I cant help but wonder where you are now
Are you happy
Was it a good decision?
But I'm not weak
Enough to open that door again
Though I do stare at it
And watch cobwebs collect
Dust float and floor creak
Sometimes I walk by
And find my hand gripping at the ****
Shakings the gears in tremor
Curiously
I never do

On a pensive lake in a lonesome v a lley sat a little girl
Her tiny fingers buried in strands of silken gold
Lashed eyes sat weeping flicker the faint tint of blue
Feeling forgotten as only little girls can do
Knees bend high and laced feet at rest
How she weaped from her skirted nest
But up from hillside came a lonesome cat mewling his sorrow
Searching for his friends but found no brother no mother all is lost in the wind
But furried nose did wrinkle a little blond duck scared and wrinkled
It thought like most animals do what an ugly thing covered in so little hair
It must be lonely and in need of care
It cried amd mewled and sang its welcome song
Little duck grew startled but soon to relax
It was only kitten at last she could laugh

Back straight reaching into the sky rooted like the tree
Arms bent,  palms open on twisted knee
Stillness and quiet
Not a sound
Listening to wind sing its lonely song
How birds add sweet music to dry air
The brushing feel of blond hair
Itis here where peace is found among the acheing soul
Counting each breath untill the numbers fade
In this moment a timeless grace

Sometimes it hits me
Like one to many shots of whiskey after a late night binge the taste of tequila and regret stuck to the back of the throat like some nasty film
Vaguely reminiscent overly ripe peachs
When the world goes dark and all you can do is hope to wake to something better
The kind of sudden drag that seems to smack you so hard you drool
Like the brain can't comprehend what it's thinking, feeling, or even what ******* planet it's on anymore
Some sick lingering psychotic paranoia that can only be dreamt up from the bowels of  some deranged lunatic
The kind of thoughts that would if spoken give you one straight ticket to crazy town
Where the good ones fall into the sanctity of drugs and the wack jobs play in their bird cages tweeting insanity
Those moments when the brain goes quiet like some old tv buzzing it's electric static
Hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmm
Rhythmically ringing the fuzzing sharp inhalation
Cotten wrapping the ears, eyes at the tantamount and hands on auto
The brain checks into where the person checks out and it takes control
Those 80 mile hour thoughts where driving off the road and not stopping meets the white knuckle grip
I could do it there is no stopping the lurching slow tilting wheel
Nor is there anyone to breath me back into control
To take the knife off the steady sturdy rhythm, to stop the ****** up intermingling of sickend morbidity
It is unlike the calm and even character clicking past the blinking static
Blipping from the slack jawed intensity like some victim of PTSD
Still teeming in the aftermath like some sick puppy waiting on the ride to end
It's terrible and equally ****** up this abstracting feeling is like never waking up
Strung out on some mental drug causing the heart tripping hazard of frequency
Like falling in a dream only to realize you had never slept

When i close my eyes i see it
With each breath i feel
Tasting the bitter and the sweet
Loving the music i hear
It is boundless without shape
Yet distinct in every mutation
The in all forms it is beautiful
In every eye unique

The buzzing sting like angry ants
Walking a rythmic tenor across my skin
Lines upon lines dancing the patterned waltz
Blushing the brilliance of color
Living artwork breathing
Moving
Always on display
A beauty I'll take to the grave.

In  the lingering void that is this expressionless existence
I walk pounding down the sharpness that is the stinging lash of memory
Filled with bitter intensity of
Regret. remorse other tantamount fears
Shouting in the stillness
Who am I now?
Where do I begin to change?
What do I do now?
Can I let go?
Echoing the madness of self doubt
Boiling to surface and rim the confines of thought
Trickling abundantly the inner corrosion  
Ahead in the  silent drifting twilight there stood a shadowed figure translucent an after thought within my being
A remnant to something that was once strong
Faded but not lost
Like a fine layer of dust guilt finally lifts its sticky clingy tendrils
Away from the constricting  spasmic leeching it once held to my soul
And I step freely from this endless circular prison
Into myself I become once more