I sometime wake and wonder
"What even is my life right now?"

There is a point after the emotion has run its course
When hope sadness regret loss and joy have all left and your stuck with the mess
When you've read the words over and under and still arent sure what to say
Should you say
Could you say anything at all
The point in the road where all options are a risk
Like the heart has been left out of the sun so long it flinches at the thought of light
Where it only took one straw a single grain of rice to tip the balance of what feels right.

I want reach out but words stick
Glueing to the throat so thick i choke
Cough and fail again
What do I say
What do I do
I've tried so hard to forget
But my eyes are not so blinded by love
Not so clouded with desperation
Fighting to hold on
Failing to show you what could be
If you had but let go
Stopped kicking and screaming dragging your nails across the walls
Of sanity
Def to the what I felt
What actions caused

But the truth
I'm not sure you want
To feel as I have felt
The zenith of my accumulation what I learned from the outside in
Would most likely do you no good
Would hurt you and hurt s me to feel again
For I am removed from it but lost to it

I let you into where others do not go
Not my mother
No not even the other
You know as suridly as I know you will read this
Know this
And burn as I have burned at the realization
You were there in the places that none could see
Saw the raw integrity of all that I am
And you ripped them
Tore it from the socket those fragile things of beauty
Sullied them like they were not worth the delicate wonder they had been
Shining a rainbow gossimer of good humanity the raw feirce nature of what love should be
Nieave as they were meant
Forgiving and piercing they had lament



They but flutter a sad representation
A jaded remorse they have become wishing to be the butterfly that it once was.

Like a flower in dew folded up from  suns warming view
The inner self lies dormant
Waiting for love to warm it
To feed the fragile flame
With all its magnificence it does grow
To feed the lonely soul
It is a ray of blinding light soft and harsh in its might
But gently not to forceful it brings
The stuborn flower preen

Two modes become one being
In the ever twilight they emerge
Rising from the stillness to breathe forth light
Dark
Objects and ruin
Neither one to seperate though at constant battle they will be
Forging the heavens and the earth
With persons in between

I cant help but wonder where you are now
Are you happy
Was it a good decision?
But I'm not weak
Enough to open that door again
Though I do stare at it
And watch cobwebs collect
Dust float and floor creak
Sometimes I walk by
And find my hand gripping at the ****
Shakings the gears in tremor
Curiously
I never do

On a pensive lake in a lonesome v a lley sat a little girl
Her tiny fingers buried in strands of silken gold
Lashed eyes sat weeping flicker the faint tint of blue
Feeling forgotten as only little girls can do
Knees bend high and laced feet at rest
How she weaped from her skirted nest
But up from hillside came a lonesome cat mewling his sorrow
Searching for his friends but found no brother no mother all is lost in the wind
But furried nose did wrinkle a little blond duck scared and wrinkled
It thought like most animals do what an ugly thing covered in so little hair
It must be lonely and in need of care
It cried amd mewled and sang its welcome song
Little duck grew startled but soon to relax
It was only kitten at last she could laugh

Back straight reaching into the sky rooted like the tree
Arms bent,  palms open on twisted knee
Stillness and quiet
Not a sound
Listening to wind sing its lonely song
How birds add sweet music to dry air
The brushing feel of blond hair
Itis here where peace is found among the acheing soul
Counting each breath untill the numbers fade
In this moment a timeless grace

Sometimes it hits me
Like one to many shots of whiskey after a late night binge the taste of tequila and regret stuck to the back of the throat like some nasty film
Vaguely reminiscent overly ripe peachs
When the world goes dark and all you can do is hope to wake to something better
The kind of sudden drag that seems to smack you so hard you drool
Like the brain can't comprehend what it's thinking, feeling, or even what ******* planet it's on anymore
Some sick lingering psychotic paranoia that can only be dreamt up from the bowels of  some deranged lunatic
The kind of thoughts that would if spoken give you one straight ticket to crazy town
Where the good ones fall into the sanctity of drugs and the wack jobs play in their bird cages tweeting insanity
Those moments when the brain goes quiet like some old tv buzzing it's electric static
Hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmm
Rhythmically ringing the fuzzing sharp inhalation
Cotten wrapping the ears, eyes at the tantamount and hands on auto
The brain checks into where the person checks out and it takes control
Those 80 mile hour thoughts where driving off the road and not stopping meets the white knuckle grip
I could do it there is no stopping the lurching slow tilting wheel
Nor is there anyone to breath me back into control
To take the knife off the steady sturdy rhythm, to stop the ****** up intermingling of sickend morbidity
It is unlike the calm and even character clicking past the blinking static
Blipping from the slack jawed intensity like some victim of PTSD
Still teeming in the aftermath like some sick puppy waiting on the ride to end
It's terrible and equally ****** up this abstracting feeling is like never waking up
Strung out on some mental drug causing the heart tripping hazard of frequency
Like falling in a dream only to realize you had never slept

When i close my eyes i see it
With each breath i feel
Tasting the bitter and the sweet
Loving the music i hear
It is boundless without shape
Yet distinct in every mutation
The in all forms it is beautiful
In every eye unique

The buzzing sting like angry ants
Walking a rythmic tenor across my skin
Lines upon lines dancing the patterned waltz
Blushing the brilliance of color
Living artwork breathing
Moving
Always on display
A beauty I'll take to the grave.

In  the lingering void that is this expressionless existence
I walk pounding down the sharpness that is the stinging lash of memory
Filled with bitter intensity of
Regret. remorse other tantamount fears
Shouting in the stillness
Who am I now?
Where do I begin to change?
What do I do now?
Can I let go?
Echoing the madness of self doubt
Boiling to surface and rim the confines of thought
Trickling abundantly the inner corrosion  
Ahead in the  silent drifting twilight there stood a shadowed figure translucent an after thought within my being
A remnant to something that was once strong
Faded but not lost
Like a fine layer of dust guilt finally lifts its sticky clingy tendrils
Away from the constricting  spasmic leeching it once held to my soul
And I step freely from this endless circular prison
Into myself I become once more

"Love don't live here anymore", she said twisting one silver ring. The echo of its body presented on the left ring finger the white line indented in flesh. "He left the lights on though. Smiling his tight lipped grin and tilted his hat. Like a man just visiting for the weekend. Some old time gentleman having done his work, the gratuitous clicking of fine shoes on tiled floors." Flicking her curled hair away from the base of her neck smiling a little herself a small sarcastic smile. "Something my grandmother would have witnessed. Pictured in muted color reeling like the screen of some washed out film. Black dots appearing on the back of his white suit pants as he pulled open the door the sway of his shouldered jacket swishing rhythmic in walk." " You should have seen it" she said "suave and dashing the clean dramatic expression and cool collected response." Chuckling to herself she looked at me her blue eyes angered and raw. "Its a pity that love doesn't leave that way. Clicking blue sway shoes grinning Cheshire smiles." Huffing she wrapped her arms around gathered knees, "Yeah, love don't live here anymore and he didn't leave in style."

I want to be a little girl forever
For surely I would never have to grow old
Never have to face ridicule in silence
I could pull hair and shout mean words
"Well your ugly, and don't smell nice either!"
Or, "I didn't want to play anyway your a cheater"
I could whine and everyone would find me adorable
I could cry without guilt
and Love without heartbreak
Because to a little girl every man could be a hero

I could paint my nails nine colors,
And ask for cookies at breakfast
Wear my pajamas to school
and leave bread crumbs on T-shirts

Being a little girl would be lovely
Getting carried from place to place
Falling asleep wherever I pleased

No more hiding
No more endless rules
For we all know to a little girl rules are for fools
I would be rotten and I could be spoiled
But come morning no one could love me more.

While selfish and at sometimes cruel
Little girls are sweet at heart and genuine too!
I could indulge my habits and play pretend
Instead of go to work and have people that depend
On my steady hands or achey feet

No more bills!
No more lies!
I could build sand castles and pretend to fly
There would be space adventures and tons of books to read!
Yes to be a little girl again would be rather neat.

Is this real life?
Or is it just fantasy?
Caught in a web of delusion
No escape from reality
Where I open my eyes and all I see
Is the endless movement of shuffling feet
Struggling to keep my head above the debt of necessity
Blinking away seconds in a haze
I look at the world
And Question
Is there something better waiting out there for me.
Or is this all there really is

Early morning light bleeds red into closed eyes
Waking abruptly reaching tired hands across cold sheets
Finding nothing
But the stuffed sides of teddied fur
No warmth
Or early laughter
No I love yous between kisses
The creaking of stiff limbs locked tight around shoulders
Hips and chest
The urgency of sweat and sweetness of passion
Echoing lonely thoughts
I welcome sleep again
Hoping to find you

They call me crazy and call me blind
For letting you wash back over me
When you have been one person for so long
Its hard to realize what life is like without them
And without you I was more miserable than I had ever been

Dumped like heaping garbage
Stinking up the beauty of the everyday
My love rotted
and with it so did my mind.

Instead of floating I sank
Degraded so far into myself that I discovered the depth of your infection
And how unhealthy it was
How much of the self I valued was fed into maintaining everything

And just when I begun to **** out the invasion
There you stood
On shaking knees on the rim of my secret garden
This ravaged heart in bloom
I dropped my trowel
Skirted the chasm of wilted wonder
And looked at you for all that you were
Those brown eyes screamed and strong arms shook
With that one look I knew you understood

I have learned that I cannot make you the center of my gravity
Like a balloon tethered fragile to the whim of reality
I can no long depend on you for my vitality

But nor can I pull the creaking fingers of desperation from the pleated
Wrinkled splendor that was once white
I had tried and the trying nearly broke me
Wrecked me more assuredly than
If you would have come clean

I had painted you beautiful more beautiful than what my eyes could read
In the end you left me
The murmuring deceitful voices of change where right.
Withdrawn as you were and as wonderful as she sounded
I should have known
But I thought you better than that
Love was the shield I hid behind

But even it could not protected me
From the sound of you succumbing to the charms of another
Falling into the web of pity
and taking that lonely sickness
And letting it infect your judgment.

Cracking thunder fills shallow walls
Rattling the windows
Echoing in the din
Rain slapping mirrors
Reflecting my mindset

This rain cloud having followed me
From school, to bed, etc..
Always clamoring
Shouting out
Echoing the screaming helplessness
Stretching and swelling
Between ears
Popping the fragile control

Collapsing
Cut strings
Knees hinging
Falter mid-step

Sorrow having swallowed
Whats left.

Guilty calls
Won't make the pain go away
Checking up on me
How you put it
Isn't going to make me feel
Any better

You make it worse
Showing kindness
Is really pain
Hearing
What I can't have

Listening at how undisturbed you
Really are

Maybe it will be good for us
Some time away
Take two
Into one

"I love you"
Then why are you leaving?

"It's not you.."
It's must be, looks like the problem told you it was

"I don't want to break your heart."
It was your purpose from the start.

I might leave
I tell her crossing my arms beneath my breast
Listening to the rain speak
Washing away the yellow layer of pollen and dust
Agitating the old window panes
Scrubbing the sore throbbing anatomy of nature
Some relief from the spring season

It would be my right
I murmur hearing the quiet ****** my words into hushed darkness
By leave
I mean stay
Still wishing for what was
What is now a memory
Flickering black thumps against my feet
Sounding like footsteps rhythmic
More eyes blink in the dim light
Feeling the rubbing touch of whiskers
On nape of neck

leave
From ultimately him
She nods flicking one black silk ear
Turning green eyes to the swaying
Leaf fingers
Tapping glass

I mean it, this time I'll show him.
Lazy paws reach out
Stretching tiny feet and jingling bell tones
Chime in the silence

What it is like to loose me
Curling feet meet cold blanket edge
Where knees press so deep into breast
That hands release, wrapping closer
Tighter
Tucking socked toes next to warm
Breathing fur

You don't believe me, do you?*
Green eyes meet blue and the mewling assertion
Fills the air with conviction
She didn't believe me
She knew too well

This blonde deceiver
Lied to often
Mostly to herself

My eyes are like dried fruit left to rot
Burning, and itching
From emotional cast off
Plugged to the nose with emotional recess
Head hammering the strangeness felt
At least in sleep I can escape this **** up mess

Sometimes when I think
I feel like I can touch the world
Understand the flux of energy
The musing of the smallest flies
And stand in the quiet agelessness
Of forest green
Like some passenger song hopefully forlorn
Swinging the beetle rhyme back  and forth to understand truly what they meant to express

But other days
My idealism and enduring belief
Falters
Like equations in the sky I can no longer read
Symbols popping into existence
Meant only to discombobulate
Towards the doubt
Of my own self
Retching the violent swaying
Of the ground beneath my feet

Sometimes I feel lost
Wandering out to sea

For something so independent
It's amazing how fast it caves
Craves and clings
To something
That seems so real
But just like anything else
It too can be broken

Like a child holding on to something
So hard it threatens to break
White knuckles braced
Glorifying in its embrace
Protecting
Coddling
Hoping to keep new
Investing so completely
There is no I without you

Your words screech like chalk board
Where criticism falls from your mouth
Loosing my feet ,buckled ankles, crawling like a wounded animal
After you
Trying to be strong when I am weak
Your hands are supposed to catch me
Comfort, it was all I ever ask of you
But  you turn your cheek to nothing but your own centered pain

As I lay holding the tremors of my insides
Bleeding ears bearing the tulmut in waves
Choking on my own misery
Self loathing and feeling worse for haven sought

Even in this I think
Of nothing
But the comfort of your arms
While you hurt me
Abuse my heart
I dream of being held
Turn towards your apathy
Like a moth to the beauty of a flame
Hoping to find something warm
Other than
Your blatant need to neglect my love

A *******
I become
Loving like a child
Eros
With blotted wings loosing everything for love

Touched by the sound of your sadness
I want nothing more but to comfort
But the static of phoned wire cannot satisfy
Making your lonely
A sickness I can not cure
Expressing my love is the limit to my aid
And hope it is enough
To dry your eyes.

There is no love here
    Where desperation meets necessity
Falling with the hope that nothing catches
   Waiting to give up

Ripping paper tongued folded edges
Existing on the fringed heavily warped
Paranoia that has become my sanity
Where reality bleeds into itself like some ink spilt
On white walls leaking through cracks until there is nothing
Nothing but the sticky remnants of happy memories
Joyful music and the haunting echo of laughter

Staring back out the blank blind stare Friction
Static murmuring the fuzzy radio dial
Tuner sliding back and forth trying to connect the circuit but there is no wave length
Just the voided buzzing
The blipping of the lights behind the frame

Even your hands
Whom like a magnet seems to find the right channel
Some way to draw the breath back into the swinging classics
You bring the music back
But even you
My capitol Y
Could make the streaming black dotted fuz fade
Or the welling bend of hopeless panic
That locked inside my own hell recede

Calloused fingers in cascading waves of blonde
The touch of breath on stunted ear
Charlie Brown comfort croaking in shushed tones
Cut off
Equipment glitch like a seizure of the mind hemoraging the swelling force of tensed hands and screaming speech

Wishing to escape the madness
If I could, pray for peace

Dancing shadows played chase around the wooded pier
Flickering flamed tongues captured the cold
Swallowing in big burning gulps
Until they drew swords and called draw
Leaving a line of chilling wind at my back

Where early dew clung to the back of my faded denim shorts in the late summer night
Crowded as close as I could get to you
Without being seen as some child
Lost in the company of your friends

I had not told you
That had never done this before
Met my lovers closet
The bits of weirdness that every one has
What we call our closest friends

I had never meant much to anyone for them to share me
Really see who I was
And find that pleasing

You laughed paying me no mind
Pointing fingers into the crimson light watching the copper wire
Spout blue and purple hues

In some low income trailer park were the sounds of dogs and crickets met the ear
Watching some shady deal happen behind the next house over

I found it there for the first time
In such a long time
That I couldn't remember the feel of the emotion anymore.
Acceptance

That night when we parted I was no longer alone

Water falls the cascading rythm shadowing the back of my thought
As I watch the school tide flow
The lonely fountain bench becomes my muse
Where I exist outside of time
Staring into the listless movement of tree leaves
Stuck once more to the own cadence of thought
Echoing in the silent recess that has become my mood

While I cannot turn my eyes away
I am not really seeing
Not  feeling
Abstracting from reality
Pulling back away from the conscious buzzing back and forth between necessity
and possibility.
In my delirium I focus unexpectedly  
On one thing
The only thing sticking its green leaved beauty against the harsh brick facing
Tickling the crevices with its agelessness

A solid magnolia tree
Reaching for blooming glory
As if plucked out of some Georgian Southern tale
Ripe with the splendor of health
It seemed so out of place next to the young tree bushes that surrounded it
A solid reminder of lasting strength
I wondered

That should my roots become so in love with the ground they could not falter
Could I mimic this sleepy giant, whose solid trunk is gnarled with the abuse of centuries.
If I could let the wind of time and horror of burning pain pass me by?
Could I so love the sun that I reach with wide open arms to celebrate the dawning of a new day?
More over could I laugh at children as they attempt to climb my limbs, or read over the shoulder of some student who finds shade beneath my leaves.

Metaphor after metaphor meet my poets mind
I wonder about love and I wonder about time
I worry about school and take a deep breath
Deciding at once that there was nothing left
Nothing to worry nothing to cry
My emotions had run its course all in due time

And as I set waiting and thinking away I realized it was past noon
I had thought away the day
But all this time spent in my own head
I came to realize what the tree had truly said

Stop worrying
Stop thinking
And making yourself sick
Come what may
The only important thing is to persist.
Make living your goal, no fretting over something old.

My voice has receded
Dried up like some long forgotten fruit
Stinging in the ****
Tasteless monogamy
That is the day to day grind
       Plucking the plump paradox of petulant perturbed thoughtless beings
       From my conscious where they lie to the face of my muse
       Confuse me for someone whom cares about the humdrum
While I stray chasing rabbits playing hostess to a tea time of my own madness
Loosing the clock while fishing the fragrant mobs of ill minded twits
Whom twiddle their thumbs for enjoyment
Casting wide to find meaning, beneath the shallow face

No in my confusion
In my madness
I introvertly extrovert
Venting my frustrations behind the mask of my smile
Curling on the edges like some shark snagged toothed
Grinning that grin
That sets the tight line between insanity, and genuine
Where the fickle flock, preening their peacock feathers for attention
Infested with the vagrant lice of lesser men, itching to beat the weak with their superiority.

I watch the flicking flea ridden disease that is their affliction
Smiling that cheshire smile
Knowing that it is their own sickness
That will eat them from inside.

The muggy smog of early day
Greeted with its hazy lulling quiet
Making the tumult that was my thought flat line
Where this soft spoken neighborhood
Throw back housing and lazy barking furred tenants leveled back down from the clouded canopy where I float
Like a child on my back in still water
The ungelating  of the cosmos distracts me from reality
The ebbing harmony of self to world relation made a meditation blooming with the emptying of my own being
Where I stare bold eyes in reverent to stars

Looking at the heavens as if they held my heart
Had the power to both make me
And help define the limits of my being where I could not

Touch the place inside myself that I hide
From him, from her
The people I love most know not the secret self
That child whom worries and frets
Panics in its shell,
Stays like the placid lake
Unmoved stillness that meditative calm
Shaking the bars of my being until
The stillness turns rippling
Quaking the waving terror
Down the the drowning heart beneath the sea of calm
Choking on the need to stay silent

To regain composer and not be brought to the shore of reality
Where my being washed ashore
That secret self was laid bare
It's skin still raw from the air, salted with the shame of lost control

I become desperate to swim
To float
Get the grit and sand from beneath my toes
The nakedness unbearable
I cover myself with leaves
And turn away from the sun
Turn away from his light his warmth
It feels wrong to be so ****
He can see my body and I can claim apathy or moreover love
But to bare my soul
My secret self
Is a nakedness I cannot help but protest.

It's been quiet
The faucet dripping the echoing stillness
Of adverse mindset
Consumed by the withering sleeplessness that ails the student dragging dead feet strung out on dead wisdom
That is no longer implemented, applicable and moreover looked at as a crutch for those whom social status is less than hip
The area of mind confiscated by academics swells
Thudding the pulse drum rhythm of obsessive regurgitation
Were Kant spews forth followed by hinduistic dharma
Up chucking language theory
So is my disease so is my study

Where upon waking all I dream is to sleep
To get some **** rest away from all of the conflict messing processed dogma
But addictions have a way with coming back
And I'm all to experienced
A longtime loner
Swisher of ailments in the whiskey tumbler of existence
Fermenting on the brewing affliction that is life

I did a fine job this time
Mucking up my own thoughts spiraling me down
To the pitfalls of logic
Where I loose the poet
And attach the analytic mind straight to the brain
Forego the heart
Snip it like some bothersome string attached to my favorite shirt
But here is where I wake
And realize that though logic and rhetoric help the structure of the self
The spirit is starving behind those cold bars
Scared to come out lest it be cut once more
Violated like a child
Helpless to the mindless bumbling oafish screams of listless beings
Whom's only goal is to crush it
Maim it to something other that what it is
Taper it's wings
And stunt the flexing whiles of its witless abandon
Oh how it shone
That beautiful fluctuating penumbra of brilliance
That taps into the ether and brings forth light and wonder
Abandoning my skepticism at least for now I bathe in the glory of freedom I have unbound

It's another day
But the humming humdrum buzzing in the back of my mind continues and I feel that frequency once more
That bubbling back water tune of my thoughts
Cranking out the Beatles, Bob Marley and that smooth electric Queen ride
While the passing bodies emit the chaos of collective electric sounds vibrating too fast and burning themselves out too quickly
But who am I to tell them to change the station

Click back to something comforting like a Train wreck into those lyrics that make you mellow and keep the heart both heavy and light
Where "she wears high heels when she exercises"
Meets "Imagine all the people.."

Instead of "throwing glitter on the floor" and dressing like a *****
The integrity of a person can be spelled by the inclination of their music choice at least in some part
Where the air headed meets the raging ostentatious celebrity
And the more level seeks words that have space in the general meaning of what it is to be human
Singing beauty up into the thoughts of man

Feeling the frequency of my own mind
And rubbing the fuzzy static of less developed
I am humbled by my selective out cast once more
And find that the understanding of my person
Is not meant to happen here
As much as I would wish them to see listen more closely if not to music
Then themselves

Feeling has become the antithesis to my being
The tumbling thinking ridge of my sanity seems mute
When words stick in dry throat
And your jabbing lance of perverse reason
Stings worse than lemon juice in the freshly
Singed skin
Still pulsating with the abuse of forked tongue

I have become the offering to the supremacy
That is your wit
Oh how your horns shine bright and the malice of your ego
Glints like slimy limestone
In the cave in which you stash your better half
The one not spoiled by the sheltered mentality
Of which you claim to have no association

How can you presume to tell I whom in your best interest did such minor affront to your person
That I am wrong
For gods sake I bought ginger ale instead of soda
You act as though I have poisoned your dog and slapped your mother
Looking for something small to defuse and use as a weapon
**** that!

If my countenance is so appalling that you cannot see what innocent slight you believe me to have done
Was done in favor of you
Wanting to promote the bettering of your being
Because I care
Not that I think you a child or incapable of doing things yourself
But ****** it's my money if I want to buy turkey bacon instead of pig
Ill ******* do it!
It's still bacon but without the **** that is processed into it!

Moreover should you ever analyze  you're own disgrace
I want you to see what you blew up in my face
While I provide and make sure you have
All the pretty little commodities you wouldn't have
Your spoiled nature and childish wines
Just affirm to me how
Secular you are inside
That you cannot see the view point of others and skew love with control

Blips of color greet the green leave wonder of evergreen bushes
The fluttering finally subsides and winged whispers hush
Leaving the night void of movement

The stars were brighter outside than normal
Sitting out freezing frozen numbed tips of blue
Curled tightly in jacket edge
Where I sat
In the stillness of evening
Watching the world wind down
Except the wind
Whose words went unanswered
Pleading the sane to find heated doors
And cozy bed clothes

But I never claimed sanity anyway
Who wanted that dull bias label anyway
Moreover who could claim normality in a world of individuals
It was peaceful here briskly captivated by moonlight
But I could not keep composure
The flat line balm ripped itself once more into frenzy

For you popped right back into my mind
As if you only left to grab a bite
Instead of locking yourself out in this cold night
You had to wander back inside
And muck up all the barriers and reassurances I had made myself
Leveling the levy
I had built so I would not drown in sorrow any longer

You with a capitol Y
The one thing that could both leave me in bliss and shatter the fabric of my being
Burn it so the pattern is left thread bare
The edges frayed
Gummed up like some ancient machinery left in the elements of your wrath
Or worse
Your apathy

My solace ruined
I regrettably turn in
Creaking rusted legs
And pluck the melancholy dew drops
Of love  from the heavy air

Can we just close our eyes
And pretend
A dream of time gone by
When your breath fell against
Pillows frothing with waved curl
Shining like copper in early morning

Skin chilled
The goose flesh of warm hands making waking a sensation
Tucking closer to the warmth
That spread with the expanse of your arms
Can we not breathe and forget that I am holding your voice to my ear
Instead of having it tingle
The heated murmurs of tone

Not the garbled digitized timber
Where us was more than
Me telling him that you are there
That the next guy I tell will believe me
If he hears about you one more time
Sees your picture and doesn't think me a loon
For having a spouse that is not there
You are not make believe

That I will wake up not wanting for your touch
The gift of your laughter
And how somedays you are the only one to make me smile
Can we pretend just for a little while

There was something special about this space
Like the walls spoke a language
The eves telling little secrets of comfort
Making this empty space feel more like home
Than that cramped apartment

Backyard wonderland like a child
I felt like butterflies and fairies could
Jump and flitter between leaves
Or goblins hobbling
To dance magic dance
The winking of mismatched eyes
Charming me out to play

Or possibly it was the dusty smell of closets
The socks stealing gnomes
Creeping around plain sight
Stashing keys and pony tails

Something made my weirdness welcome
My childish heart
Bloomed brilliantly
As if this space had waited
Stuck on some barrier between reality
To take me back
And make this old soul
New

Where do I go from here
Here being the limbos of choice
The frontal antagonism of option
Where each road looks similar spelling out the death of my heart
Stunting my passions and printing a mundane existence
Where I am burdened by a debt of responsibility
Bare scrapping change up off the pavement

Not filling willing minds with enlightenment joy and inner peace as I wish to be
My dreams as grand as the shining gold pillars of some ancient city
And wit as sharp as the Chinese whom discovered atomic theory much earlier than western thought had hoped

Where do I go from here
Do I take up refuge in some major that over times takes my mind into the spinning spiral of numbers
Crunching them down to bite sized bits so I don't choke on their rational?
How do i know  what is right
When I've found it and it has been deemed unworthy

How do I deny the self?

I should tell time by the words spoken
That way when death came knocking at least we would have conversation
Choose scheme carefully for it could mean one um to close to middle age
Two  I loves you's from adulthood

Words would mean more than the method to maim
Slander the budding of free thinking mind
Or take light from a flicking candle
If time could be stunted by vocal notions
Glodal pops and humming lyrics
Then lovers would never die
And poets would fade into
The everyday mayhap the fickle trickle back into the ether

The quiet would be lovely
Emoting the stillness of nature birdsong would fill the silence as it was meant to
And the air would not be littered with the dank smell of spit and betrayal

You could ask me the weather by motion
Dance me into existence with the way your eyes spark and the grace of your smile
Such language would be peaceful
Dreaming a dream
So calming I might not
Wake
For there was nothing to curse me from it

The muted manner of being
May transcend the busy buzzing of the rat track motion
Squeeking out their horror and joy
Such silence
Such relief
If words could tell time
Forever in bliss I would be

Covered feet on black clicking the time of walking stride
The fume of frozen gas sticking to my throat
The late winter leaves having stuck to guttered sidelines
Their huddled swaddled backs burdened with the soft shell of academia
I missed this place
As much as it is a sign of failure it also holds triumph

Where I found my mind when I thought the world
Was defined by a god long dead
That I was lost in a sea of faces
Who prayed, believed and spread faith
Like a soothing blanket
Their thoughts where not troubled
They didn't not question
They had hope
As false as I believed it to be

Even now as I watch them
Flocking to bus stop shelter
How they hold a happiness beneath their chilled skin
Glowing with some assurance I feel I'll never have
But I'm pushing for that feeling
That  place to belong
Somewhere between down to earth and too consumed with my study
But not quite there enough to fall into that group
That speaks academics but knows when to let go

But I can't let go
When it is a matter to the existence of even having a soul
Why do others not feel this need to know what constitutes their own being
Why do I scream out silently to persons whom I had not hoped to know
For we all know that faces on the web are less real than those we see
Everyday
Every moment waiting for that moment they would reach out and cure the ache of loss

They slow the footfall pavement
When passing the stop
Hearing the lively chatter
The silly matters that don't haunt an old soul not looking trouble
As if their frequency vibrates on a different level
Fm to my Am
Where the genuine character of my self turns back on itself
And I become the shy
Confused not knowing how to approach them
So instead of humiliate I walk by
Singing my oldies and rhyming my rhyme

If this should end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Go up in smoke
Glorifying all that we were
The good the bad
And the terrifying
Because if I should burn
So should you

If I shall melt from the heat
Then so should you
For we are connected by more than this
Than this pain of souls shedding
To the core of what renders them

With heat you remade me from what I was to what I am
This self has climbed out of the ruin
The ashes of what was and has never shined
As brightly as it has under your hands
Under your warmth the butterfly transcends
Into excellence
Where her wings have never reached as far
And her heart  never bled as readily

I see fire
Glowing up from within
Ticking with the limitations of time
Where it is fed dreams
Hopes
And lies
In order to keep lit
Instead of burning bright only to fade
From the lack of air

If I am to catch fire
We should all burn
For without you
I will descend once more to the ember
Not to burst with brilliance anymore

******
Why couldn't this come earlier this
Hustle and bustle
The need to compartmentalize my existence
Only to find new ground and plant roots
It's not that I didn't want to move
It's the packing
The lacking
And the living out of boxes
That **** me off
If I could find ground worth staying rooted in that would be nice

Waking is like that final breath before the plunge
Down deeper into the thick of possibility
Where I find the Nietzchian mastery
That mentality that dominates and conquers
Leaving behind the pitiful
Weaker modes of being
That sharp edge of nihilism that propagates
The negation of substantial purpose
And living becomes a series of tasks that are manageable
Not the overbearing jumbled cluster **** of modern man

How I dream of Walden
That escape to find existential meaning
That reverts me back to an independent self that relies on not man but nature
To derive sustenance
Long for that shack
In the middle of no where where the worry of the day is to feed myself
And to stare at the stars
Instead of work long hours and still have no freedom to see

But it is not probable that I will have an escape
For the planet is dying one tree at a time
And the ignorance of our species is making
My exodus a place worse than the suburb
At least there I don't witness the choking of innocent creatures on pollution
Gasping for air through lungs riddled with fume
And foaming on plastic by product

While I contribute no animosity towards my mother I participate by association
And feed the monster it's favorite treat
That sickly green paper
And a snack of penny meat

While my exceedingly more mechanical mind cranks the cogs tighter
And starts to rhyme
Filling in the line space and paying my dues I become another body
Thus a weapon to the corporate  move

If I could hate you
     I would
But the ring on my finger says other wise
If I could loathe you
    I would
But breaking of my heart tells me I would be lying
The stolen moments where I live like a crook
Cracked out on the presence of you
If I could keep you
    I would
Lock you away where my heart could no longer weep
As it watched you drive off to live a life that is not mine
If I could follow
    I would
Dragging nothing but a trail of broken dreams
And shattered mind
As though I am not already consumed by you
As though I was human
In a world were humanity doesn't exist
If I could just hold you
    I would
Shut out the rest of the world and shove this desperation outside with the rest of the trash
If I could stop loving you
    I wouldn't
Because despite this you are the better part
And you are all I've got.

They say it's the distance that kills the flame
Puff sizzle and pop
The dying ember of love screaming its last breath
To the stars
The moon

Heavens ears are muted
These wailing screeching tryst
Happen daily
Yearly
The product of love that laid to close
Curdling like sour milk in the jealous heart
Burning like rancid acid
Chinese water torture to the brain
Maddening mundanity to fill the void of meaning
Like monkeys their minds seek to dull it's own screams
Love left rotting

Stinking in the distance that dragged it further spreading the filth
But the distance isn't the deceiver at least one can see the evidence of betrayal
Before it sneaks behind
And stabs them with their own thoughts
Confuse them with their own feelings
And drag them under to feast on their own flesh

No distance doesn't ******
It is the heart that deceives
It is the heart that renders false reality
Blinds the eyes to its own pain
And tricks the tongue to speak
Where it has no place

It is the heart that is its own martyr
The godly victim
Whom's motive is selfish
To **** what wounds it
But it's justice is the death of itself

And these sheets held love
Whispered  melting
Scalding devotions
Held the iron hot to brand itself the dutiful
But in obligation left once more
Leaving blood fresh
The heart murdered once more

I have lost it
That wonder that seasons bring
The merriment of Santa hats and childish elven ears
Jack knifing into the harder edge of happy
Where humor lies in irony
And frosts numb the grinching bitter pill that is my
Reality

The sleigh bells ringing
The Christmas story pinching pennies
Across the retail maw that is a nation
I tend to feel like that man haunted by the ghosts of Christmas past
Where I felt cherished as a child does when they know they are loved
Not used like meat flesh to thwart the hungry mob of customers
Whom think me less human
For working a dead job

But even I whom spits in the face of too sweet liars
Could not help but smile
When bright eyed children
Gaze in awe
That fat red man and silver beard
This old gaffer could not help but cheer
When little girls get earrings for the first time
And boys conquer driveways with plastic tires

And even more
For I know that despite my humbug
And all my ******* jeers
He will open that door
And I like a child will stare in awe
When my love comes home for Christmas
The one thing I have wanted
Maybe I had been good after all!