Devastation, that thrumming madness behind my eyes
Has not dwindled but kept itself in the back of my mind
You leaving has left its aching hole
The gradual upheaval in my soul

But I stand firm
Solid are my knees
Holding up my world
When everything is so bleak

With the hopes
A prayer
A silent plea
That you will arrive
Any day
Searching for me

With that smile
That swishing gate
And yes
I will watch you
Connect eye to eye
And when the fire of my love
Has fulfilled, a sated state
We will watch the sunset
And I will no longer ache.

There is no music here
Where I stay
Inside my mind
Locked behind the disturbances
That shake me
Quaking my bones until they come loose
Covered by despair like Pompey
Its silhouette immortalized
Against the back drop of my ongoing torment.

This depression a lingering installation
Stuck in neutral
  Neither here
Nor there
           Or right now
Living on Auto pilot
The inner structure of my mind in chaos.

While my feet plant themselves forward
Driven the upbeat staccato of footfall-pavement
The hooked-heel motivation of basic life maintenance.

I have rotted
I have lost
I have given the whole of myself
And still watched him walk away
Not goodbye forever
But goodbye for right now
Sounding just as permanent.

My body is tired
My mind is numb
I have given everything I am
To an idea
To a promise
And kept just enough to function

But I am tired now
Being half of something
Missing vital limbs
Toes
And fingers
So exhausted with life
Exhausted with myself

That right now all I wish to do is sleep,
And maybe
Just maybe I'll never wake to this hell again.

I see you
Black/brown hair
The ivy green of your disturbed eyes
Walking
Further and further away from me
The void of time closing
Faster and faster still
So abrupt each change that I feel the draw of tension in my skull

The harsh rip of tendons in my heart
You were leaving
This time
For good

A two hour treacherous trip
To home were the rest of them flocked
Your roosting
And I could not follow

Little blue bird
With her short wings could not fly with the hawk
And his strong reaching wings
When her feet where tied to commitment

The shackles of responsibility
What was right for little blue was here
Where the sun shone and the gift of education lingered
But GOD how she wanted to follow him
Into the unknown
The bleakness
Just to not have to suffer the loss of her hawk

But what was waiting for him was a promise
The promise of a better life
Freedom from the ****** he had become accustom too
Freedom to flourish in a distinctly hawk way
To get better
To  soar high in the heavens and enjoy the wind
Without losing his mind in the process

You walk
Away from me
Into a brighter sun than
The  shade at my back
Casting your shadow backwards where it held me
In its phantom strength untill
It too faded out
And left me lonely
Completely incomplete
Untill you come
For me
Keening victoriously
In flight

Turning I walk back into the shade you left behind
Leaving blue feathers
Sounding out the clinking of chains

Staring into a bowl, filled with fruited o's
I contemplate the cosmos

The world, my place in it.

And come to the conclusion that it will move on

Prosper or not prosper based on determined and undetermined factors

And even this bowl of cereal is a factor to that means

Soon I grow tired of this expansive thought

And decide what the hell

Its only cereal....

Will you walk with me
      Hand in hand
         A leisurely stroll
               Promptly off the plank
                       And into the quagmire of my thoughts
                             Where words fade into meaningless garbled blips of sound
                                      Where the wet sluggish tick of my clock
Turns back on itself
   Into madness
And back into reality
                  Lapse in reason                                              Forgetful................................
I fall under                              sideways                                                                          farther still
                   Clutching                your  hand tight..........

                                      Where in darkness you have always been the light.
To my candle
      Keeping my wick warm
Dry, and free of debris
                                        My savior
Oh Captain,                                            My Captain
                           Sailors right
Steering me into                         Dangerous water

Waiting the kraken deep, my appetites hunger
                            It is only you they seek.
A snare!        A trap!                    Baited breath!
Shackled creep,
               Here within my heart you are mine to keep.

How do I breathe?
When the heavy weight of responsibility chokes out the option of freedom
When the beat of life holds feet to pavement
Forcing the whimsical mind to rigor, and rhetoric.

How do I see?
When visions are bred to infect an open mind with social, and ethical nonsense
When the constrains of organized religion impose will but not unity
The bitter taste of opposition between brothers.

Why do I listen?
When words are fickle and meaningless
When their emotions are as fake as the smile they hide behind
The subliminal meanings behind the edited thoughts and vocalizations of man.

How do I speak?
When my words are interpreted falsly before understood
When words are many and ideas copy cat,
Distorted meaningless mash up of everyday mundane life

How do I be myself?
When the individual is as overrated as the society it lives in
When judgement comes first, and forgiveness never lasts
Existing to walk a path laid by another man

The road less traveled is the same road that harbors the footprints of millions
The road becoming a generalized idea for happiness
No longer molded to the steps, length, and size of a mans shoe
Where is the individual?

What constitutes personality?
When we are a product of our situations
And the people who direct them

How do I breathe?
When my lungs are owned from inside the womb.

I stood there mute
Words harnessed in my throat ragging against the cage of reason
But I could not hurt you
The way you have hurt me

The deep trenches of doubt
The bleeding **** of shame
And the liquid infection of your love

My love
And its mutated form
Eatting away at the insides of my mind
Heart a black mass of rotted feted meat

But I could not hurt you
With the words I wanted to scream
With the torement of my soul
The tearing of scarred
Lightly burned insides

I could not wound you
With the lash of my angered tongue
The righteous injustice I have felt
For my own sake

I could not make you anguish
Over love like I have done
Still do and will do
Until you decide you don't need me

Even with you standing
There on in the gravel lot
Breath a warm cloud
And eyes sincere
Questioning me

Asking me
What you have done wrong
What you deserved to know

But I could not hurt you
With the truth
With the pretty lies
Or with honest half's

So I said nothing
Breathed deep
And tried not to cry
Looking away
Off into the setting sun

I could not hurt you

Warm lips on forehead crown
Hands touching
A face drawn in reluctant tears
A chest
The pleated plaid of button down
Steady rhythm of heart

I could not hurt you

My unpredictable rock
Tearing me down
Building me up
Tripping my tongue
And trapping my thought

I could not hurt you
My weakest spot.