my head is being pushed into water by sets of hands. sometimes the water  finds its way into my tear ducts. sometimes into my lungs.

the hands never identify themselves. but sometimes when i wiggle my fingers, my head itches.

sometimes i forget
that when you left
you took nothing with you.

sometimes i forget
that my music isn’t mine.
my outlook: shaped by you.
you took nothing from me.

sometimes the spaces
you occupied within me
light up. reminding me
that while you left, you also
left so much more
to be discovered.

sometimes i see your fingerprints
everywhere.

you, my love, are both.
both the warrior and the healer.
both the scholar and the giggles.
both the smile and the voice.
both the dreamer and the work.
both the sister and the friend.

you, my dear, are and.
sweet and fire and
daring and soft and poems
and rain and lightning and
sunshine and brave
and shy and quiet and
booming and stubborn
and red and lively and
blue and burning.

you, my sister, are not everything.
but anything.

when the day comes where their smile
becomes more of a prayer than a greeting,

don't panic.

you don't have to kiss them or **** yourself,
you can just watch them smile for two years.

you will stop going to church.
It will no longer feel like where
you hold your faith.

don't panic.

you don't have to choose between heaven
and and hell, you can just watch
them smile for two whole years.

i didn't realize how much i needed you,

until i could no longer see you,

and you no longer looked up as you passed me.

and i am trying to understand,

i am trying to understand.

but it feels like a punch in the stomach

every time i think about

how you used to instinctively

grab my hand when you laughed.

i convinced myself that you loved me in the same way i would swear i heard hooves on my roof late on Christmas Eve. it was just so very real, until it wasn't.

like hydrangeas,
you must allow yourself to bleed.
to fade from one truth
to another like from
blue to purple to pink.

I am building sandcastles out
of the love letters you
will one day write me.

Some sand will blown away,
and these become unspoken
promises and silent words
hanging in the air
between us.

We will build our
sandcastle to be beautiful.

And we will build it to
inevitably wash away.

don't ever tell me that you
were never mine.

when for months on end
when you couldn't sleep
you texted me at 3:00 a.m.

i would stay awake for
you and talk you down
from whatever hell was
occurring in your mind.

some nights you wouldn't
text me. and I would
stay up anyway,

writing obituaries all
night long.

tell me again why
we wouldn't work.

because you are smiling,
and I am smiling,

and happiness is
not a given.

sometimes when i
look at you
i think,
maybe i was
born to tell you
how beautiful
you are.

maybe.

i believe in you and i believe that the world stops and breathes for a moment once every july and i believe that the pictures tucked between my journals pages can sum me up better than these words and i believe that you are my favorite place to visit and i believe if you listen really hard at the top of a ferris wheel you can hear God whispering lullabies and i believe that the valentines we made as children are the most authentic and i believe that you taught me how to feel again and i believe the later at night it gets the more restless the soul becomes and i believe that i will find you within myself if i look hard enough and i believe that your heart beat is the prettiest music and i believe that you are not everything i always wanted, but what I need now.

you are my fuzzy vision when I stand up too quickly.
you are the sweetness at the bottom of my hot chocolate.
you are peaches and plums and black berries.
you are my sixth grade secret and my tenth grade regret.
you are bitten nails and shaking hands and warm hugs and soft skin.

when you are next to me I try to breathe you in.
and when you are far away I try to find you in these words.
I try to find you in your photos.

I can always find you in the song we listened to while you told me you were falling apart.
I see you in the picture of you smiling I took of you the day you told me you weren't sure that you would be alright.
When I look at a clock I can hear you whispering that you want to die into my ear as I tried to hold all your pieces together. tight. tight. tight.

I drive away from you, shivering.
the spring sun was deceiving,
I thought it would be warmer today.
but the cold cuts through the air like the words you only ever implied.
because I told you I loved you today and you told me that you had to pick between two 'perfections'.
and you knew her skin first.

wet blurred eyes, freezing over,
i slam on my brakes.
baby deer are scattered among the
road and field adjacent to the street.

and this is the second time I feel
guilty for existing today.

if energy cannot be destroyed or created,
than we have always existed
and we will always exist.

this is both a comforting and terrifying understanding of forever.

Stop lying and admit
That you are gone.
you've been gone for
Some time now.
And I'm not convinced
That you will ever come
Back for me.

You left me to the lion
And lioness. They were
Hungrier than we ever
Could've imagined.

All that is left of me is
My skeleton that got
Stuck in their teeth.

I cannot listen to voicemails
Without picturing you dead
In your parents house.

I can't look at the bay
Without feeling my stomach
Drop and churn.

My heart races whenever
I hear a police car or ambulance
Drive near.

I am sorry that I cannot
See a movie or get pizza.

I have grieved you once before.

I don't think I can survive
grieving twice.

I can't be the star that
your wishes ride on,
I'm trying to illuminate
enough light to keep myself
burning.

when you text me thank you
and I type anytime,
know I truly mean it.

anytime, anywhere, anything.
no matter what.
i'd do it all for you.

It is so dark. I do not remember who turned off the lights, but I wish they hadn’t. The darkness is in full control of the situation. It holds me here, silent and awake. I have now listened to her sob heavily into her pillow for what seems like hours. At one point she would have hidden that from me, tried harder to muffle the sound. We are past that point. Through her tears we are both drowning.

i awoke choking on your t-shirt collar.
sand and confusion laid grainy
in the roots of my hair.

in the daylight i am headstrong and firm in my beliefs,
but when the moon is overhead
i awake with a guilty conscience.

i can never shampoo enough.

stop setting me up
for redemption,
sometimes i just
want to burn off
my own sins.

Don't promise me stars.
They are not within your
Reach.

I would be happy with the
Constellations freckled
And trailing down your
back.

Suicide was her seventh grade kiss that didn't let go when she did.

Suicide was the brightest star in the sky. Every night she would pick it out among the rest.

Suicide was the white around her eyes. You saw it when you looked at her, but it never stood out to you

Until her iris turned black.

December came and went
without notice of your departure.

but when January rolled around and fruit cake and sparkling lights no longer littered my home, it felt empty and i remembered how full and intense your presence was and how i longed for what we almost,
but never fully, had.

i'll be dancing on your tightrope
praying that the winds don't change

I became so contempt
with watching the performance
that I forgot my cue.

The show went on.

you have the type of laugh
that makes people gravitate
towards you and stay awhile.
and your eyes always looked
easily up at me, your veins;
tree roots. we always come back.

come to my frozen beach
and swim in the unknown
courtesy of where are we going?
and who will we become?
it is there that you will decide
there is something worth falling
asleep to wake up for

it was the third year anniversary of your death tonight and i am so mad at the universe for taking you from us and i know she cried all night because i was with her all night. where you should have been.

i ate a chocolate covered pretzel for you tonight and i finally understood why you liked them so much. they are so much like her. sweet and salty, kind but firm.

when the cancer came she was optimistic for you but always knew when to call the doctors *******. when there was nothing left for the doctors to do she took you home.

she misses you so much and i know you are gone but please send her a kiss goodnight tonight.

It all changed in an instant.
You realized the sparkle in
her eye is her tears,
Her carefree attitude actually
reflects how much she
really doesn't care.
About you,
or anything at all.

Jaywalk with me
On the search of
what we are and
what we need.
We will travel to
Rosy gardens and
Religious mountains.
Lost will feel right
With you.

I feel very adult
when I complain
about you. But maybe
I don't ever wanna
graduate.

I'll stay seventeen
forever, please, because
we both know I am the
freckle on your pinky finger.

Please talk nicely to yourself as you  fall asleep and dream about those roses we picked in your backyard.
They were almost as beautiful as you.
Don't get so wrapped up in the weeds that you stop growing before you fully bloom.
I promise I won't let anyone pick you and put you in their windex kitchens.

Undocumented and subtle,
They separated so slowly over these last couple years.
Creating barriers between themselves without making any sudden, noticeable movements.
Sleeping with a whole floor between their pillows,
Sitting at the kitchen table with more space between their chairs than the amount of words they exchange,
Not ever attempting to finish each other's sentences, not caring that the other doesn't totally understand.

For better or for worst.
This is neither, so can they be over?

Mellow pills slipping from my fingers;
I'm helpless to your vacancy here.

I will waltz with your shadow.
But I don't really think I can dance.

Come home and teach me.

Rest with me.
Leave me in the end,
But come home.

Maybe I'm not yelling because I'm mad.
Maybe I'm just trying to make you hear me over the ******* swarming inside your head.

You throw grenades
in my direction and
then run away, leaving
me to try to make sense
of the rubble and dirt
you leave behind.

I've thrown you so many life jackets that you continually dig your nails into and break through. I want to save you, but you are sinking fast and the boat I'm on is slowly drifting away.
The only thing I could do is jump in with you, but then,

we'd both drown.

The way I feel about you terrifies me.
I have never felt this way before and I don't know that I can let myself, that I even want to feel like this. All I know is you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I think I need you in my life more than I want you there.

i would ask you to take me home but i don't know where that is anymore.
and this taxi looks more inviting than the arms that hold me now.
please let me go, because i could never be good for you and right now your arms feel so wrong.

i'm so lost. you used to come find me.
but i don't think there is much to find these days.

Just ******* Once
I Want You To
Hug Me First.
To Ask Me If I Am
Okay And To Care
That I'm Not.
I'm So Not.

when you don’t know what to do
close your eyes and remember the
afternoon we spent giggling in the
burning sun, lying with sand between
our toes and forever on our lips.
grab and follow that feeling,
it’ll take you where
you need to be

I'm getting deeper and deeper into this mess, and when you start to look into things I will be utterly *******.
I lay here knowing that everything is in the process of falling apart and that I don't want to see the disappointment in your eyes when you realize I'm not what you thought I was.
Stay away.
Stay blind.
Stay deaf.
**** your songbird and mount it to the wall over your bed.

I’m lost and no one is looking.
I’m incapable of breath.
I’m a horrendous matinee,
To which no one bought a ticket.
The vacant audience’s presence is accusing;
Disappointed and Unimpressed.

But my matinee croons on,
Waiting for a chance to be adored;
Loved or Treasured.
Each scene filled with the hope;
That an admirer will step forth,
From the outskirts of the empty theatre.

But the strangers on the streets stroll on,
While I become a stranger to the stage;
Unsure of a direction or dialoge I will falter
And fail.

Glass and silence surround our feet.
Shards ready for when we take a step
So stay still with me.
Stay frozen for awhile as we waltz without taking a step.

5 years you stayed until it was too much
4 times you scratched through the surface.
3 nights you cannot clearly remember.
2 fingers still bleed when they touch paper.
1 letter he will never read, because you never wrote it down.

We lost ourselves in each other.
I can't stand on your two feet anymore and I can feel your heartbeat clearly.
Do you feel mine?
Because I don't remember breathing.

my hoodie screams your name and my mittens radiating heat feel like the side of your neck and i want my hat back from the trunk of your car because as it turned out i needed it and i need you
i need you

The moon mocks you as you lie restless. Blink often and you will finally fade. Watch the cars pass through the window and replay her goodbye over and over and over and