"I haven't heard you laugh in a while."
The reason may be that yours has been ringing in my ears.
"I haven't seen you smile either."
That one is harder to explain.
The imprint of your lips on mine has sealed them shut tight.
Tighter than my chest when I remember that feeling.
"I've been concerned."
Why?
You didn't seem very concerned when you rolled out of bed with no regard for me.
You didn't seem too concerned the moment that you left me dumb and stunned.
"I didn't mean anything by it, you know that, we promised that."
I lied.
I lied to myself just as much as I lied to you.
Maybe more.
My every action meant something.
Just like you meant far more than the insignificant amount you should.

I'm sincerely dreading the moment when I see you this weekend
and your back will be turned
and it'll take all of my strength not to touch you
and it will destroy another piece of me.
I'm honestly dreading the moment when I see you, too, Friday
and you'll spot me first
and you will feel hurt again
and I will continue to feel my guilt.
I'm apathetic about the moment when I'll avoid your gaze Friday night
and you'll resist the urge to talk to me
and I'll remember that I'm just bad news
and you'll apologize, but not to me.
I'm unsure if I'll even see you Friday or Saturday
and I will act perfectly normal because that's what you need
and it will only confuse you even more
and I'll lie when I tell you "I love you too."

"Who is leaving who now?"
All my insecurities bubble to the surface, that one phrase plunging me deeper into Hell.
"I'm sick of people leaving me."
So am I, dollface, but what am I supposed to do about that?
I've taken a liking to self-preservation, but you only lead me to self-devastation.
"Now I have two more faces today I need to forget about."
I'm sorry, but I have my own demons to fight, my own wars needing waged.
I have my own faces needing purged from my eyelids, from my heart.
"Text me when I'm good enough."
Good enough? You're not good enough? I'm the one that's not good enough.
I'm not good enough to fix you.
I'm not strong enough.
I'm not whole enough.
"I'm not suicidal..."
If you're not suicidal, then I wouldn't be so concerned.
If you're not suicidal, then you wouldn't be wanting to throw your life away with this... sickness.
This isn't you, despite your confident "it is" claim.
Why must you do this?
"I don't want to think about it."
You're destroying yourself.
I can't understand this.
I can't take your constant decimation every night;
It's destroying me too, dear.
Your nonstop emotional blackmail only beats me further into submission.

I've become whom I least want to be.
I've become like the people that cause demons and nightmares.
I've become the skeletons in your closet and the haunted look in your eyes.
I've become the tears on your cheeks and the scars on your wrists.
I've become the fear in your heart and the tightness in your chest.
I've become who I never wanted to be.
I've become my own worst enemy.
I've become the darkness in the night and the blackness in your soul.
I've become the wicked in the wind as it hits your skin and freezes your insides.
I've become the way I am to safeguard myself.

It's people like you that cause my demons.
While I've had every chance to walk away from you,
I don't know how.
I don't know how to leave you behind,
in the dust,
in the box where all my other demons lie.
I'd like to think that you're different from the rest.
I'd like to think that you're not gonna tear my heart apart and leave me bleeding on the sidewalk.
I'd like to think that you're not broken and that I'm whole,
But let's face it:
You're in ruins just like I am.
We've both been beaten to a ****** pulp by our demons and the people that caused them.
And while I yearn for your attention, for your blessings, for your soft, soft skin,
I know I need to walk away and never look back.
But I've never been too talented in leaving;
That's always been your job.

You ignite me, flame licking at my bones in pure ecstasy.
I want the hate crimes enveloping me to cease, my demons dying out from suffocation.
You set my world ablaze, unadulterated heat wraps me up in a beautifully corrupt way.
I need the demons to relinquish their hold on my nearly split heart.
You delve me into scenes I don't want to know without you, without your words taking my breath away.
I see in me a soulless being, waiting to be pulled under to the depths of insanity.
You give the insanity of your past, but you give me the sanity of consistency.

Beautiful, so beautiful.
I’m deplorable for thinking so.
I don’t want you to be beautiful in my mind anymore.
I want you to be the ugly creature you should be.
Still, you’re this floating angel on a purely white cloud, summoning me into oblivion.
I wish I could follow you there.
I wish that you were here by my side, sending shivers up and down my spine.
Not hers.
You broke me down in such a beautiful way.
How can I think you are anything but beautiful?
You’re magnificent.
A wonder in every eye.
A masterpiece glorified by a lost soul.
A lost soul that now finds beauty despicable.