i didn't realize how much i needed you,

until i could no longer see you,

and you no longer looked up as you passed me.

and i am trying to understand,

i am trying to understand.

but it feels like a punch in the stomach

every time i think about

how you used to instinctively

grab my hand when you laughed.

The sunlight through the
Window catches the glimmer
Of hope in your eyes.

Undocumented and subtle,
They separated so slowly over these last couple years.
Creating barriers between themselves without making any sudden, noticeable movements.
Sleeping with a whole floor between their pillows,
Sitting at the kitchen table with more space between their chairs than the amount of words they exchange,
Not ever attempting to finish each other's sentences, not caring that the other doesn't totally understand.

For better or for worst.
This is neither, so can they be over?

5 years you stayed until it was too much
4 times you scratched through the surface.
3 nights you cannot clearly remember.
2 fingers still bleed when they touch paper.
1 letter he will never read, because you never wrote it down.

i would ask you to take me home but i don't know where that is anymore.
and this taxi looks more inviting than the arms that hold me now.
please let me go, because i could never be good for you and right now your arms feel so wrong.

i'm so lost. you used to come find me.
but i don't think there is much to find these days.

We lost ourselves in each other.
I can't stand on your two feet anymore and I can feel your heartbeat clearly.
Do you feel mine?
Because I don't remember breathing.

I've thrown you so many life jackets that you continually dig your nails into and break through. I want to save you, but you are sinking fast and the boat I'm on is slowly drifting away.
The only thing I could do is jump in with you, but then,

we'd both drown.

Glass and silence surround our feet.
Shards ready for when we take a step
So stay still with me.
Stay frozen for awhile as we waltz without taking a step.

Mellow pills slipping from my fingers;
I'm helpless to your vacancy here.

I will waltz with your shadow.
But I don't really think I can dance.

Come home and teach me.

Rest with me.
Leave me in the end,
But come home.

i believe in you and i believe that the world stops and breathes for a moment once every july and i believe that the pictures tucked between my journals pages can sum me up better than these words and i believe that you are my favorite place to visit and i believe if you listen really hard at the top of a ferris wheel you can hear God whispering lullabies and i believe that the valentines we made as children are the most authentic and i believe that you taught me how to feel again and i believe the later at night it gets the more restless the soul becomes and i believe that i will find you within myself if i look hard enough and i believe that your heart beat is the prettiest music and i believe that you are not everything i always wanted, but what I need now.

when the day comes where their smile
becomes more of a prayer than a greeting,

don't panic.

you don't have to kiss them or **** yourself,
you can just watch them smile for two years.

you will stop going to church.
It will no longer feel like where
you hold your faith.

don't panic.

you don't have to choose between heaven
and and hell, you can just watch
them smile for two whole years.

my head is being pushed into water by sets of hands. sometimes the water  finds its way into my tear ducts. sometimes into my lungs.

the hands never identify themselves. but sometimes when i wiggle my fingers, my head itches.

i convinced myself that you loved me in the same way i would swear i heard hooves on my roof late on Christmas Eve. it was just so very real, until it wasn't.

I drive away from you, shivering.
the spring sun was deceiving,
I thought it would be warmer today.
but the cold cuts through the air like the words you only ever implied.
because I told you I loved you today and you told me that you had to pick between two 'perfections'.
and you knew her skin first.

wet blurred eyes, freezing over,
i slam on my brakes.
baby deer are scattered among the
road and field adjacent to the street.

and this is the second time I feel
guilty for existing today.

sometimes i forget
that when you left
you took nothing with you.

sometimes i forget
that my music isn’t mine.
my outlook: shaped by you.
you took nothing from me.

sometimes the spaces
you occupied within me
light up. reminding me
that while you left, you also
left so much more
to be discovered.

sometimes i see your fingerprints
everywhere.

if energy cannot be destroyed or created,
than we have always existed
and we will always exist.

this is both a comforting and terrifying understanding of forever.

come to my frozen beach
and swim in the unknown
courtesy of where are we going?
and who will we become?
it is there that you will decide
there is something worth falling
asleep to wake up for

The world spun too fast for
me to cling on to the sides;
My knuckles had grown
pale and stiff for trying.

And your hair always flew easily in the wind like something out if an old indie movie.

Your crooked smile was so much more that a poetic cliche.

I want you to know I am sorry and I think I did once love you.

Some of us are meant for this.
Some are meant to suffer,
And would be too scared to thrive.

like hydrangeas,
you must allow yourself to bleed.
to fade from one truth
to another like from
blue to purple to pink.

December came and went
without notice of your departure.

but when January rolled around and fruit cake and sparkling lights no longer littered my home, it felt empty and i remembered how full and intense your presence was and how i longed for what we almost,
but never fully, had.

stop setting me up
for redemption,
sometimes i just
want to burn off
my own sins.

Maybe I'm not yelling because I'm mad.
Maybe I'm just trying to make you hear me over the ******* swarming inside your head.

when you don’t know what to do
close your eyes and remember the
afternoon we spent giggling in the
burning sun, lying with sand between
our toes and forever on our lips.
grab and follow that feeling,
it’ll take you where
you need to be

It is so dark. I do not remember who turned off the lights, but I wish they hadn’t. The darkness is in full control of the situation. It holds me here, silent and awake. I have now listened to her sob heavily into her pillow for what seems like hours. At one point she would have hidden that from me, tried harder to muffle the sound. We are past that point. Through her tears we are both drowning.

Stop lying and admit
That you are gone.
you've been gone for
Some time now.
And I'm not convinced
That you will ever come
Back for me.

You left me to the lion
And lioness. They were
Hungrier than we ever
Could've imagined.

All that is left of me is
My skeleton that got
Stuck in their teeth.

Jaywalk with me
On the search of
what we are and
what we need.
We will travel to
Rosy gardens and
Religious mountains.
Lost will feel right
With you.

when you text me thank you
and I type anytime,
know I truly mean it.

anytime, anywhere, anything.
no matter what.
i'd do it all for you.

You always had me.
I wasn't hours or
miles away so please
Put away your helmet
And remember how it
Felt when we flew down
The path in July.
The gravel has been so
Lonely

sometimes when i
look at you
i think,
maybe i was
born to tell you
how beautiful
you are.

maybe.

i don't think
i know the words
to this song
but i'll still sing it for
you

I’m lost and no one is looking.
I’m incapable of breath.
I’m a horrendous matinee,
To which no one bought a ticket.
The vacant audience’s presence is accusing;
Disappointed and Unimpressed.

But my matinee croons on,
Waiting for a chance to be adored;
Loved or Treasured.
Each scene filled with the hope;
That an admirer will step forth,
From the outskirts of the empty theatre.

But the strangers on the streets stroll on,
While I become a stranger to the stage;
Unsure of a direction or dialoge I will falter
And fail.

don't ever tell me that you
were never mine.

when for months on end
when you couldn't sleep
you texted me at 3:00 a.m.

i would stay awake for
you and talk you down
from whatever hell was
occurring in your mind.

some nights you wouldn't
text me. and I would
stay up anyway,

writing obituaries all
night long.

I became so contempt
with watching the performance
that I forgot my cue.

The show went on.

playing cards sit in your back pocket like the matches in my own||we both need something to do with our hands||you mix things up||while I set things aflame||we are a devastating pair||but when our back pockets are smushed up against your kitchen stools||and we light the king and queen of hearts on fire||i know my hurricane is home||

i awoke choking on your t-shirt collar.
sand and confusion laid grainy
in the roots of my hair.

in the daylight i am headstrong and firm in my beliefs,
but when the moon is overhead
i awake with a guilty conscience.

i can never shampoo enough.

i'll be dancing on your tightrope
praying that the winds don't change

Please talk nicely to yourself as you  fall asleep and dream about those roses we picked in your backyard.
They were almost as beautiful as you.
Don't get so wrapped up in the weeds that you stop growing before you fully bloom.
I promise I won't let anyone pick you and put you in their windex kitchens.

I am building sandcastles out
of the love letters you
will one day write me.

Some sand will blown away,
and these become unspoken
promises and silent words
hanging in the air
between us.

We will build our
sandcastle to be beautiful.

And we will build it to
inevitably wash away.

You throw grenades
in my direction and
then run away, leaving
me to try to make sense
of the rubble and dirt
you leave behind.

you, my love, are both.
both the warrior and the healer.
both the scholar and the giggles.
both the smile and the voice.
both the dreamer and the work.
both the sister and the friend.

you, my dear, are and.
sweet and fire and
daring and soft and poems
and rain and lightning and
sunshine and brave
and shy and quiet and
booming and stubborn
and red and lively and
blue and burning.

you, my sister, are not everything.
but anything.

tell me again why
we wouldn't work.

because you are smiling,
and I am smiling,

and happiness is
not a given.

I'm getting deeper and deeper into this mess, and when you start to look into things I will be utterly *******.
I lay here knowing that everything is in the process of falling apart and that I don't want to see the disappointment in your eyes when you realize I'm not what you thought I was.
Stay away.
Stay blind.
Stay deaf.
**** your songbird and mount it to the wall over your bed.

Don't promise me stars.
They are not within your
Reach.

I would be happy with the
Constellations freckled
And trailing down your
back.

It all changed in an instant.
You realized the sparkle in
her eye is her tears,
Her carefree attitude actually
reflects how much she
really doesn't care.
About you,
or anything at all.

You don't seem to care at all
and that calms and terrifies me.
Read your old obituaries
Slowly and softly to lull me
Into believing you are safe.

I've died quite a bit
since you last saw
me

Suicide was her seventh grade kiss that didn't let go when she did.

Suicide was the brightest star in the sky. Every night she would pick it out among the rest.

Suicide was the white around her eyes. You saw it when you looked at her, but it never stood out to you

Until her iris turned black.

The moon mocks you as you lie restless. Blink often and you will finally fade. Watch the cars pass through the window and replay her goodbye over and over and over and

I feel very adult
when I complain
about you. But maybe
I don't ever wanna
graduate.

I'll stay seventeen
forever, please, because
we both know I am the
freckle on your pinky finger.

I cannot listen to voicemails
Without picturing you dead
In your parents house.

I can't look at the bay
Without feeling my stomach
Drop and churn.

My heart races whenever
I hear a police car or ambulance
Drive near.

I am sorry that I cannot
See a movie or get pizza.

I have grieved you once before.

I don't think I can survive
grieving twice.