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alia Jun 8

i can’t describe this feeling i feel so much pain that i don’t feel it at all anymore. numb.
i don’t think i can do this anymore.

I’m just so tired of being alone.

never belonging.

always left out.

no matter the place
i always feel alone and
I’ve had enough

everyone will be fine without me. i don’t matter.

its the first day of summer and I’m bawling my eyes out.
its a clear example of how my life is.

i sit back and watch everyone around me enjoy life.
while I’m the outcast.
I’m in the back by myself left with these unbearable feelings.

its tiring.
at some point ill give up.

lately its seemed like soon.
i used to think about leaving everyday.
what it would be like
weighing what id be leaving to see if it would be worth it.

there used to be a little voice in my head that came to me when i was at my lows.
saying, “tomorrow will be different”
that voice is no longer there.

i have to tell myself it everyday now
and its hard.

i know a day will come when i can no longer push myself through to the next.

lately every night has been “just one of those nights”
lately every night has brought pain.

I’m sitting here typing with a void in my chest.
the pain so real it physically hurts.
chest beating
head pounding

i hate myself.
I’m worthless.
Im a waste.

if i could give someone my life i would.
i don’t deserve it.

everything is just so hard

i don’t find joy in anything
it mainly hurts because the things that used to cheer my up can no longer.
mostly because i feel that this “funk” is irreversible

no amount of attention can reverse it.
I’m too far gone.

i feel strapped to a car with no brakes hitting 100 mph down a hill
sorta just left to watch my future unfold
not able to do anything.

i want to scream for help but i choke up
i think I’m being a burden
so i quiet myself with tears so drown out the pain.

i know I’m not the only person with hardships in the world
i know you have better things to do
i know you’re tired of me

I’ve realized so i began to shut up
not letting me ramble on for more than a few sentences
i feel myself begin to bother you

I’m a depressed mess
you don’t need to be around me
ill ruin your mood.

i don’t take it personal
i understand I’m no good for you

I’m the one sitting there listening to you vent
yet I’m not the one first picked
it used to hurt truthfully


i understand now
because i wouldn’t pick me either

I’m not a good friend

I’m not a good daughter

I’m not a good sister

I’m not a good person.

these thoughts flow so fast my hands can barley catch them
they come everyday and i try to ignore them

most of the time i can’t
thats when the horrible cycle begins

i try
i really do

to be more positive
to be more happy

it just hurts knowing that those feelings contribute to my pseudo reality.

at the end of the day
and eventually those feelings come rushing back

so quickly you practically want to give up fighting them off
because its to tiresome

its easier to watch them consume you
because for the most part they already have.
alia May 10
You don’t think much of your words.
You think they’re just words.

But to the new blooming
Who have yet to fend themselves
From your fatal tongue

The impact is long lasting.
The youth don’t comprehend the cause of your words nor sincerity of them.
They only endure the damage.

Damaged from the get go
Caused to question their worthiness
This is the culture of the kids.

We don’t know what we’re talking about
We are naive with no sense of direction
Confused to say the least, am I wrong?

You belittle us from the start
And then question our outcome.

Your words weigh us down
For they crush our straggling hopes
**** our aspirations
And condemn us to nothingness.

This is the culture of the kids.
alia Apr 20
An odd feeling to describe at best
Feeling like a bystander watching my life
Confused and scared
Feeling out of touch with reality
Like I'm caught in a never-ending haze
Life moves on but I feel stuck
I feel alone in a crowded group,
these people I surround myself with truly don't care
Physically present yet mentally absent
every moment of each day
I wonder if I'm in the right place for myself
But then again no place will ever truly "feel right"
They say you're never alone
While I may not be physically alone
I feel mentally alone
I don't have that one person whom I can express myself to
Im left to be my own confidant
alia Feb 14
My depression is more than a few tears on my cheek after a rude remark

My depression is more than a "bad day"

My depression is the crumbling despair of having everything yet feeling nothing

My depression is the feeling of no hope for the future

My depression is a never ending wave of coldness that refuses to leave

But, my depression wont consume me

I am more than my depression

I am enough.
alia Jan 27
Fleeting memories

Of what feels like centuries

The obnoxious sounds fade

The unpleasant sights unseen

It's just me and my special scene

A scene of happiness and no despair

My little getaway is quite rare

1995 fantasy a true destination

Laughter fills the silence with a beautiful sensation

Racing down the road ; Music blaring

What a beautiful moment it is that we're sharing

In this moment everything is alright

Not a slight problem in sight
alia Dec 2018
I can feel the remaining fragments of my old self slowly vanish

Out of my grasp

Nothing left to do but to sit there and watch it happen

I cant do anything and that's the tough part

Like watching my death unfold but left to accept the end result

You watch in horror as you know your fate

Nothing you can do can shield the pain you'll endure

So you sit and pray to god it wont hurt as bad

You pray for it to end

But it doesn't end.

And it won't.
alia Dec 2018
Heart breaking
Pain aching
Cant feel my face
Wish my life would just erase
Im useless
Im a mess
I ruin everything around me
I'm just the second pick
Never needed
So maybe i'll just go
Not that you'd ever know
I try to get better
But it's just pointless
I'll never be enough
For you
Or for me
Don't worry i'll go in silence
I won't disturb you
Let me be
I'll deal with my misery
It's the final stage
I've said my goodbyes
And all along you were right
I'll just dream for peace
Till I drift away from night
Don't be sad it's just what was right
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