after a few hours of being away from the world,
i finally realized,
how much i hate it here.

i did not wear my gold ear cuff,
nor neither of my favorite jewelry.
today did not deserve any of that.

the blue sky did not look too good either.
i had to go home
after the sun had fully retired in the west.

i can't believe i'm writing this on a March morning.

my mind feels like falling apart all the time. it's crazy how it happens so often that i stopped resorting to crying my soul out. i just take it all in, slowly, surely, one by one, until it feels like a metal armor made up of the same things i hear every single day. there's not a time that i'm alone in a room. there are times, but that only happens in my mind: wanted isolation from everything else. i just need a break, or i'll snap in half.

there's only so much i can't say in the outer world. i put them in the inner rooms until they're forgotten and/or i have to utilize them to feel things. it gets so sad, believe me. but it's a part of me that if i had them removed, things won't be the same. things will remain unbalanced. the shift from joy to sorrow.

i take out the remnants of my mind to remind myself there's a lot more from where these came from. a reminder that life will continue to keep moving, and a lot more people will sputter out the same ******* thing.

but i still have to keep moving.

if i could talk to myself,
from roughly ten months ago,
the first thing she would do is cry.

if she could talk to me,
roughly ten months after,
the first thing i would do is speak.

if she could hear
all the things i did to keep me from collapsing,
maybe she would be proud.

if i told her
that i finally spent my time prioritizing myself,
both of us would unite in that idea.

there's nothing wrong
with being vulnerable.
it doesn't make you weak.


it only prepares you for other greater battles in life.

there really is nothing left to say.
there is only memories, dreams, hopes, and whatever we want in the future.

never sell yourself short for love.
you deserve a lot more than what you're currently getting.

if you're happy,
know that it doesn't stop there.
learn to anticipate the goodness that lies within the ground.

the decade ends.
and i hope all your fears do, too.
love and luck, dear.

i'm not sure where this is leading
maybe somewhere else
maybe i've forgotten how to rhyme
will someone please tell?
i'm confident about the motive
behind this not-so-poetic work,
i somehow want to get my fingers to type
i somehow do not want to get hurt.
i've done all the lurking
the petty snicker and huffs,
i really need to begin moving,
or else i will be stuck.

my friends will one day wake up to a sunrise that will no longer bother them.

they will open their eyes to a new beginning -- not to a storm masquerading as sunrise, not to repetitive death masquerading as new life. they will wake up when the world has finally woken up,outside of its shell. to promises that exist. to less ******* like the men they once dealt with, like the people they once longed to live a future around them.

my friends will no longer cry about the despair of their disruptive past. they will laugh over it and drink, and then cry to another set of dilemmas they hold, but at least not the ones that put them on the line and held them down. they will be in battles where they are certain they will succeed. not in wars that will leave them bloodied, with weapons that past lovers have wielded against them. by their own feet and their heavy yet graceful movement, they are bound to win.

my friends deserve to bleed by fighting for themselves, covering their faces in red blood that looked like wine; let them bleed by fighting their own weaknesses and encouraging their own strengths. not by picking on their scabs that were present since they opened themselves out aggressively, hoping that you would listen. but instead you ripped out an even bigger part of them, causing all the blood to ooze from various places, losing themselves in the abyss. they ask me "how do they sleep peacefully at the nights when i chose to **** my mind?" and i am left dumbfounded. i knew them for being so strong-willed, so independent, so fearless. all it took them was a dull, naive, little boy that failed to see the entire strength my friends possessed.

my friends deserve to live. they deserve to walk as they are on this earth. yes, they deserve to be talked to. no, they don't deserve to be talked down. yes, they deserve love in any forms possible. no, they don't deserve to change their bodies into forms you desire, ones that are impossible. ones that are never normal. and still use them to captivate your inner pleasures. and dismiss them so easily after the night has gone away. if you respect and love me as a human, then show the same energy to my friends. my friends deserve me, just as much as i deserve them.

my friends will one day sleep peacefully like you. whether by themselves or with a lover's warmth.

they will make it, and i will always love them.