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Natasha Teller May 2014
ian anderson wears my father's face,
my small hands in his work-worn palms
as he sings to me: war-child,
dance the days and nights away...


LATER.

my home is barefoot wandering baker street
in the dirt-path days before arthur conan doyle,
rabbits running in the gutter,
arms full of tea-cups,

praying to the gods of war
at the chapel of the bright city mile
on a dusty sunday afternoon--

and every song is home:
like the inside of a tavern,
yellow candlelight dancing across the wooden walls.
i see falstaff, ruddy-faced and drunk in the corner,
roland, passed out with a cup in hand,
my father, the minstrel in the gallery,
smile on his face, piping out a tune.

it is because of him i am a valkyrie, a war-child.
it is by his virtue that i brandish a sword,
that i stand at attention, that my back is unbroken,
that i give no armistice--
and he taught me how
(though it seems inconsequential)
to play solitaire.

OF COURSE.

and while the horses wander the hillside,
while i become the poet and unsheath my pen,
while i join the stage and leave the audience,

i know-- always--
i can follow the flute home.
Listening to "Thick as a Brick" today and realizing that Jethro Tull music has a very specific feel to me. I was raised on Tull music, thanks to my father, and have very fond memories of singing along to the War Child album with him as a very young child. I want to improve this-- this was an attempt to spit a draft onto paper. With Tull music, I'm often reminded of three distinct things: 1.) for some reason, I always pictured Ian Anderson as my father (and, in their old age now, they actually look quite alike), 2.) I get a Falstaff feel, for some reason-- tavern music from the fifteenth century? 3.) Home, undeniably, like I could climb up and make a bed for myself in the lyrics.
Natasha Teller May 2014
six years after you took your last breath
i now understand what you meant:

to have dis-
jointed thoughts, runningrunningrunning brain always running no time
to
breathe no space
do this-that-this-that
no breathing
how do i exhale(all i'm doing-- inhaling inhaling--)
brain fills lungs fill
which where what when
what happened two hours ago what day is
it when did you get here what have
i said what did you say?

palms fists in eye sockets
dark static dancing dancing
caffeine fired caffeine wired
no sleep
can't sleep
time to sleep?
never sleep

i remember:
that your pills weren't yours
that you cried for help
that you needed sleep to swallow you

that i closed my eyes while you died on your kitchen floor
and it eats me up

and it's only fair, then,
for me to have inherited your curse
  May 2014 Natasha Teller
Maya Angelou
Beloved,
In what other lives or lands
Have I known your lips
Your Hands
Your Laughter brave
Irreverent.
Those sweet excesses that
I do adore.
What surety is there
That we will meet again,
On other worlds some
Future time undated.
I defy my body's haste.
Without the promise
Of one more sweet encounter
I will not deign to die.
Natasha Teller May 2014
you're the one with the psychology degree:
yet you refuse, stubbornly, to get any sort of counseling.
we cannot help you.
god cannot help you.
you are broken and you will not fix yourself.

you need to face reality:
your husband is dead
your son married a jew
one daughter is an addict,
driven to drugs because of you.
your family is splintered
because you tried so hard
to force them to be your perfect ideal.


but today is the end.
today we say "no more."

today, we turn our backs on toxicity
for good.

and i will not take another ativan because of you,
and i will not lose another night's sleep because of you,
and i will not eat another box of chocolate because of you.

i will not be civil to you again.
i will not apologize to you again.

and i will not
see you
ever
again.
third angry mother-in-law poem in a row...
Natasha Teller May 2014
she's got a gold gold cup of poison
all these words waterfalling from her mouth
she wants to anoint me, sister
she wants to make me one of hers

i'm a little rodent,
she says, she says
running, piercing my feet
on a star of david wheel

jesus gotta save me
heavenly father gonna save me

and i told you i don't believe in that man
no divinity
no star of bethlehem


there's one God for me, lady,
one God,
Adonai's my salvation
he blesses me just fine
don't need no holy son, lady,
Adonai's just fine

and i ain't gonna drink your sacrament water
there's no cross for me

Adonai's my salvation
Adonai's just fine
It is likely that there will be several more angry mother-in-law poems over the next few days. You have been duly warned.
Natasha Teller May 2014
because you need to stop.
because there are times when my own mental health
must be put above the mental health of others
if only to save my sanity.
because, sometimes,
even if you are fragile as thin ice,
you need a strong dose of reality.
because i dread seeing you.
because you need help that none of us can give you.
because the last thing i need
is to see you
one
more
time.
Natasha Teller Apr 2014
so long ago it seems infinite:
heavy velvet, dark wine,
our crest on the wooden walls
in autumn splendor,
the gasp of midnight
and the vacuum of shadow,
a void in which only stars exist.

we became raw in that sacred space,
madoc and zyll, adam and eve,
souls and bones and flesh and breath,
a prayer in the closeness of our lips
to the omnipotence of reckless abandon--

we were god and goddess,
angels, mystics,

and though you have gone

we burn on,
we breathe and become,
breathe and become,
beacons in the blackest of skies,
little flames in the swallow of night.
napowrimo continues. this one came after I heard a song I have not heard in a very long time.
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