I wonder if it’s my “morals”, my long-standing beliefs getting in the way, the ones we don’t see eye-to-eye on.
The ones that are the only ones we severely disagree on.
Except maybe God, but that's best saved for another day.
I wonder if it's discomfort whenever I talk of Mai or Heather, and how I crave the bitter tastes they've each given me.
The same tastes I ache for when I'm alone in the dead of the night without any sort of repose.
I wonder if it's the far-off look in my eyes when my mind wanders off, bleeding internally at the thoughts that poke holes in my steel protections.
The memories that shake me right down to my glacial core.
I wonder if it's my smile when I actually mean the glimmer that reaches the corners of my eyes.
The twinkle that is caused by Heather's similar grin or Maisie's heart-wrenching touch.
And I wonder if it's just me, and all my broken bits and pieces, that lead you to make dire decisions and drive you to make vapid actions.

I wasn't going to give up, not yet.
That was my mindset that day,
(after I'd gotten over the initial shock and your surprisingly irate responses.)
I was going to win you back.
It was only a phase.
You were just upset with me.
You were going to drop her like a hot potato once I'd shown you that my side was the best one.
You were going to come running back, just like in July, calling just to hear my voice.
It was the same game, just with a little twist thrown in.
Instead, that twist became a game changer.
One that I underestimated.
I thought she'd be a pawn, a pointless piece easily taken over and tossed to the side of the board, wholly incapable of toppling the King.
I don't think I've ever been more wrong.


I've tried to find my own replacement thimble in Monopoly
Or maybe substitute "spouse" in Life.
I've been bending the rules in poor attempts to win,
While shattering monotonous matches and marring ideal games.
It's no rude awakening that I've never made it past the first round.


I lost.
Pure and simple.
I'm a sore loser, always looking for a way to cheat my way back in.
I just call it a loss now.
You did another type of cheating and hey, guess what.
You can call it a win;
You didn't have to lose your money, your hotels, your deeds , or your bragging rights.
I'd call it luck, but I know you always play to win.

You are hard to put into words.

You leave me speechless at times,
but the again, occasionally,
I have the daring urge to scream so loud at you that spittle flies.

More often than not though,
I just want to scream at myself.

The night sky and the stars and the moon question me.
Irresolution creeps to the basement of my soul,
snapping the homemade defenses in two.
Bile and tears climb my throat as shadow and trepidation crawl into my head.

Hidden secrets fester along with the feeling of emptiness.
That void eats positivity like a tiger eats deer:
stalking resolutely,
followed by a pounce,
and then teeth shredding everything to little bits.

The stars cry out for answers,
while the sky demands too much in order to maintain my sanity,
and the moon just gazes inquisitively,
wondering what darkness brought me to my knees.

Bright colors wash out in the moonlight while indecision clouds my perception.
Misunderstanding loops around all of my decisions;
death to all right-doing.

You're breaking this brittle heart of mine.
At the same time that it's hardening over.
I can see all these people clawing at my skin, wanting me to be okay.
All I can feel though is you, pummeling at my chest.
I'm just lying here and taking it, just like always.
I'm unable to push you away, completely.
I'm unable to allow you in, completely.
Cracking under the pressure, I'm fissuring into two people.
One that'll be okay, one that'll appease those begging me to.
But the other is gone, torn apart by your greed, your sadism, your hatred, and your confusion.

I want to break through the barriers.
I want to break through to you.
It's you whom I crave to touch.
It's you whom I dream about.
I want to burst through the walls.
I want to see you.

I only want you, forever.
I'd be happy to see maple irises 'til the end.
Your smile ignites a fire in me previously unknown.
Your smile makes a piece of me turn to flame from ice.
You melt all the tough in me.
You melt all the ice and rock inside this shell.

I will fight for you.
I don't want this to be the end.
Please,
Hear me.
Hear my soul crying out for you.
Feel its pain at unfortunate prospects.
Feel its love for a person that I want to hold so badly.
Hear me when I tell you I love you.

A touch is enough for a rush to send me reeling.
I've been wheeling and dealing my way through chaos only to have found Myself knee-deep in it.
I'm dying to get out,
Lying to try to save myself,
And fighting to get to you.
A touch is enough of a rush to send me to Heaven,
Enough of a rush to render me utterly speechless.

I can't handle this.
And I'm done.
I'm sick of craving and fighting and losing.
No one likes not getting what they want,
But I have this knack of getting what I don't want and hurting over what I do.
'Beggars can't be choosers' but I was taught to never settle.
Baby, I want you, but I want so many others too.
And now I can't even figure out if I want any of you.
You've all broken a tiny piece of me, mostly unintentionally.
But I can't take it anymore.
I can't breathe past the innate weakness drowning me,
Or the multitude of eyes flashing before mine with waves of concern oozing out from their cores.
I want you, I crave you, and I need you so badly.
I don't want this anymore though.

What right do you have to be angry with me?
     I was the one that got my heart broken.
What right do you have to be upset with me?
     I was the one that was left.
What right do you have to be hostile with me?
     I was the one that got suffocated.
What right do you have to be unpleasant with me?
     I was the one that was forgotten.

Whenever you step into my life,
It gets ****** up.
I get torn up.
I don't even love you anymore.
You broke me.
Ripped me apart.
I hate you with every fiber of my being.
And yet,
you still manage to know me.
And destroy me thoroughly.

When I look at you,
I'm looking into a still blue lake.
Seeing a reflection,
Not identical to me,
Yet, underneath,
The meaning is still the same.

The words you speak,
Are the words I write.

When I look at you,
I see a river.
A flowing that never ceases.
Spreading love in many branches.
Your silence, your actions,
Have strong undercurrents.

I see you and only wish to hold you.
It's all I want to do sometimes.

Sometimes my heart aches with the thought of you in my arms.
It encompasses me and engrosses me.

Me, something that loses meaning with every use.
You, an idea that never ceases to escape.

Escape is for the ill-willed.
I'm perfectly content living in this home-made prison.

Prison is a concept not alien to me.
But if I had the choice, I'd choose prison over the old "freedom" I once claimed.

Which is worse:
The beast of Jealousy,
Or the beast of Regret?
Both equate a torture so painful it carves scars into your bones.
Guilt, eats you up with an acid so sharp, you're diminishing to nothing.
Envy, cuts you down with a fury equaling your own.

It's not fair that I'll have to see you,
All dressed up and looking perfect, as always.
While I'll be dressed in the usual jeans and t-shirt.
Why?
So many why's.
Too many.
I'm sick of the questions.
I'm sick of the doubt.
I'm sick of the pain.
I just want to throw it all away.
I just want to throw you away.
Why're you forcing me to see you?
Why're you forcing me to feel pain?
Why can't I just remain in the back of your mind?
Why can't you just remain in the back of mine?
Why must you continue to torture me?
Does it make you feel loved?

I stand by my decision of forcing you out of my life.
And the tears that are forming are merely weaknesses taking advantage of my broken night.
I haven't missed you in months.
Anger has taken firm grip of my heart and I haven't grieved your escape since that first night.
But I was the one that escaped your tortuous words that exhausted all my strength.
I gag at one memory, but the others flood my mind, ones of times when you supported me, and let me cry on the phone.
You were my best friend, but you've been replaced.
But tonight I'm trying to find something in her that is impossible to find because it doesn't exist within her.
It exists within you.
It exists within all of our walks, talks, and exalted dreams.
It exists within the fears we secretly held, but didn't even let ourselves think of.
And I haven't craved your companionship in ******* forever and I can't stand this agony.
But I stand by my decisions, especially when I know they were borne of reason and logic.

"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Forgiving me. It couldn't have been easy."
Oh you have no idea.
It took many agonizing nights, chock-full of curses and spittle.
It took many fierce poems, dripping with blood.
It took bawling to songs that applied way too much.
It took bawling over someone else to fully accept facts that you weren't the worst person any longer.
It took the pains of others to get through my thick skull that you weren't the enemy any more.