you have the type of laugh
that makes people gravitate
towards you and stay awhile.
and your eyes always looked
easily up at me, your veins;
tree roots. we always come back.

it was the third year anniversary of your death tonight and i am so mad at the universe for taking you from us and i know she cried all night because i was with her all night. where you should have been.

i ate a chocolate covered pretzel for you tonight and i finally understood why you liked them so much. they are so much like her. sweet and salty, kind but firm.

when the cancer came she was optimistic for you but always knew when to call the doctors *******. when there was nothing left for the doctors to do she took you home.

she misses you so much and i know you are gone but please send her a kiss goodnight tonight.

my hoodie screams your name and my mittens radiating heat feel like the side of your neck and i want my hat back from the trunk of your car because as it turned out i needed it and i need you
i need you

I can't be the star that
your wishes ride on,
I'm trying to illuminate
enough light to keep myself
burning.

you are my fuzzy vision when I stand up too quickly.
you are the sweetness at the bottom of my hot chocolate.
you are peaches and plums and black berries.
you are my sixth grade secret and my tenth grade regret.
you are bitten nails and shaking hands and warm hugs and soft skin.

when you are next to me I try to breathe you in.
and when you are far away I try to find you in these words.
I try to find you in your photos.

I can always find you in the song we listened to while you told me you were falling apart.
I see you in the picture of you smiling I took of you the day you told me you weren't sure that you would be alright.
When I look at a clock I can hear you whispering that you want to die into my ear as I tried to hold all your pieces together. tight. tight. tight.

Just ******* Once
I Want You To
Hug Me First.
To Ask Me If I Am
Okay And To Care
That I'm Not.
I'm So Not.

The way I feel about you terrifies me.
I have never felt this way before and I don't know that I can let myself, that I even want to feel like this. All I know is you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I think I need you in my life more than I want you there.