I have questions
About so many things
Little things,
Big ones,
The ones no one else seems to see
But mostly I have questions about me
Why I say
Why I do
What I think
How did I get to point p to z..

Sometimes I can barely follow my own thoughts
They stray like squirrels on fire
Screaming down the back of my brain
Till I lose concentration on one or the other
The fire rages...
Perhaps I should put the squirrels in cages?

Sort them by size or by color...
Give them hats or a vest
Festive and cute
How they preen..
Wait why is that one green

Why is it that I am not content
I can not fit into any mold I make
No matter what form of job I take
I can't be settled
Stagnant
Poised in a place for long times
Always dreaming of something else
Seeking something new
Going from one job to the next
Looking for a black sheep in the midst of white
Why can't I find something that I like...

Can you explain to me why this soliloquy keeps echoing in my brain
The inner monologue that sets diatoms of infectious thoughts inside my head
Where they grow expand and reprimand all my decision's and bits in-between
Not to do this
Why to do that
And who would care anyway
I wish it be as empty as canister of air
Full but not
Forgotten would be all my faults
And this inner referee silenced
The murmuring of all that could be Sshushed and stilled
A dreamless quiet would be ideal.

If it doesn't grab me
Then I can not commit
If it doesn't obsess me
Take me hostage in a consuming Stockholm breathless gasp
Then I can not posses it
Make it my own
Intergrate it like some sick horder grasping at straws
Hoping to breath under the weight of her convictions
As if born again
Anew and anew under some binded faith
That this new me this better upgraded me will be worthy
More adapted
No suited
To be loved in a world that is increasingly lonely.

I can feel it tremble
Thrumming on fragile wings
A gossamer of fickle flicking fledgling thoughts
Struggling to gather into words and articulate the notion
That fleeting flagrant fondness of emotion
That touches the inside in such a way that there are moments of bare bonding breaths between two complete strangers
Tapering into a singular human experience
For a nano second of time where you and I and the world connect

Lately I feel on that upward grind.
Where peace and happiness merge into one conglomerate mass of experience.
Not floating in the chaos of uncertainty
Choking on gasp of anxiety that hammers the heart in an uneven staccato
Tap tap tapping against the ribs like some frightened mouse
Running ever further from it all
I seem to have settled
Thriving underneath the yoke of dual work
My inner and outer self aligned
Jesus it's about time!

Words die like flies
Flinging from my tongue
Cascading down the back of my brain like melting ice cream on a day too **** hot for inhabitation
Trickling in sodden pools of anger
So deep I can not see the bottom
Where my anger festers like a wound infected by the filth that is you
You who takes this innocent and neglects it like three day old trash left to rot on the side walk
You make me sick