenting us,
even after He kills her.
Today He's making me get dressed,
to drive to His award ceremony.
He's making my father write a speech,
to thank Him for killing his wife.
He'll keep following my sister around school
to make sure she cries in front of all the right people.
The ones that will laugh and ridicule.
Congratulations you *******,
you coward,
you win.

Some days I'm fine.
Some days I get angry at things.
Some days I can't get out of bed.
I use your body to feel better.
I use your voice to keep me going.
I use your picture to remind me that I'm still alive.
When I can't feel you
or hear you
or see you
I get angry at things
and I can't get out of bed.
There's my cycle.

You know,
I don't know why I'm so scared.
Probably because of what I'm expecting you to expect.
But if anyone knows hows ****** up expectations are,
it's me.
So when the time comes,
I'm just gonna **** the **** out of you.

If it wasnt for our sweaters
we would freeze.
I wonder what flies do. 
I've seen them,
moving slowly,
Their wings fluttering half as fast as when it's 80 degrees. 
Maybe I'll invent a sweater for those animals.
The ones that suffer.
Even the flies.

I'm still on the verge of tears.
But only on the verge.
I feel my sockets fill to the brim,
but not one tear spills out.
Can't I feel a rolling tear?
Can't I feel it down my cheek,
and taste it in the corner of my mouth?
I want a stream to run down the bridge of my nose
and watch them dangle at the tip.
Like that time I scraped my knee,
and you gave me hell for it.
I just wonder why I can't cry.

Today the tears rolled down my cheeks.
Finally,
after what has seemed to be a drought over the Amazon.
My lids filled to the brim
overflowing into the valleys
at the base of my nose,
across my lips,
and at the cleft of my chin.
Even rolling down my neck,
if the picture called for it.
My lids filled to the brim,
drenching my fingers.
Filling the valleys at their tips.
Every crevice taking full advantage of this nourishment.
Who knew how long it would last,
or when it would come again.

I'll fly a kite with you.
Why not right?
I'll fly a kite with you.
We can go to a park,
or the beach,
or we can just fly it from your balcony.
Not much wind today though.
I'll go get the fan.

Ha.
The day of my mother's funeral some poor sap was being baptized.
Good luck son.
From behind the thick glass separating our
small,
gloomy,
tear ridden
death chapel and their
stupid,
smile splintered,
dry eyed hall
you could hear roars of applause.
Each time we fell silent, they applauded.
Coincidence of course, but disturbing none the less.
If only they knew that as they applaud  and smile, that poor sap,
dressed in white
and drenched on holy water and oils,
is dying. He's already begun his decent. Maybe some time soon I'll be on the other side of the glass.
Blinded by the gleam of a
naked,
wet baby bottom.

You told them the other day
that you felt clear-headed, confident, and genuinely happy.
Wonder why you haven't told me yet.
Maybe you thought I wouldn't want to know.
Doesn't matter I guess.
I knew after that bike ride you took to the bay,
the one with all those willow trees,
that you longed for the knife of that butcher.
That butcher guy that you used to hang around with.
What's his name again..
Doesn't matter I guess.
I just wish you would tell me why you are so happy.

Hit me i deserve it
everything I did makes me deserve it
Hit me I deserve your punch.
A punch, not a slap.
I want a closed fist.
Really clenched, tight tight tight.
and BOOM!
full power.
I'd prefer lower left Jaw,
but anywhere is fine.

I feel hollow,
to be honest.
I'll float in the ocean
until I'm dragged down by some powerful fish.
And even then,
it will be a struggle for the fish.

I leave a pillow open next to me at nights,
just in case
on some fortunate night,
you come out of my dreams.

I used to laugh at those
that take their own lives
over lost love.
But look at myself,
having only lost
chances at love.

Your body heat,
your hair tickling my face,
the hot air from your opened mouth on my forehead,
the small sighs of relief that came every now and then,
those random kisses and embraces that you seemed to do in your sleep.
I stayed awake for all of them.

You're the type that wears hats because that's what you're supposed to do.
And cuts your sleeves because she did it too, and she likes it.
Whats going to happen when you've exhausted your resources?
I won't help you dress.

John was a wonderful painter.
He would paint apples and people and dogs.
And he was happy.
Then he fell in love with an artist
And he was happy.
Then she broke his heart.
Now, he can no longer paint.

Eric,
Happy Birthday!
I love you very much.
May God bless you
& protect you
always.
I'll be dead in 64 days,
so make sure to wash the dishes
before your Dad gets home.
Let's see,
there are some frozen patties in the freezer.
Once those run out
you can usually get them on sale,
two for ten.
Here's my pin number. I know you always forget it,
5-1-8-8.
Make sure your Dad takes his medication.
I know you'll make the right choices,
even if they aren't the one's that I want.
Love.
Mom.

I wanted you with me today,
the first day that I cried in so long.
I wanted you there to hold my hand
like you did so many weeks ago.
I wanted you to watch me cry
with those marble eyes of yours
until you started to cry as well.
Then your small lips sagging,
trying to speak.
But you don't need to speak,
I'll hold your hand
like you did for me so many weeks ago.

I didn’t know a person could be this happy,
feel this light.
The kind that is in relation to weight.
Three words can change a persons life
and three words can change a person weight.
His shoulders will move easier
His legs will move swifter
His back will stand taller
His head will tilt upwards
The side walk on which he walks is equally happy,
For there is less lifting to be done.

It felt nice to hold her again.
Basketting her with my arms and legs,
I brought our bodies closer together.
She had that same heavy breathing from before.
She put her head on my shoulder
and I put mine on hers.
She stroked my arm.
It's been about 4 months since she's done that.
It's been about 4 months since I've held her like this.
I still don't understand why.
She says the same.
I guess I blame it on
myself.
I know it's not my fault,
but I'll blame myself.
I blame it on myself.

I rode my bike home tonight,
on the road,
with all my lights off
in hopes that a car would hit me.
That way it would just look like an unfortunate accident.
That way I wouldn’t have to tell my dad I love him,
and my sisters to stay in school.
That way I wouldn’t have to ask them to forgive me.
But I made it home safe tonight.

They painted a pretty picture.
A red baby,
two smiling parents.
Some what of a narrative I guess.
These two,
they met,
the fought,
they ******.
And now they have this red baby.
I guess they're in love.

You sat on the couch so indifferently.
I sat on the floor, my back against a ball,
directly across from you.
Red lights strung above our heads,
you towered.
Fangs, small fangs, exposed with every
-ey, -ay, i-, -ie, -ape, -ate, -eat, -ee-,
smile, and grin, etc.
I just kept looking up at you,
our eyes always made contact.
Yours were red.

Don't go in the water with him.
My bathtub is filled and warm.
The ocean is too cold.
Please do not go in the water with him.
Look, Look, I have bubbles,
he only has foam.
Do not, do not, do not, go in the water with him.
I, will carve into my chest for you
and tint my water red.
Don't ******* go in the water with him!
I have the deepest tub, and the warmest water.
Why don't you understand?
My tub is full and warm and red,
but even as i scream your back is turned to me.
Your smile aimed, pointed at the wrong, wrong, wrong person.
I'll wait for you,
pitying my self in my deep, warm, red water
with a skewed smile.

I used to imagine my mother was dead
whenever I wanted to cry.
It doesn't seem to work anymore.

You can't quit now
you've come too far.
A tear is a tear
but this thing is a beast.
Tears will do nothing
but set you back paces
and drugs only go so far.
You can't forget you have a heart.
Fight it with heart.
Lets the tears be tears,
but fight it with heart.

Rolling hills tripped by barbed wire.
Treacherous mountains humbled by roads.
The pink sky cries.

You seem so happy,
destroying yourself and your bonds.
Why would I want to take that away from you?
I just want you to tell me,
tell me that you want to destroy yourself and your bonds,
instead of keeping me attached by a knotted rope
and bringing me down with you.

It's true,
that night,
I got home and searched
"How to cope with the loss of a loved one?"
Yeah I know,
pathetic.
But I didn't know what else to do.

Today feels like the second worst day of my life.
And there is nothing I can do about it.
I say the second worst day
because it feel just like the worst day of my life,
only it’s happening again.
So it’s the second worst day of my life.

Congratulations,

I’m laughing at you!

I know you like to speak in secret,

so I’ll just laugh.

Keep speaking in secret,

like I said,

I’ll be here laughing at you.

But I have four legs and a tail.
So why is it not so simple?
Do I not have a tongue that is quenched by water?
And eyes to see what I’d like?
I have all these things yet it is not as simple.
What is it that sets us apart?
For now I will settle on clothing.

I'm going to have to get used to the way you breathe.
Sort of heavy and fast.
Surprising for such a small girl.
I like it though.
I like your skin too,
it's soft.
My hands move so lightly on your skin.
I'm going to have to get used to that.

You'd think by now my ankle would have healed,
but I keep walking on it,
there's just no way.
They all told me to get crutches,
but I couldn't find any.
I tried to ignore it,
but that didn't help,
it only made it worse.
So now I have this two month old sprained ankle
with no signs of healing.
I know how to fix it
but It's not likely to happen.

I know I disappoint,
you don't need to state it.
You don't know the things I do when I'm alone,
well I guess now you do.
I don't need to state them.

They keep popping up all over town.
My sister's zit come and go at the same rate.
They are there to hold your hand
and squeeze it when you start to cry.
But they come and go.

I saw her glance down at her child in the stroller.
A limp body, a sagging head.
I couldn't read her eyes.
Seemed torn between disappointment and regret.
The baby in her womb told me it was regret.

My tears are pretty good at fighting.
They've already seen two deaths this month,
let's see what action they get next month.
These were human deaths too,
not just a goldfish or a ******* ferret.
These were long drawn out deaths of suffering people,
and my tears ****** the **** out of them.
Lately I find myself holding the tears back though.
I just scrunch up my mouth
and swallow the tears.
Force them back with my tongue.
On second thought,
I'm not quite looking forward to next month.

I wish i could let a tear fall from at least one eye.
But when I try,
all I get is a puff of dust,
For I have not cried since yesterday.
Well actually it's been about a month,
but the sensation's been there.
I'm not sure why the tears don't come.
The sensation's been the all the while.
I'm always crying.