Sometimes it hits me
Like one to many shots of whiskey after a late night binge the taste of tequila and regret stuck to the back of the throat like some nasty film
Vaguely reminiscent overly ripe peachs
When the world goes dark and all you can do is hope to wake to something better
The kind of sudden drag that seems to smack you so hard you drool
Like the brain can't comprehend what it's thinking, feeling, or even what ******* planet it's on anymore
Some sick lingering psychotic paranoia that can only be dreamt up from the bowels of  some deranged lunatic
The kind of thoughts that would if spoken give you one straight ticket to crazy town
Where the good ones fall into the sanctity of drugs and the wack jobs play in their bird cages tweeting insanity
Those moments when the brain goes quiet like some old tv buzzing it's electric static
Hmmmm hmmmm hmmmmmmm
Rhythmically ringing the fuzzing sharp inhalation
Cotten wrapping the ears, eyes at the tantamount and hands on auto
The brain checks into where the person checks out and it takes control
Those 80 mile hour thoughts where driving off the road and not stopping meets the white knuckle grip
I could do it there is no stopping the lurching slow tilting wheel
Nor is there anyone to breath me back into control
To take the knife off the steady sturdy rhythm, to stop the ****** up intermingling of sickend morbidity
It is unlike the calm and even character clicking past the blinking static
Blipping from the slack jawed intensity like some victim of PTSD
Still teeming in the aftermath like some sick puppy waiting on the ride to end
It's terrible and equally ****** up this abstracting feeling is like never waking up
Strung out on some mental drug causing the heart tripping hazard of frequency
Like falling in a dream only to realize you had never slept

When i close my eyes i see it
With each breath i feel
Tasting the bitter and the sweet
Loving the music i hear
It is boundless without shape
Yet distinct in every mutation
The in all forms it is beautiful
In every eye unique

The buzzing sting like angry ants
Walking a rythmic tenor across my skin
Lines upon lines dancing the patterned waltz
Blushing the brilliance of color
Living artwork breathing
Moving
Always on display
A beauty I'll take to the grave.

In  the lingering void that is this expressionless existence
I walk pounding down the sharpness that is the stinging lash of memory
Filled with bitter intensity of
Regret. remorse other tantamount fears
Shouting in the stillness
Who am I now?
Where do I begin to change?
What do I do now?
Can I let go?
Echoing the madness of self doubt
Boiling to surface and rim the confines of thought
Trickling abundantly the inner corrosion  
Ahead in the  silent drifting twilight there stood a shadowed figure translucent an after thought within my being
A remnant to something that was once strong
Faded but not lost
Like a fine layer of dust guilt finally lifts its sticky clingy tendrils
Away from the constricting  spasmic leeching it once held to my soul
And I step freely from this endless circular prison
Into myself I become once more

"Love don't live here anymore", she said twisting one silver ring. The echo of its body presented on the left ring finger the white line indented in flesh. "He left the lights on though. Smiling his tight lipped grin and tilted his hat. Like a man just visiting for the weekend. Some old time gentleman having done his work, the gratuitous clicking of fine shoes on tiled floors." Flicking her curled hair away from the base of her neck smiling a little herself a small sarcastic smile. "Something my grandmother would have witnessed. Pictured in muted color reeling like the screen of some washed out film. Black dots appearing on the back of his white suit pants as he pulled open the door the sway of his shouldered jacket swishing rhythmic in walk." " You should have seen it" she said "suave and dashing the clean dramatic expression and cool collected response." Chuckling to herself she looked at me her blue eyes angered and raw. "Its a pity that love doesn't leave that way. Clicking blue sway shoes grinning Cheshire smiles." Huffing she wrapped her arms around gathered knees, "Yeah, love don't live here anymore and he didn't leave in style."

I want to be a little girl forever
For surely I would never have to grow old
Never have to face ridicule in silence
I could pull hair and shout mean words
"Well your ugly, and don't smell nice either!"
Or, "I didn't want to play anyway your a cheater"
I could whine and everyone would find me adorable
I could cry without guilt
and Love without heartbreak
Because to a little girl every man could be a hero

I could paint my nails nine colors,
And ask for cookies at breakfast
Wear my pajamas to school
and leave bread crumbs on T-shirts

Being a little girl would be lovely
Getting carried from place to place
Falling asleep wherever I pleased

No more hiding
No more endless rules
For we all know to a little girl rules are for fools
I would be rotten and I could be spoiled
But come morning no one could love me more.

While selfish and at sometimes cruel
Little girls are sweet at heart and genuine too!
I could indulge my habits and play pretend
Instead of go to work and have people that depend
On my steady hands or achey feet

No more bills!
No more lies!
I could build sand castles and pretend to fly
There would be space adventures and tons of books to read!
Yes to be a little girl again would be rather neat.

Is this real life?
Or is it just fantasy?
Caught in a web of delusion
No escape from reality
Where I open my eyes and all I see
Is the endless movement of shuffling feet
Struggling to keep my head above the debt of necessity
Blinking away seconds in a haze
I look at the world
And Question
Is there something better waiting out there for me.
Or is this all there really is