Early morning light bleeds red into closed eyes
Waking abruptly reaching tired hands across cold sheets
Finding nothing
But the stuffed sides of teddied fur
No warmth
Or early laughter
No I love yous between kisses
The creaking of stiff limbs locked tight around shoulders
Hips and chest
The urgency of sweat and sweetness of passion
Echoing lonely thoughts
I welcome sleep again
Hoping to find you

They call me crazy and call me blind
For letting you wash back over me
When you have been one person for so long
Its hard to realize what life is like without them
And without you I was more miserable than I had ever been

Dumped like heaping garbage
Stinking up the beauty of the everyday
My love rotted
and with it so did my mind.

Instead of floating I sank
Degraded so far into myself that I discovered the depth of your infection
And how unhealthy it was
How much of the self I valued was fed into maintaining everything

And just when I begun to **** out the invasion
There you stood
On shaking knees on the rim of my secret garden
This ravaged heart in bloom
I dropped my trowel
Skirted the chasm of wilted wonder
And looked at you for all that you were
Those brown eyes screamed and strong arms shook
With that one look I knew you understood

I have learned that I cannot make you the center of my gravity
Like a balloon tethered fragile to the whim of reality
I can no long depend on you for my vitality

But nor can I pull the creaking fingers of desperation from the pleated
Wrinkled splendor that was once white
I had tried and the trying nearly broke me
Wrecked me more assuredly than
If you would have come clean

I had painted you beautiful more beautiful than what my eyes could read
In the end you left me
The murmuring deceitful voices of change where right.
Withdrawn as you were and as wonderful as she sounded
I should have known
But I thought you better than that
Love was the shield I hid behind

But even it could not protected me
From the sound of you succumbing to the charms of another
Falling into the web of pity
and taking that lonely sickness
And letting it infect your judgment.

Cracking thunder fills shallow walls
Rattling the windows
Echoing in the din
Rain slapping mirrors
Reflecting my mindset

This rain cloud having followed me
From school, to bed, etc..
Always clamoring
Shouting out
Echoing the screaming helplessness
Stretching and swelling
Between ears
Popping the fragile control

Collapsing
Cut strings
Knees hinging
Falter mid-step

Sorrow having swallowed
Whats left.

Guilty calls
Won't make the pain go away
Checking up on me
How you put it
Isn't going to make me feel
Any better

You make it worse
Showing kindness
Is really pain
Hearing
What I can't have

Listening at how undisturbed you
Really are

Maybe it will be good for us
Some time away
Take two
Into one

"I love you"
Then why are you leaving?

"It's not you.."
It's must be, looks like the problem told you it was

"I don't want to break your heart."
It was your purpose from the start.

I might leave
I tell her crossing my arms beneath my breast
Listening to the rain speak
Washing away the yellow layer of pollen and dust
Agitating the old window panes
Scrubbing the sore throbbing anatomy of nature
Some relief from the spring season

It would be my right
I murmur hearing the quiet ****** my words into hushed darkness
By leave
I mean stay
Still wishing for what was
What is now a memory
Flickering black thumps against my feet
Sounding like footsteps rhythmic
More eyes blink in the dim light
Feeling the rubbing touch of whiskers
On nape of neck

leave
From ultimately him
She nods flicking one black silk ear
Turning green eyes to the swaying
Leaf fingers
Tapping glass

I mean it, this time I'll show him.
Lazy paws reach out
Stretching tiny feet and jingling bell tones
Chime in the silence

What it is like to loose me
Curling feet meet cold blanket edge
Where knees press so deep into breast
That hands release, wrapping closer
Tighter
Tucking socked toes next to warm
Breathing fur

You don't believe me, do you?*
Green eyes meet blue and the mewling assertion
Fills the air with conviction
She didn't believe me
She knew too well

This blonde deceiver
Lied to often
Mostly to herself