How can he just come in here and touch me like that
And then never touch me again?

Today I met the guy with the red beard
I saw him standing in the downstairs coffee shop
We talked for a few moments before heading up to my room
We were watching films
And my head spun in circles when he traced the backs of my palms
Over
And over
And over again
We made small conversation about similar friends
And sports we'd played in high school
His eyes were bright green
And oh how i fell in love with those eyes
He cradled my body against his
As he rubbed my back with pride
Kissed the top of my head and my dimples
Oh my dimples
He called me the holy trinity
His hands lingered to the back of my neck and suddenly i was his
Our lips touched
The whiskers of his beard tickling my mouth softly
I pull on the edges of his shirt
He smiles
I smile back
I felt a spark I'd never felt before
I couldn't stop smiling
I wish i could press the rewind button
He whispered sweet nothings into my ears
As I slowly drifted off
He was a dream
He was supposed to leave an hour ago,  but he just left
And for some reason
When i close the door after he leaves
I crawl back to my bed with an emptiness I haven't felt in a long time
Questions raise
Will he text me?
Why is he being so short with me?
Is this sarcasm?
Am i the only one?
Will i ever see him again?
Does he like me?
Suddenly,  I don't want to be the only one.
I want to be thee one..
I haven't felt a passion for someone like that in what sees like an eternity
I think red beard
Will
****
Me
Up
Again

9 o'clock
Together we lay in your bed
I watch as the sun leaks through your blinds
Giving the room a sort of familiar feeling
Its summer
We spend long nights together
I don't leave until midnight
You say you love me three times without even realizing
I drive over again
Effort has shifted to me
I put it in daily, as I watch you slowly step backwards
We get into our first fight, which leads to many.... Many..more...
The way you say my name almost sounds like a cry for help
Maybe its me
Maybe I'm the one who is bad at relationships
Maybe I'm the toxic one...

I walked outside today
And noticed the warm sun on my skin
Crossing our school parking lot
I look around and wonder if I'll miss spring days here
I get a sense of nostalgia for rainy days spent kicking a ball around in the mud
With an army of friends I thought I'd have for a lifetime
It's strange
To think this time last year
We were fogging up windows in your car
Talking about our plans for the future
And within all of this
I feel so free
I breathe in the cool air and close my eyes
I open the windows and sleep with the crickets quiet chirping
I feel at home..

Boy of 19,
Don't you know what you're doing?
You're opening a can of worms.
This can hasn't been opened since 2015.
The dust collects on the lid,
And the dented aluminum screams for mercy.
College boy,
Don't you know what you're doing?
You're pressing your words onto my skin.
Your voice reaches my ears through waves in the atmosphere.
Boy,
Don't you know what you're doing?
You solve rubixs cube as if you were trying to figure out the answer to why she asked you to come over for Thanksgiving dinner.
Don't you know what you're doing?
................................
(To be continued)

I'm staring up at the ceiling as if it were something interesting...
As if..
I haven't scanned ever corner of this white textured paint.
I wonder
If you've checked your voicemail since October
Or how I ended up in this bed,
Grasping this quilt as if my life depends on it.
The corners of my eyes have gained bursted blood vessels
I wonder
If you feel like this.
Like the space between our hands haven't healed since the beginning of time..

How dare you
Bring up the past and try to push your weary disappointment onto my skin.

I'm like the wrong answer to the problem that you've never fully erased ..