I have a name
One of those names you leave on welcome mats, but don't leave a key under because you're afraid of letting someone in.
Its easy to dust your feet off on me.
You do so everytime you leave this half empty house
I'm easy to leave
You don't think twice about making sure  the door is locked
You don't linger on the porch steps near my name
If the house was on fire, I'd be the very last thing you'd save.
You don't bring me inside in the winter
I'm a placeholder
I keep the dirt from reaching  your crippled frames.
I'm not a necessity.
I mean, how many people have welcome matts anymore?
I have a name.
But it doesn't bring joy to your home.
I'm not a welcome mat.
I am a mat of despair and anguish.
"Yes, please enter our lovely home! I've died here more times than you can count on your temperate fingertips!"
I do not feel like home
I do not soothe you on cold rainy days, but rather sit in the damp haze of depression.
I am not your welcome mat.

In 8th grade
We had a long absence due to the misguidance of friends
Because of jealousy
At the end of the year,
We slowly began to talk once more
You explained the terrors of your parents divorce
Leaving out the big details
We weren't close yet
Freshman year
I spent long evenings at your house
And ate dinner with your religious family
The summers we spent laughing until the early hours of dawn
You spoke more about your father
You explained the significance of the night he spat in your face
Exclaiming his hatred for you
This broke you down to nothing but crushed pieces of a human
In the second term of sophomore year
You didn't come to school
Teachers asked where you were and I tried to make it subtle
You missed over three months that year
Junior year
Your absences racked up
You missed school for "surgery excuses"
You couldn't put your shoes on
You lost clothing items
Senior year
You were home schooled
I was forced to walk idly around the school like a hopeless ghost
Wishing for the friendship you and I had
Wishing for someone who cares
That's your favorite
You dont care about anything
You're selfish
You have no goals set up for yourself at the end of the tunnel
Your long distance relationship came to an end because you lost feelings
But I've been missing my first love since march and you've been telling me to just
"Forget about it"
Its not that easy, you say it is.
You are defensive
You're excuse is the depression
You want to up the dose of your medication
You know, sometimes people say you need to just get over your depression
That's equivalent to saying "HEY! YOUR EMOTIONS ARENT VALID",
Which is exactly what you did to me
I'm not trying to degrade your depression
I've been there
But you've placed yourself in the bottom of the pits for three years
And no one can help you anymore
Its up to YOU to pull yourself out
Stop depending on temporary people to breach your armor of happiness
It never works
Ive been there
Take care of yourself
Take a shower
Brush your teeth
Wash your face
Look in the mirror
Tell me if you love the person who looks back at you
I dont think you do..

I want you to love me this morning
I want you to replace the clothes on hangers in my closet
I wish you'd come back and remember me like it was winter.
I know that I haven't written about you since the summer
And that it was supposed to be the last and angry love letter
But the velocity of strokes in which my pen creates always circles back and I find myself etching your initials into my skin.
When I was younger, I promised myself I'd never cry over any boy.
The tomboyish version of my younger self always thought sobbing over boys was a pathetic act of desperation, accomplishing nothing but sopping sleeves and swollen eyes.
It wasn't until you left months ago, that I realized, the tears that streaked down my face were cleansing my body from everything you've ever touched.
I have scrubbed my skin in the shower trying to get your name off of my chest.
I have rinsed and repeated more times than you can count on your slender fingers;  that always used to ache whenever I held them for too long.
Sometimes, people stop and ask me how long it's been since you last loved me.
I tell them I was never truly yours
But I would still sit on your bookshelf and collect dust with the poetry I wrote you,
If that's what you wanted, but I know you'd always cover me with coffee stains and cigarette butts
I know it's wrong
But I can help the anger from seeping out through the bottom of my pen
I hope one day, you feel comfortable enough to love someone
Without making them bleed
I hope one day, you give up manipulation
And running red lights
I hope you realize this is the last of the last
And I hope god begins to paint pictures of me laughing with my head tilted back and the smile broadening on my face when I learn how to let people in
I hope they jump with me.
I hope it's you.

No one gives a **** about your graduation party
Or the fact that you ******* invited everyone except for me
No one ******* thinks it's cool that you talk **** about every ******* person you speak to
No one thinks you're a bad *** for leading girls on into their depths of sorrow and shame
No one ******* likes the fact that you are voicing rude comments and being a greedy selfish ****. Or that you pretend suicide is an option to receive attention from people who aren't even friends with you, but dont know what to do with the fake blood on their hands
No one ******* thinks its cool that you cheated on someone with thousands of girls at the same time and led them on to continue undoing their pants in the back of your car
No ******* thinks its cool that you potray yourself as someone you aren't and wish people you hate "happy birthday"
No one thinks you should be with that guy, because he's a whiny ***** who acts just like his ******* friends
No gives a **** that I blocked your "Meninist" ***.
No one thinks you are ******* cool for throwing a party in someone else's house.
No one gives a **** that you correct everyone's grammatical errors. IT'S A ******* MISTAKE. GET OVER IT.
No one cares that your problems contain pity little things, when there are people truly struggling.
No one ******* likes the fact that you have been cheating on the same man for years, and continue to mooch off of him
No one thinks its cool that your moods are a switch and that you backhand the mouths of your children for trying to help.
No one ******* cares that your daughter is trying to copy everyone and become an "aspiring model."
No one gives a **** that she also tries to one up everyone in her ******* path.
No one thinks you are too **** cool for getting high every night.
No one thinks its cool that you have to flirt with every single guy in your sight and then act like a hypocrite.

NO ONE ******* CARES.

I feel rage inside of my chest
Like the air is aggressively trying to escape my lungs
As if they just got into a fight with the walls again
My knuckles are strawberry red and glistening like the ghosts of our past
I am constantly reopening battle wounds that should not have even been touched since he went away.
I grow tired each and every morning by pathetic prayers of you returning or for just once someone to show up on my doorstep and not be like you
To not... Lead me through meadows and babbling brooks
Only to tell me that there are piranhas in the water
I want so badly to be held
Like how my grandmother carefully holds knitting needles as she works away
I want to be missed like forgotten swing sets miss the laughter of tiny children, who have grown too big and no longer visit
I want to stop be so ******* different from everyone else
Maybe if I start acting like everyone else
If maybe I can grow out my hair and wear the same brand on my jeans as everyone else,
Maybe I can fit it.
I keep telling myself  "you are you, and who ******* cares if people are different. Who ******* cares if people don't like you voicing your opinions. Who ******* cares about anything small and superficial. WHO ******* CARES ABOUT THAT STUPID BOY THAT PUSHED YOUR SELF ESTEEM TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SOCK DRAWER?"
I should stop reading poetry at night to people who toss the words in the trash.
I should stop reading poetry to boys who try to pretend they are into me only to **** me over.
I am so angry and this is so ******.
So goodnight.

I often think back to the times before school
Times when I was 3
When my mother would stand in the rain with my big brother
Rain boots and umbrellas keeping them dry
I remember getting scared of the thunder and I'd wake up in a panic, because she wasn't next to me.
She always came back inside,
Tossed a movie into the VCR
And stroked my hair
Promising me it was just God bowling
Celebrating the new angels he's welcomed home
She always mentioned that he was sorry for being so loud, but couldn't contain his excitement.

Now I'm almost finished with school
And it's never phased me, when I dont wake up to her
I don't wake up to her at all
She left.
And I dont think much of the thunderstorms anymore
Its just rain
And I just feel empty and anxious
Petrichor always arrives at my door step
Welcome home petrichor...
Maybe I'll throw a bowling party for you since my mother won't return...

I love you
You keep saying this to me
Expecting me to start undoing my bottoms
But that picture of you and her has been burned into my memory
You act like you two are just friends
But you are also a liar
Tell my wrists you love me
You are the guilter
Love to make others endure your pain, rather than dealing with things that are actually your fault
A table turner
Youve put yourself inside more than 20 bodies
I'm sick
I'm sick to my stomach
My tears stain my face like window pane glass catches rain
You tell her I'm crazy behind my back
That I'm JEALOUS
I want to claw your eyes out with rusty swords
I want to cut your tongue out of your mouth with a saw
To stain white carpets with your blood and not my own this time
I want to put your head on a spear and throw it down into the deep depths of the ******* ocean
I will show you ******* crazy
I want to rip your fingernails off one by one with a pair of tweezers
I want to shave your hideous eyebrows off your face
I want to cut off chunks of your hair with a swiss army knife and then bleach it
I want to gouge your eyeballs out with toothpicks and feed the remains to the piranhas
I want to pull all of the muscle out of your body and leave it for the ******* flames
Don't call me baby
I want to wax all of the legs hair off you
I want you to fall in love with someone
And then make you watch videos tapes of them cheating on you
Over and over and over
Until your eyes are a blood shot mess
Dont ask for forgiveness
You will never receive it
You are the devil reincarnated
I swear
I wouldn't be surprised if you were Satan's spawn
I hate you
I hate you like
The way my grandfather hates hypocrisy and things all against the bible
I hate you
The way my grandmother hates disorganization
I hate you
Like the way my mind hates my body
I want to wrap myself in a cocoon and never return until youre gone
My body misses sleep so much
But yet, here you sleep perfectly and j wish I could wrap my arms into your conscious and turn the switch back on
Why won't you change
I have never met anyone so disgusting
My chest physically aches when I heave for air
Because you've been sitting on my heart like a dagger
You're wounding to everyone around you
I am so sick of your voice
Hell I'm sick of my own
I just, can't figure out how one person can make you so sad.
I hate everything
But especially you.
Mostly you.