it's been a while
I don't feel the angst anymore
most of the time
but some days I wake up
and feel that existing is a crime

I have goals
there are places I need to get to
my future is in front of me
but it's hard to get up
I don't know how to be

I don't feel like a "real" adult
in fact, I don't feel real at all
routines play out the same
but I want it to be different
change is blocked by shame

but if I could just paint with a hand
claw the pigment beneath my nails again
it'd be creativity unplanned

but I'm tired of trying
I want effortless success,
a gift for all my endless prying

but I won't find that
because in places I've been,
there's not much to look at

Last time I went to the doctor
I was prescribed prozac
Because my heartburn was a symptom of purging
Instead of misplaced acid
One pill to stop the thoughts from urging?
Seems like a plug to a hole
In a poorly designed boat
that could barely float in the first place
The water is the least of my problems
Honestly I’d like just one saving grace
I completely lack discipline
How could I not get addicted?
Another need to prevent going mad
Growing darker and more fragile
Like a fruit going bad

My swollen face looks ugly in your mirror
I feel like my tears water my own personal hatred garden
and you pick its flowers
Maybe you should
New dirt is better than my drowning stems
I do not believe the sun is real, any more
And if it comes back it will burn us alive

i don't know what i want any more
there's a bitter taste in my mouth
and french kisses don't even fix it
apparently i've developed a tolerance
to sweet breath and a tongue on my ****
take my hand or my waist
either way is a waste of time
i don't think i'll ever be good
i've tried to be nice
and i was misunderstood

I feel like I'm constantly unraveling my own knots;
I've got cords filing every space inside me
they wrap around each *****, squeezing as they please.
I cannot ask for them to disappear, or even to unknot.
I only wish to understand them,
or at least find a place in this maze of tangles to own sanity.
I want to stop fidgeting,
******* between the loops,
trying to find an escape through them.
It is hard to uncoil a strong grasp on reality,
especially when it is
wrong.

It is strange to realize
that pleasures feel sharper
when you are broken
The taste of tears
is refreshing
to a dry tongue
And if you don't
believe me
touch your bruises
Feel the colors
of your sorrows
and tell me there is no beauty
In potential tomorrows

I really tried to let my nails grow out
but I just had to bite them
Waiting is simply not a skill of mine
I will admit that patience should be desired
but I will not lie and say I am fine
I took three baths today
I tried to scrub away my sadness
but the water was quickly soiled,
my body dissolving
in a tub of the burnt and boiled  
I left a trail of wet feet on old tile
and fell into my nest of isolation
I can't be bothered to even get dressed
Because it's just another day of nothing,
and yet I am incurably stressed