There was something special about this space
Like the walls spoke a language
The eves telling little secrets of comfort
Making this empty space feel more like home
Than that cramped apartment

Backyard wonderland like a child
I felt like butterflies and fairies could
Jump and flitter between leaves
Or goblins hobbling
To dance magic dance
The winking of mismatched eyes
Charming me out to play

Or possibly it was the dusty smell of closets
The socks stealing gnomes
Creeping around plain sight
Stashing keys and pony tails

Something made my weirdness welcome
My childish heart
Bloomed brilliantly
As if this space had waited
Stuck on some barrier between reality
To take me back
And make this old soul
New

Where do I go from here
Here being the limbos of choice
The frontal antagonism of option
Where each road looks similar spelling out the death of my heart
Stunting my passions and printing a mundane existence
Where I am burdened by a debt of responsibility
Bare scrapping change up off the pavement

Not filling willing minds with enlightenment joy and inner peace as I wish to be
My dreams as grand as the shining gold pillars of some ancient city
And wit as sharp as the Chinese whom discovered atomic theory much earlier than western thought had hoped

Where do I go from here
Do I take up refuge in some major that over times takes my mind into the spinning spiral of numbers
Crunching them down to bite sized bits so I don't choke on their rational?
How do i know  what is right
When I've found it and it has been deemed unworthy

How do I deny the self?

I should tell time by the words spoken
That way when death came knocking at least we would have conversation
Choose scheme carefully for it could mean one um to close to middle age
Two  I loves you's from adulthood

Words would mean more than the method to maim
Slander the budding of free thinking mind
Or take light from a flicking candle
If time could be stunted by vocal notions
Glodal pops and humming lyrics
Then lovers would never die
And poets would fade into
The everyday mayhap the fickle trickle back into the ether

The quiet would be lovely
Emoting the stillness of nature birdsong would fill the silence as it was meant to
And the air would not be littered with the dank smell of spit and betrayal

You could ask me the weather by motion
Dance me into existence with the way your eyes spark and the grace of your smile
Such language would be peaceful
Dreaming a dream
So calming I might not
Wake
For there was nothing to curse me from it

The muted manner of being
May transcend the busy buzzing of the rat track motion
Squeeking out their horror and joy
Such silence
Such relief
If words could tell time
Forever in bliss I would be

Covered feet on black clicking the time of walking stride
The fume of frozen gas sticking to my throat
The late winter leaves having stuck to guttered sidelines
Their huddled swaddled backs burdened with the soft shell of academia
I missed this place
As much as it is a sign of failure it also holds triumph

Where I found my mind when I thought the world
Was defined by a god long dead
That I was lost in a sea of faces
Who prayed, believed and spread faith
Like a soothing blanket
Their thoughts where not troubled
They didn't not question
They had hope
As false as I believed it to be

Even now as I watch them
Flocking to bus stop shelter
How they hold a happiness beneath their chilled skin
Glowing with some assurance I feel I'll never have
But I'm pushing for that feeling
That  place to belong
Somewhere between down to earth and too consumed with my study
But not quite there enough to fall into that group
That speaks academics but knows when to let go

But I can't let go
When it is a matter to the existence of even having a soul
Why do others not feel this need to know what constitutes their own being
Why do I scream out silently to persons whom I had not hoped to know
For we all know that faces on the web are less real than those we see
Everyday
Every moment waiting for that moment they would reach out and cure the ache of loss

They slow the footfall pavement
When passing the stop
Hearing the lively chatter
The silly matters that don't haunt an old soul not looking trouble
As if their frequency vibrates on a different level
Fm to my Am
Where the genuine character of my self turns back on itself
And I become the shy
Confused not knowing how to approach them
So instead of humiliate I walk by
Singing my oldies and rhyming my rhyme

If this should end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Go up in smoke
Glorifying all that we were
The good the bad
And the terrifying
Because if I should burn
So should you

If I shall melt from the heat
Then so should you
For we are connected by more than this
Than this pain of souls shedding
To the core of what renders them

With heat you remade me from what I was to what I am
This self has climbed out of the ruin
The ashes of what was and has never shined
As brightly as it has under your hands
Under your warmth the butterfly transcends
Into excellence
Where her wings have never reached as far
And her heart  never bled as readily

I see fire
Glowing up from within
Ticking with the limitations of time
Where it is fed dreams
Hopes
And lies
In order to keep lit
Instead of burning bright only to fade
From the lack of air

If I am to catch fire
We should all burn
For without you
I will descend once more to the ember
Not to burst with brilliance anymore

******
Why couldn't this come earlier this
Hustle and bustle
The need to compartmentalize my existence
Only to find new ground and plant roots
It's not that I didn't want to move
It's the packing
The lacking
And the living out of boxes
That **** me off
If I could find ground worth staying rooted in that would be nice

Waking is like that final breath before the plunge
Down deeper into the thick of possibility
Where I find the Nietzchian mastery
That mentality that dominates and conquers
Leaving behind the pitiful
Weaker modes of being
That sharp edge of nihilism that propagates
The negation of substantial purpose
And living becomes a series of tasks that are manageable
Not the overbearing jumbled cluster **** of modern man

How I dream of Walden
That escape to find existential meaning
That reverts me back to an independent self that relies on not man but nature
To derive sustenance
Long for that shack
In the middle of no where where the worry of the day is to feed myself
And to stare at the stars
Instead of work long hours and still have no freedom to see

But it is not probable that I will have an escape
For the planet is dying one tree at a time
And the ignorance of our species is making
My exodus a place worse than the suburb
At least there I don't witness the choking of innocent creatures on pollution
Gasping for air through lungs riddled with fume
And foaming on plastic by product

While I contribute no animosity towards my mother I participate by association
And feed the monster it's favorite treat
That sickly green paper
And a snack of penny meat

While my exceedingly more mechanical mind cranks the cogs tighter
And starts to rhyme
Filling in the line space and paying my dues I become another body
Thus a weapon to the corporate  move