i don't know what i want any more
there's a bitter taste in my mouth
and french kisses don't even fix it
apparently i've developed a tolerance
to sweet breath and a tongue on my ****
take my hand or my waist
either way is a waste of time
i don't think i'll ever be good
i've tried to be nice
and i was misunderstood

I wonder what you think about
When you are all alone
Do you ever lose reality,
and go somewhere no one else can see?
My mind is like a pendulum
Sometimes straying, but always coming back
I feel like I'm never not thinking of you
Like my conscience loves you too
To and fro, my thoughts toss and turn
I feel restless in the dark,
And exposed in the light
My weakest parts are hidden from your sight

it's been a while
I don't feel the angst anymore
most of the time
but some days I wake up
and feel that existing is a crime

I have goals
there are places I need to get to
my future is in front of me
but it's hard to get up
I don't know how to be

I don't feel like a "real" adult
in fact, I don't feel real at all
routines play out the same
but I want it to be different
change is blocked by shame

but if I could just paint with a hand
claw the pigment beneath my nails again
it'd be creativity unplanned

but I'm tired of trying
I want effortless success,
a gift for all my endless prying

but I won't find that
because in places I've been,
there's not much to look at

Across the table, you sit
Fingers entwined with your hair
Papers askew, both elbows firmly placed
Back arched, you’re unaware
Of my eyes tracing the lines of you
More than the problems
I am supposed to be solving

Stop being so attractive
I cannot pay attention to what’s being said
I can practically see the gears
Moving inside your head
Thoughts obvious as if written
But why can’t I read them
When it’s you looking at me?

Hands dusted with graphite
Brush against my skin
I say nothing but
I cannot help but grin
Looking down, so completely studious
Need to focus, even while
I sneak peeks beneath lashes

Can I can I can I
Just press my lips against yours
For just a few seconds
Can we hide behind closed doors
From our obligations and the staring eyes
Time, just slow down
Because every hour with you is a second

I just can't keep living this way,
when all I do is cup my hands to catch the acid rain.
It's eating away my palms and charring my fingertips.
I feel the poison seeping into my veins and yet,
I raise them to my lips and drink.
The fire is in my chest now, my stomach.
I'm getting dizzy, I'm reaching for a grip, for you.
But I'm just leaving ****** fingerprints on the concrete,
and now my limbs are screaming with defeat.
My tears are chemical and my wrists are weak
and I wonder if I'll ever be clean.
If you're looking for purity,
don't look at me

deep in my mind it seems so dark
only a few venture there
existing is a delicate thing
some can hardly bare it
it is so hard to see
the air is heavy to breathe
to you, all is silent
really it is loud beneath
outside you cannot hear the connections
unknown to you are these endless sounds
blue skies are just a mutation
lies of your mind's creation
eyes report what you want to see
you get to decide
observe but leave the ***** work
ultimately, there is beauty in the weak
rage is often ugly and raw
maybe it is too late to care
internal gore is much easier to hide
not like a ****, these wounds
do you know why?

Last time I went to the doctor
I was prescribed prozac
Because my heartburn was a symptom of purging
Instead of misplaced acid
One pill to stop the thoughts from urging?
Seems like a plug to a hole
In a poorly designed boat
that could barely float in the first place
The water is the least of my problems
Honestly I’d like just one saving grace
I completely lack discipline
How could I not get addicted?
Another need to prevent going mad
Growing darker and more fragile
Like a fruit going bad

All I can see is the red beneath my eyelids
Harsh rays still shining through like it demands attention
The spot light of affection

I feel the gritty path under my bare feet
My trail of heartstrings pulled too tightly
And hopes taken too lightly

Composed of the barely contained
Shall I lock my thoughts in a cage?
Because I cannot control this rage

I wish I was a sculpture
Shaped to artist’s perfection
Maybe then I could face my reflection

I feel so tired when you leave
My heart pushes blood through my body so loudly
I'd just as soon die as sleep
But my cheeks are still flushed red
And I remember that you'd be sad if I was dead
I can't think of a time I am more alive
Than when I'm with you
Living lucidly, but still wanting more
We're so young and so ******* bored
And I can't decide who's more adored
And I almost can't bare it anymore

I’m the type of girl who will write you love poems in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep
Because every time I close my eyes I imagine yours staring back at me,
I can feel your arms wrapped around me, hand on my waist, skin to skin
Instead of the screaming below
The screaming of my parents, my brother’s cries for it to stop
The screaming of demons I hold inside but my grip sometimes slips and I cry too
So I think, instead, your voice inside my head
I hold that hand, your hand in my memory so tightly because right now I want to bite my nails
I want to bite down the cubicles and peel my skin down to the knuckles and keep in place so
I cannot scream myself when red drips down my palm, across my wrist mimicking the shapes of veins
Red. Red is blood, ribbons, hair. Flame. I think of candles and the ghost they leave behind
That trailing scent of not-so-happy birthdays and old perfumed women with a failing sense of smell
Smell is a powerful thing, almost a phantom of memories. Never in my life have I smelt sawdust and not thought of my father’s garage, his eyebrows pinched not in anger
Whenever I wear your jacket, I am constantly breathing in the scent. Never am I not reminded of your bedsheets, my fingers through your hair, quietly listening to each other breathe
I wish I could breathe that easy now, lay back straight rather than hunched over the white of a screen
This position is starting to hurt; the way I’m sitting, where I’m at, my future direction
I can't move without giving in to listen
And I can’t leave without saying goodbye

Sometimes I cannot think straight
I can only see with the curves of my eyes
It is distorted, twisted like crude glass
So much that I cannot tell truth from lies
I have learned the difference
Between what you do
And what you actually mean
Because I do that, too
These pieces do not fit together
Push too hard, they will break
Tears cannot mend
What was always fake
I hide under a mask
you think you can see through
But that is not me
It is all for you

Sometimes I get so tired of feeling like a series of chemical reactions
Like once these electric pulses flow from my brain stem
through my wires of vessels and veins to the tips of my fingers
I am a puppet to the robotics of biology
Strung by my nerves and pulled by my emotions,
I cannot control these tears
Stupidity is merely short circuiting,
and maybe I just need to recharge
I think this taste in my mouth is acid;
my teeth are batteries leaking this energy
Onto my tongue and my lips
These are the loudest parts of this machine,
But each word, each kiss is not nearly as loud
As the programming in my mind
Maybe that's why I'm just a bunch of ****** gears and twisted cables
Because all this code of love and lust
Is a combination waiting to combust
And I feel unable to contain it

Life is like paper
We are always tracing,
Arms like rulers, hands like graphite
You leave smudges on my skin
Hard lines softened by your touch
Marking places no one else has been
You make my indifferent linear mouth
curve into a smile
I didn't realize how much I wanted to see you
Until it hit me like a permanent pen
The question I had written wasn't what,
It was when
I find myself thinking of you
Trying to draw you in my mind
In this world of accuracy
It's far from perfect
Doesn't do you justice
It's like the cause but not the effect
How can your flaws be so alluring
I just love you more
As more of your picture forms
Shadows and light
Like an artist's final sweep
Nothing has felt more right

Which is worse
Red tear streaks down your cheek
Crying but you do not know why
A black pearl in an ocean of light
Curled upon yourself
No one else can see your internal fight
Or white teeth between pink lips
Eyes that wink in your direction
They are open doors
Painted like wings to fly
Stretched out, ready to soar
Doomed to die

I really tried to let my nails grow out
but I just had to bite them
Waiting is simply not a skill of mine
I will admit that patience should be desired
but I will not lie and say I am fine
I took three baths today
I tried to scrub away my sadness
but the water was quickly soiled,
my body dissolving
in a tub of the burnt and boiled  
I left a trail of wet feet on old tile
and fell into my nest of isolation
I can't be bothered to even get dressed
Because it's just another day of nothing,
and yet I am incurably stressed

On Sundays I feel a little bit hungover
Last night I was drunk with the thought of you
Laying in your bed in your arms
The warmth spreading in my chest like alcohol
Positively dizzy with lust
Having to leave is like a premature walk of shame
I stumble like I'm lost
But I am far from ashamed

I wake up feeling like I'm still dreaming
I don't even know if I was or
I'm just replaying last night in my mind
In the shower I wash away the smell of your bedsheets,
clear lines dried on my skin that you traced
In the foggy mirror the passionate bruises are clouds
Pouring this need inside of me
And I feel like I'm overflowing, already falling

It can be hard to be alone
When I leave, I feel everything and nothing
I want to open the car door and run into the night
Clutch fist fulls of ice in both hands just to feel
I shiver within your absense
Because you were just right there
And it has effects like sudden withdraw
What I would give for a higher dose

Waiting is something I can't do
I'm eager and impatient and yours
The rest of the week I am moping
Practically ill with longing
Hoping the days will go quick
I am pathetic but truthful
I can't help but feel lovesick
While the world knows no cure

I cannot contain my fear of death,
Or rather my fear of disfigurement;
My skin refuses to stay clean,
regardless of my constant cleansing.
I am marked and pocked,
a map of wounds and stains.
I am everything red
and nothing clear;
even my tears displace pure color.
I fear the loss of my special normalcy
of which I am barely confident.
My first defense is also my first impression,
and I can already feel the distaste.

It is strange to realize
that pleasures feel sharper
when you are broken
The taste of tears
is refreshing
to a dry tongue
And if you don't
believe me
touch your bruises
Feel the colors
of your sorrows
and tell me there is no beauty
In potential tomorrows

Suspended on this glass
Above the heated battle below
Not sure how long we’ll last
We lock eyes mirrored with parallel fear
We move ahead
The floor is breaking,
Our feet like lead
The deadly cracks are all we can see
There’s no escape
Nowhere to run
Our hearts twisting into a new broken shape
There is no hope to be seen
We are not skyward bound
Upward is simply impossible
Too much light, blasting sound
And we’re both just looking down

You've got a few stray freckles on your face
like specks of stardust lost in space.
If you connected those dots,
Would they spell out your most secret thoughts?
There is nothing that you need to hide,
don't lock yourself deep inside.
I know how the galaxies of your mind exhaust you,
Because I get overwhelmed, too.
But just look at the night sky,
And stop asking why;
It is so beautiful,
Just like your so-called soul

My mind is a room of scattered papers;
Crumbled up suicide notes hidden
Beneath thousands of love poems,
with ink bleeding through
from this all-compassing missing you
until I'm left with only black.
Now the floor is stained,
and my hands are stained,
and I think even my lips are tainted.

I've got this current of emotion caught in high tide
It feels like I'm floating,
Lost in the ocean of my mind
but something below is lingering
I close my eyes as not to see
But it will not leave
Tickling the bottoms of my feet reminding me
This safety is not forever
How could I forget?
Wrapping around my ankles
I do not fight, only wait
Breathing this air
Questioning my fate
As I cling to you
like the last life jacket
And pretend to be immortal

Between ******* I hold a coin
a token of unspoken desires
it doesn't matter if it's a penny turned teal
because right now the cold of the metal
is all that I can feel
You're supposed to toss it in
Throw your hopes into the water
Shut your eyes and make a wish
Trust the earth's everlasting hunger
Hold your breath, give the wind a kiss
I allow gravity to take its course
watching the sparkle through the dark depths
seeing my dreams being swallowed
submerged in lies and forgotten lives
and everyone who followed

Feeling the palm of your hand in mine is all I can ask for in order to feel calm. Sometimes I fear that I miss my life passing by as I'm trying so hard to remember everything, trying desperately to record instead of actually listening. I feel as though I live more through my memories than I do in the present, and even while they are happening I begin to feel nostalgic for the moment at hand; I know that life is the sand of an hour glass, but I still cry when the grains slip between my fingers. I want to shatter the glass of this containment, but instead I trace the curve like I would of your cheek, wishing for every yesterday to last forever. They say there are more stars in the sky than the number of grains of sand on every beach on Earth, and I know how each kiss burns like a lightyear. I can't imagine how long it would take to count these seconds, losing time with every breath

If I am to die with ink on my hands,
Please leave it be.
Do not wash even the smallest scrawled reminder,
For it is part of me.
Leave it to remind me that even in death,
There are things to do.
Leave open faced palms,
If they confess my love for you.
Know of the unexpected,
And if you see your name,
Remember why it is written.
You are not to blame.
Let my skin keep its faces
For when my own is no longer revealing,
How will you know what I thought,
How would you know what I was feeling?

"Follow your heart," they say,
drawing a map in their mind of the path
they think you should take.
I think this is bad advice;
if my heart is as lost as my mind, then I'm surely ******.
Walking in the dark is always a mistake.
Maybe I can find my own way.
But all I've got is a single match and a thousand dry trees.
If roots are thirsty mouths, then where is the voice?
The silence does not put me at ease.

Reds on a messy paint pallet
My hair, that evening dress, cherry-scented chapstick
blood gushing, with my heart that I've presented before you
Tie my arteries as though they are ribbon
Wrap them around a gift for her
So she knows it was me
It was mine, the choice was not
Those veins pumped for you
And now they are all that remains

It disturbs me but I enjoy it;
This chill down my spine.
Though that's hard to admit.
Is it your fingertips,
Or just my imagination?
The feeling traces to my hips.
I'm supposed to feel some kind of high,
instead I begin to feel sad
And I don't know why.

Each pulse is a tick
This clock of my thoughts
Never allows time to stop
I feel this heat of light
Behind my eyes
Glowing brighter
Branding me with anger
and it won't
shut
off

You make me wish I was a better artist.

I could do so much more.

Rip out the clockwork beneath my skin
Knock down this faulted exterior
Leave the gloss of my eyes to dust
Eternity will take its toll
This waiting is unjust
Shadows move across my face
And the sun makes me sick
But I can't even begin to alter how
Time has swallowed me
I am forever trapped here now
Throw the endless hour glass
Hard against the wall
Take out my gearset heart
Unwind that twisted dial
Before I fall apart

My swollen face looks ugly in your mirror
I feel like my tears water my own personal hatred garden
and you pick its flowers
Maybe you should
New dirt is better than my drowning stems
I do not believe the sun is real, any more
And if it comes back it will burn us alive

When did my body become the top manufacturer of tears?
A broken wind-up toy, taking one step at a time
I feel that thinking about the future is only a recognition of my fears
And the past is just a canyon of worn stone and salt
Waiting is becoming weightless
I'm losing my center of gravity,
My heavy atmosphere making everyone faceless
Depersately using you as a replacement
Color is becoming dull
But this does not scare me as much as you
If I lose you, I lose it all

I feel like I'm constantly unraveling my own knots;
I've got cords filing every space inside me
they wrap around each *****, squeezing as they please.
I cannot ask for them to disappear, or even to unknot.
I only wish to understand them,
or at least find a place in this maze of tangles to own sanity.
I want to stop fidgeting,
******* between the loops,
trying to find an escape through them.
It is hard to uncoil a strong grasp on reality,
especially when it is
wrong.

I am utterly fascinated by the basic miracle that is our hands
I cannot comprehend those who lose touch
When I am left riveted, electricity conducting from every nerve
from even your fingertips, the slightest brush
How do lips convey this love?
Simple motions of the soft and pink,
Leave me dizzy and light headed from lack of breath
So immersed in desire I can't properly think
I feel that if I held you tight enough,
You could feel my internal symphony
This drum in my chest and pulling of heartstrings
Never stops with you and me