I often ask my cat questions
That I know the answer to
It’s more about the accusation
Than it is a search for truth

do you ever avoid looking at someone because their rejection would make you feel worthless
Do you ever sit in the corner or in the back of the room, simply to have your back to the wall
   do you ever look away feeling like someone is too good, too radiant for you, above your level
DO you ever wish you could hide your face, your body, your presence entirely
dO you ever feel completely overwhelmed at the thought of the life you have left
    Do you ever sit alone in you car, in your room, on the edge of your bed trying to find silence and not knowing what to do with it when you find it
do you ever remember the first time someone looked at you and determined you were less
Do you ever draw closer to someone knowing you can focus on them and they will never focus on you
  dO you ever mirror the people around you, trying desperately to seem normal, to seem like you understand and agree
DO you ever avoid speaking because once something is out of your mouth it’s in the universe, in the air, and actually exists
do you ever?
do you?

Pictures of pain I don’t think I’ll ever leave behind
Razor blades, blood in the sink, left for me to find
On the other side of a door I wish I had never opened
Binging, hiding scars, laughing to keep silence something far
Like a slasher film, a fly landing on my nose
Maybe if I don’t move no one will notice
In a corner, shadows hide bags under eyes
Noise keeps the memories away
Why do I see only pain
Seizures, needles, some by choice
I’ll make time for you, maybe to give myself some semblance of value
Trying to turn around, acting as if I have power, have a voice
What more is there to be said, good moments mostly bad days
Why is it I can’t seem to forget what I want to
Why are images continually flashing, some last longer and seem to haunt
Trying to paint a smile on my face
Life is homework, desperate, only trying to pass, failure even in A’s
I hope these years will be forgotten soon
The fears, the exhaustion, I want it all to end
Longing for rest, continually restless
Where is purpose and why is it a tangled mess, yarn in a heap, somehow no one sees
Why?
It’s a strange thing
To want to forget, and yet the pain that comes when someone forgets
Forgets
How easy to be forgotten, how hard to forget?
How does it matter so much and yet?
Does it all matter
Endless effort to look effortless
Confidence to hide fear and self hatred, but if no one sees can I still call myself a success?


I’m sorry
Oh sorry
Inconvenience
Sorry
Again, sorry