Weeks have gone by since we last spoke.
You're currently on the other side of the world right now, and I want so badly for you to just stay there.
My hometown is much better when you aren't here.
I can go to the store, to our favorite restaurant, past your work, and I don't even worry about you seeing me.
I find myself looking for your car in parking lots and on the freeway.
The "junk" sticker your friend strategically placed on your bumper, still burns in my head.
I look for the yellow 'w' on your mothers Honda.
I find myself doing this all the time.
While I'm at coffee with a friend.
Stuck behind green lights.
Daydreaming at work.
It's so strange.
I'm so scared to see you again.
I have this love love hate whatever feeling stuck in the pits of my stomach.
It's not as though I'm confused.
I knew what you were doing.
I guess I just have this urge to spite you, but not quite.
I made out with two boys in one day, so I just figured you should know that.
I want so badly for you to see me and for you to want me more than you ever have in your life.
I want to turn you down, until you are crumpled paper that I can set fire to.
It's crazy how sadness turns into anger in a matter of time.
Every single time I hear that song, part of me wants to cry,
But as a whole, i have no tears left in my being.
I wish you saw me when I was depressed.
I guess I wish you would have understood what you put me through.
I guess I wish you could read this.
Being without you feels good, but lonely at the same time.
I don't know..
I should have dumped you a long time ago
You still come up in daily conversations...
"Oh me and so and so used to do that..."
I think at some point that will go away..
I'm doing better now.
I hope it lasts.

It's one o'clock in the morning.
It's been a week since I last saw you.
I lie on my bed, thinking about the way you used to hold me.
It was as if you were holding a grudge...
I keep thinking about us,
Where our relationship cracked
And I can't figure out exactly where it started.
I can't help but think our relationship was never meant to be.
Like maybe, if I never met you again, I wouldn't be in this mess.
I think about how a week ago,
I was drowning in depression and taking too many pills.
I think about how much weight and sleep I lost.
I think about hiw you came over and dropped my stuff off and how I broke down in front of you..
I think about where I am right now...
I'm not great, but I'm not completely terrible.
It's a bit of an in between phase...
I wonder how long it will be like this..
I can't stop looking at your Facebook or Twitter.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that you're leaving and I truly won't be able to talk to you for awhile..
I think about how I just want you to **** Rebecca and come crawling back to me.
I want you get revenge..
I want you to wreck havoc.
I want you to miss me.
I want to move on sometimes.
Sometimes I think this relationship is too broken to fix, and sometimes I'm really determined to fix it to the best of my abilities..
I send you long messages
About this weight that's been on my heart and you don't even say anything.
I'm so confused.
Since the beginning of 2017, I've been so confused.
To be honest, I thought I made a mistake in saying "yes" when you asked me to be yours on December 31st..
I remember talking to my father about it in the kitchen for hours..
And then I fell in love with you..
Or maybe it's the fact that I fall in love with people who have no interest in being with me..
It's really ****** up, I know..
I can't stop thinking about you.
I hate that I can't bring myself to call you, because I know you won't answer and I promised I would give you your space...
I just wish you would tell me if you needed me to move on already, because I already know these two weeks won't change your heart..
I hate that I am allowing myself to wait for you.
I hate that we are in this mess.
I hate that I haven't felt your lips on mine in over a week..
I hate that I don't know how you're doing right now..
Or if you are already talking to somebody else..
I hate that I can't get you out of my mind or off of my chest.
I hate that you make me feel this way..

If he begs you to get back together with him and then breaks your heart,
He's not worth it.
If he tells you he'd sleep with your best friend,
He's not worth it.
If he brings up your past in which he was not involved in,
He's not worth it.
If he maked you want to douse your dreams in gasoline and strike the match against his cheek,
He's not worth it.
If he makes you feel like you are not a priority,
He's not worth it.
If he doesn't cry when you say goodbye for the last time,
He's not worth it.
If he doesn't let you call him late at night because this whole thing is killing you inside,
Then he's not worth it.
If he makes you want to take bottles and bottles of pills just to keep you from thinking about him,
Then he's not worth it.
He's not worth crying over day after day.
He's not worth the untouched food on your plate.
He's not worth those twenty pounds that you lost from lack of hunger.
He's not worth losing sleep over.
He's not worth beating myself up to death.
He's not worth the millions of missed calls you've sent him.
He's not worth the desperation in your voice when you beg him to stay.
He's not worth any of it.
You say you're confused and he doesn't give you closure.
He has all of your things in his house still,
And those things no longer hold value, because he's not worth the pain.
He's not worth the agony.
Talk to yourself in the mall, in the car, in your bed whenever you feel alone.
There are things you never got to say.
But talking to him at this point just makes things worse..
Block his number and all of his social media.
The thought of him ever wanting to come back to you after this will burn holes in your shoes.
He never really appreciated what you had to offer.
And trust me, I know it hurts.
But your friends will never have the right words to say.
Your family won't allow you to drive to his house in the middle of then night when you are broken and hell bent.
Romance, for me, so often ends in painstaking heart ache.
So you need to gather yourself.
Get up.
Brush your teeth.
Take a shower.
Eat a homecooked meal.
Go to work.
Start working out.
And get this boy off of your chest.
Scrub your self in the shower.
One day, you'll realize that this no longer hurts you anymore.
You've  done it before.
And you can do it again.

I guess it is me..
I guess I get ***
Confused with love
I guess that's my issue.
I guess it's me that has had this crippling anxiety
Every night I lay in bed thinking about him
I can't get the thought of what happened out of my head.
I can't stop thinking I will never be enough.
I can't stop thinking about how he told me,
He never wants to get married
And I think "What's the point anyways?"
I thought that was the whole point of us being together.
I mean.. it's my parents getting divorced, right?
His are happily married in this giant picture perfect home...
I ... I don't understand.
It's me that dies inside when he updates his profile picture to a photo of just him and not us.
He keeps saying "Oh, I forgot." "Oh, well.. my Instagram has our picture there."
But I am curious if there is another girl.
I wonder if that's why he is so distant.
I have these crazy mood swings.
It's just me putting all of this effort.
I sometimes think about opening the door of this fast moving vehicle
Called life
And just falling out
And smacking the cold, hard pavement one last time.
I hate that he makes me feel this way.
I hate that he makes me feel so powerless
So pathetic
I hate that I've fallen for him again
I hate myself, mostly.
I hate that I am lonely
Relationships are supposed to be a two way street, but lately it's been me driving one way there and one way back.
He tells me his street is under construction...
I find it hard to believe
I watched 13 Reasons Why all in one night
And I thought about how the people around her were so broken
And I sometimes have this fear that if I do fall out of this fast moving vehicle
No one will care when I am gone.
I wonder if he will even care
I can't handle putting all of my love into someone and getting nothing in return
I think about how much everything hurts
I think about the way I feel at 3 am
I don't understand why this is my life
I don't understand why everything is so ****** up in my life all of the time
I guess when you get back together with someone, the past doesn't really go away
He said " You turned into the person I used to be"
And I am still trying to figure out what that means....

My roommate doesn't know this,
But every Thursday night when she leaves for class,
I cradle myself into this ball of depression.
I think how much of a failure I am.
I think about how worthless I have been feeling lately.
It's like no matter how much I try, I always end up messing up.
I feel exhausted.
It makes me think back to junior year, when I wanted nothing more than to suffocate my emotions under decorated pillows.

Red Beard returns
My heart races when I approach him
He takes his ear buds and slides them out from under his shirt
I want to slide my hands underneath and feel the heat from his body
But I restrain..
At least for a little while
He helps me into my bed
And together we lie there
He plays with my hair and turn on Hocus Pocus
It feels like the best fall night I've ever had
It starts to storm outside
But we are tucked away into the comfort of my own bed
He kisses the too of my head
And my nose
And my cheeks
My body feels warm and tingly
He pokes fun at me
But kisses me afterwards to make up for it
And i love it
I love the way he teases me
He pulls me close
Whispers something along the lines of wishing he could be even closer
I am romantically involved in the way i fit so perfectly beside him
I push my fingers onto his skin so lightly
He says he likes it
I lift his shirt up and trace circles down his back
We lay like that for a while
I wonder what it would be like to get used to this
And suddenly i want it
The movie ends
We lay there a bit longer
And then he asks me about music
We then spend the next hour downloading his favorite songs
He sings along and dances ridiculously
And i cannot get enough of him
We talk about childhood memories
And when i think he's about to leave,
He walks back over and kisses me slowly
Red Beard gets me to walk him out
And at the top of the stairwell, he kisses me again
I am so filled with excitement and joy
I hope it lasts
I hope it's always him

I am coming to this conclusion about myself.
It's like, ever since you left, I've lost my ability to love.
Maybe it is because I am drained of love.
Boyfriend number 2 comes along and originally, I feel in love.
I feel happy.
But I soon find things I dislike.
I soon find myself crying over the things he says.
I dump him sobbing.
The next day, I am restored.
New shiny porcelain.
I begin dating.
Date contestant one:
Everything seems to be going great, except for well... the fact that he's shorter than me..
We talk music
We kiss in his apartment
I am groped without permission and I lose all control.
What happened to CONSENT?
Repulsed, I leave.
Date contestant two:
Red Beard.
He is swift and stout,
runs circles over the backs of my arms
I don't know what love is, but maybe if I knew I could love him
He reminds me of you, but harder
Doesn't text back
Likes to play hard to get
And that's ****, you know?
Except for the fact that it's not.
I am dying to get at his every move.. his angle.
My heart races when I think about him... and what?
I barely know him...
The time spent kissing could have been spent with the air
and words
and connections
He grabs me too,
without consent
but it's somewhat... OKAY?
Like he's not super clingy, right?
He tells me he has had a nice time
And that hey lets hang out again.
Of course I agree.
Red Beard is a god send, right?
Date contestant 3
He arrives late
Is distant originally
I like that.
But then he kisses me and I hate it
He's clingy
He tells me way too much
Um, a girl with a baby??
No thanks
He never went to school
I want out
He doesn't get the hint.
I will probably never talk to him again
I am regretting life
I want Red Beard or you
GIVE ME SOMEONE FAMILIAR
I just can't stand sitting in my empty room and wondering
What. Went. Wrong?
I am so relieved when they leave
I am cold and I don't know if I just haven't met the right person...
Or if maybe... I lost my ability to love, because you drank it all straight from the stream.