Feeling trapped inside my mind.
My head full of demons.
Unwanted.
Unneeded.
Worthless.
Useless.
No good.
A joke.
Worn out.
Can't seem to catch my breath.
Wanting to cry, but can't seem to find the tears I was drowning in.
What happened to how it used to be?
Where do we go from here?
How can I continue to go on like this…
Abandoned and confused.
Help.

Help.

Help.

I want to write about what hurts because I think it will
Stop me from hurting. If I put these words on
A page then they will be easier to digest.
Poetry isn't curative by creation, it is
Just confession. Still, these remedial
Lines are what I turn to when I am holding
Too much in my hands. Right now, I feel
Like I am overflowing onto the ground below me.
For the first time,
I don't want to write about what hurts. I want
To keep it inside of me and let it burn me. I want
To carry it in my palms for as long as I can.
I should write
About how we've said goodbye so
Many times that it turned into a threat, a weapon
We made with our tongues.
I should write
About how I lied and got away with it,
How you got caught with
Your hands tied and no one to blame.
I should write
About how it was over before we waved the white
Flag, and I know what it means now
To hold onto a sinking ship.
I've never had anything to die for.
I should write about how I've never wanted
Something so much that I devastated it completely.
We loved in harsh conditions, under sun and darkness and
I don't know how to write about how
The love didn't save us.
I don't write about letting go as much as I write about
Holding on, and I want
That to change.
I don't want to write hurt just to feel it.
The next poem I write about you will be
About me. About how I held on and how I let go.
It won't be about your love, it will be about
Mine. It won't stop me from hurting, but
It is how I make it out
Of my love alive.

Maybe if we
fall
in love with
each
other all over
again
we'd make it
work.

I remember feeling lost, empty, and alone all at once.
Wishing the day would come to an end.
Hoping you'd come back to me.
Where does it go from here?
How do I move on?
Knowing you were gone before the blink of an eye.
I've been afraid because lately I haven't been myself.
I'm not sure who I even am anymore.
Nothing has changed nor has gotten any better.
I just keep seeing you there, in my head.
Hoping that I had more time, but you already left.
Feeling guilty because I was distant before you passed.
No one around has helped me, feeling hopeless.
Feeling numb.
Looking for the sun, but I can no longer feel it anymore.
I can't see happiness anymore.
Unusual images and visions.
Careless.
No more laughter.
Darkness.
My mind has wondered with no intention of coming back.
Full of emotion AND emotionless.
Still lost, empty, and alone.. All at once.
And there is no coming back from here.

it seems as though once you feel like your life is perfect and for once everything is going great
that eventually that all just fades away
you begin to realize all of the faults and flaws in your life
that you still are that terrible, broken person you were two years ago
I feel lost and confused
my head races with painful words
I've always wished to be someone that I am not
where I have a wonderful life that brings no torture to my mind
where I have friends and people who care when I'm down
where I don't have mental illnesses that affect my everyday life
where for once I can be happy all year and not just a day out of the month
every agonizing feeling takes complete control of my body and I can never feel myself again until a horrible breakdown occurs and I heal in three days
none of this makes sense
I can't even write anymore
I am good for n o t h i n g