The muggy smog of early day
Greeted with its hazy lulling quiet
Making the tumult that was my thought flat line
Where this soft spoken neighborhood
Throw back housing and lazy barking furred tenants leveled back down from the clouded canopy where I float
Like a child on my back in still water
The ungelating  of the cosmos distracts me from reality
The ebbing harmony of self to world relation made a meditation blooming with the emptying of my own being
Where I stare bold eyes in reverent to stars

Looking at the heavens as if they held my heart
Had the power to both make me
And help define the limits of my being where I could not

Touch the place inside myself that I hide
From him, from her
The people I love most know not the secret self
That child whom worries and frets
Panics in its shell,
Stays like the placid lake
Unmoved stillness that meditative calm
Shaking the bars of my being until
The stillness turns rippling
Quaking the waving terror
Down the the drowning heart beneath the sea of calm
Choking on the need to stay silent

To regain composer and not be brought to the shore of reality
Where my being washed ashore
That secret self was laid bare
It's skin still raw from the air, salted with the shame of lost control

I become desperate to swim
To float
Get the grit and sand from beneath my toes
The nakedness unbearable
I cover myself with leaves
And turn away from the sun
Turn away from his light his warmth
It feels wrong to be so ****
He can see my body and I can claim apathy or moreover love
But to bare my soul
My secret self
Is a nakedness I cannot help but protest.

It's been quiet
The faucet dripping the echoing stillness
Of adverse mindset
Consumed by the withering sleeplessness that ails the student dragging dead feet strung out on dead wisdom
That is no longer implemented, applicable and moreover looked at as a crutch for those whom social status is less than hip
The area of mind confiscated by academics swells
Thudding the pulse drum rhythm of obsessive regurgitation
Were Kant spews forth followed by hinduistic dharma
Up chucking language theory
So is my disease so is my study

Where upon waking all I dream is to sleep
To get some **** rest away from all of the conflict messing processed dogma
But addictions have a way with coming back
And I'm all to experienced
A longtime loner
Swisher of ailments in the whiskey tumbler of existence
Fermenting on the brewing affliction that is life

I did a fine job this time
Mucking up my own thoughts spiraling me down
To the pitfalls of logic
Where I loose the poet
And attach the analytic mind straight to the brain
Forego the heart
Snip it like some bothersome string attached to my favorite shirt
But here is where I wake
And realize that though logic and rhetoric help the structure of the self
The spirit is starving behind those cold bars
Scared to come out lest it be cut once more
Violated like a child
Helpless to the mindless bumbling oafish screams of listless beings
Whom's only goal is to crush it
Maim it to something other that what it is
Taper it's wings
And stunt the flexing whiles of its witless abandon
Oh how it shone
That beautiful fluctuating penumbra of brilliance
That taps into the ether and brings forth light and wonder
Abandoning my skepticism at least for now I bathe in the glory of freedom I have unbound

It's another day
But the humming humdrum buzzing in the back of my mind continues and I feel that frequency once more
That bubbling back water tune of my thoughts
Cranking out the Beatles, Bob Marley and that smooth electric Queen ride
While the passing bodies emit the chaos of collective electric sounds vibrating too fast and burning themselves out too quickly
But who am I to tell them to change the station

Click back to something comforting like a Train wreck into those lyrics that make you mellow and keep the heart both heavy and light
Where "she wears high heels when she exercises"
Meets "Imagine all the people.."

Instead of "throwing glitter on the floor" and dressing like a *****
The integrity of a person can be spelled by the inclination of their music choice at least in some part
Where the air headed meets the raging ostentatious celebrity
And the more level seeks words that have space in the general meaning of what it is to be human
Singing beauty up into the thoughts of man

Feeling the frequency of my own mind
And rubbing the fuzzy static of less developed
I am humbled by my selective out cast once more
And find that the understanding of my person
Is not meant to happen here
As much as I would wish them to see listen more closely if not to music
Then themselves

Feeling has become the antithesis to my being
The tumbling thinking ridge of my sanity seems mute
When words stick in dry throat
And your jabbing lance of perverse reason
Stings worse than lemon juice in the freshly
Singed skin
Still pulsating with the abuse of forked tongue

I have become the offering to the supremacy
That is your wit
Oh how your horns shine bright and the malice of your ego
Glints like slimy limestone
In the cave in which you stash your better half
The one not spoiled by the sheltered mentality
Of which you claim to have no association

How can you presume to tell I whom in your best interest did such minor affront to your person
That I am wrong
For gods sake I bought ginger ale instead of soda
You act as though I have poisoned your dog and slapped your mother
Looking for something small to defuse and use as a weapon
**** that!

If my countenance is so appalling that you cannot see what innocent slight you believe me to have done
Was done in favor of you
Wanting to promote the bettering of your being
Because I care
Not that I think you a child or incapable of doing things yourself
But ****** it's my money if I want to buy turkey bacon instead of pig
Ill ******* do it!
It's still bacon but without the **** that is processed into it!

Moreover should you ever analyze  you're own disgrace
I want you to see what you blew up in my face
While I provide and make sure you have
All the pretty little commodities you wouldn't have
Your spoiled nature and childish wines
Just affirm to me how
Secular you are inside
That you cannot see the view point of others and skew love with control

Blips of color greet the green leave wonder of evergreen bushes
The fluttering finally subsides and winged whispers hush
Leaving the night void of movement

The stars were brighter outside than normal
Sitting out freezing frozen numbed tips of blue
Curled tightly in jacket edge
Where I sat
In the stillness of evening
Watching the world wind down
Except the wind
Whose words went unanswered
Pleading the sane to find heated doors
And cozy bed clothes

But I never claimed sanity anyway
Who wanted that dull bias label anyway
Moreover who could claim normality in a world of individuals
It was peaceful here briskly captivated by moonlight
But I could not keep composure
The flat line balm ripped itself once more into frenzy

For you popped right back into my mind
As if you only left to grab a bite
Instead of locking yourself out in this cold night
You had to wander back inside
And muck up all the barriers and reassurances I had made myself
Leveling the levy
I had built so I would not drown in sorrow any longer

You with a capitol Y
The one thing that could both leave me in bliss and shatter the fabric of my being
Burn it so the pattern is left thread bare
The edges frayed
Gummed up like some ancient machinery left in the elements of your wrath
Or worse
Your apathy

My solace ruined
I regrettably turn in
Creaking rusted legs
And pluck the melancholy dew drops
Of love  from the heavy air

Can we just close our eyes
And pretend
A dream of time gone by
When your breath fell against
Pillows frothing with waved curl
Shining like copper in early morning

Skin chilled
The goose flesh of warm hands making waking a sensation
Tucking closer to the warmth
That spread with the expanse of your arms
Can we not breathe and forget that I am holding your voice to my ear
Instead of having it tingle
The heated murmurs of tone

Not the garbled digitized timber
Where us was more than
Me telling him that you are there
That the next guy I tell will believe me
If he hears about you one more time
Sees your picture and doesn't think me a loon
For having a spouse that is not there
You are not make believe

That I will wake up not wanting for your touch
The gift of your laughter
And how somedays you are the only one to make me smile
Can we pretend just for a little while