It's true,
that night,
I got home and searched
"How to cope with the loss of a loved one?"
Yeah I know,
pathetic.
But I didn't know what else to do.

Today feels like the second worst day of my life.
And there is nothing I can do about it.
I say the second worst day
because it feel just like the worst day of my life,
only it’s happening again.
So it’s the second worst day of my life.

What will happen when i lose my hair?
I will look ugly.
I will cry with my eyes closed.
I don't want to take that pill,
it will make me ugly.
I shouldn't have to take that pill,
if it will make me ugly.
I shouldn't have to take that pill
just because it will keep me alive.
But,
I think i want to be alive.
So I will take the pill
and become ugly and cry.

I rode my bike home tonight,
on the road,
with all my lights off
in hopes that a car would hit me.
That way it would just look like an unfortunate accident.
That way I wouldn’t have to tell my dad I love him,
and my sisters to stay in school.
That way I wouldn’t have to ask them to forgive me.
But I made it home safe tonight.

We can be together if you want.
I'm indifferent i guess.
Actually I'm not.
Not at all indifferent.
I'd like to be with you.
so that I can sit next to you
any time I'd like.
And we can hold hands,
If you want.

Just got off the phone with you.
Hope I didn't just hear him in the background.
Maybe it's my self doubt causing hallucinations again,
but I'm almost certain I heard his murmur from behind you.
It was a nice conversation.
You spoke normal enough.
I pictured you lying in bed,
the darkness made your skin look gray,
and you were just smiling with one hand on the phone
and one hand under the covers.
Then I heard his murmur,
something like one or two words,
and the picture changed.
Please tell me it was my echo.

Some days I'm fine.
Some days I get angry at things.
Some days I can't get out of bed.
I use your body to feel better.
I use your voice to keep me going.
I use your picture to remind me that I'm still alive.
When I can't feel you
or hear you
or see you
I get angry at things
and I can't get out of bed.
There's my cycle.