It comes ringing jingling
And ring-ting-tingling
The holidays

Creeping up so fast all you can do
Is watch
In horror
As the warm fuzzy feelings of wanting to
Be with someone
Anyone
Family
Friends
Lovers
The need to be loved
Sprinkled like sugar on everything
The holidays make people needy

You held me
While the wind played its sorrow
Wailing desperately against the window side
Yelling its hollowed sound vibrating the pane
Expressing the turmoil of weathered scorn
Like a child tantrum that I wish I could feel
Fall lamenting the passing of time
Bought at high cost
Hours covetted for the comfort it brought
Images
The salt of sweat
Dragging me across the bed
Hot hands on heated skin

The feel of your breath against my nape
Sensitive ears swept by the cascade of sensation
Your touch shaking me awake
Aware of the placement of hands
Holding me hostage
Stern grip in sleep
As if I would disapear
**** out of existance
Dull creaking of joints locked

Head suspended on the rise
Of your chest
Sleepily
Running my lips across your brow
Pink nails running across black hair
Trying for quiet tears
How I have missed you
So full of elation I might
Dissolve into nothing

Eyes go dry staring at the black letters
Streaming across the white glaring edge of blank space
Filling up margins with contemplative speculation
Another theory
Another world view down
Peering down the mind of thinker long dead
And ideology long forgotten in the common consciousness of man

The heated whirring of computed fan
Making fingertips warm with the *******
Streaming off the tips of meated flesh
Vomiting regurgitated digested language and reasoning’s
Spoon-fed to the infant mind for four months
The final tick-tacking of keys
Setting in stone the effort and money of another semester spent
Steam rising off the cranium
The sizzle of taxed mind and drooping eye

Fascinated still by information that I'm too **** tired to process
Another semester down
Major coming into focus.

You hear them
Benieth some shadow of movement
Muffled madness spreading
Like an infestation
Gagging on their laughter

Lifting fist nodding indignation
I felt like 60 instead of 20

Will you still love me?
When I am no longer vibrant
With the contengency of my youth
When my soul is laden with the suffering of a lifetime
Will you hold me?
Kiss away the pain of my heart
When the world betray's me
And my own heart denies me enterance into the realm of forgiveness

Will you still love me?
When my lips thin
No longer plump with the pouting potential of 21
When my blue eyes no longer spark with the reflecting depth of laughter
When age takes my skin into itself and adds new plains to my profile
Will you still see me?
Inside a body that shifts with the experiences that define it
When the shell that was once so vocal is quiet
When I revert inside my mind to find the answers to the world
Instead of forge a new path
When I travel a road long worn by the pads of my feet that I know it by memory
As I know you

Will you still love me?
When the ring on my finger no longer fits
Having loss the thickness of supple skin
Will you still love me?
When I can no longer grant life
When children sing no more lullaby's in their small voices
Can you still love me?
When nights grow colder
And the stories I tell you grow together
Weaving the tale of your life into a glorious creshendo
That words fail and you are brought to tears
By the essence of my love.

I will still love you
No matter how you change
I will see the young man with his wide eyed wonder
I will love the gentle expressions of your self when they change as we all do
There will be no faulter in my steady step as I hold your hand

Help you off the ground
Steady your shaking feet
Planting firm roots beneath you
When everything else is meant to fall
I will see you despite it all.

I am young but old
Not chasing the singing dragon out into the night
Dumping the dragging lull of liquor into my being
Like it will fill the cracks in my psyche
Thwart the emerging of my being like some slick spector in the recess of my mind
Gobbling up my intellect one atom at a time

Relevant only to the tantilzing beat of the bass
The ghetto melody making me elated to the fact that
A white hick hippy want-to-be can never be a ****
I am young
With the knowledge that time is in my favor
Wild wanton ways of youth touch my limbs with excitement
Too much drugs and drunkin dancing in the streets of small time city lights

Where I float on the blissful bubbling blunders of slurred words
And harmless touching that we all know means more than the numbing
Fuzzy fingers of inhibitors want us to believe
I am young

But I grow old
With the acheing feel of gritty mornings
Class time drool-drolling onward towards the final accumulation
Of my efforts
How the liberation of my mind feels fresh and shiney
But at once I feel a regress into old thoughts old beliefs and the worn out mentality of those older
I am old

In that my soul longs for the love that it is denied
Beaten down by the distance that holds it hostage
My tendancy to find rust and petinal signs of age beautiful
Long talks with my mother give me joy
I am old
In that I taste the test of time and see wonder in the generations past
Hoping for the sweet lull of a good nights sleep

Feeling and emoting a progressive approach to a dieing dicotomy
Loving
  Hating
   Saddended by things that will never change
I am growing receeding and more importantly changing
Looking to renew the implications of the word normal
But above all the old
The young, fresh and vibrant
I will forever more be
And always be me.

I follow you like an obsession
Seeing your life from the outside
Noting the smiles that frequent your face
The contentment of yourself in that space
I no longer see that disturbed longing to be free of that place
That backwater town that has no place for me in it
No future
Besides a deadpan existance leading its citizens astray or
Contenting them with a simple life

You have those who love you
Genuine friends and you seem to find a way to be busy
Find enjoyment in that simple existance
Not seeking out the exoteric meanings of life
Re-emerging back into that mentality of everyday people
Happy with just being in the moment in time
Devoid of that driving passion to find meaning in this life
To understand the worlds complexities and learn the beauty that is humanity

The vision I have escribed to myself to seek the truth in this world
To see the nasty and feel a sense of calm in the face of our own self destruction
Feeling as if my mission drives and beliefs are becomeing coersive to your health
How do I connect with you anymore?
You who used to abore the simplicity of your upbringing

I see it now
As you talk to your brothers and sister
I try to communitcate experience your world
But I am an outsider to this realm

My words don't fit
And all eyes make me feel castrated
I don't speak as they do, I use words they don't understand
A language and understanding that they do not employ
Not saying that I am better than anyone of them
Because I know I am not
Humble to the fact
That they don't find those things worth doing
Worth any merit
Secular in their reasoning

I see you fit this mold
This world where I cannot speak
Without offending or offering explination
Leaving me mute,
Feeling outcasted
Dumb to the workings of their order.

But you are a camilion blending in
Taking that world as your own
Transforming before my eyes into someone
I don't know
Or would know if I had realised you were
Developing without me

It is subtle this changing
How the conversation gets more complex on my end
Reaching out for anything that will relate you back to me
My mind becoming a blockade
A boundary to you
Where I crave none

I feel you here in my being
Shifting changing
The face you show me smiling happy
Loved and no longer in need of me
Wondering when you will see this yourself
When this distance will become leagues
And you determine whether it is worth it to cross