a stitch, to unpick
patching up my heart
arteries combusting
explosions of red hot anger

a scream, to echo
in the dusty chambers of the void

a hand to hold
knowing that everything that has a beginning,
has an end

yet still, we love

fiercely
ferociously
frantically

hoping there will be a star with our name on it
when the world implodes

my lungs burn

heart ripped from my chest
love ripped from my heart

things look different,
through these tear stained eyes

a meadow of flowers
that we used to run through,
is now a wasteland of dying flowers

and a gentle hand once reaching out to me,
is now an angry claw,
ready to claim me as it’s own

as I was once love’s own
with you

I have walked these shores,
until sand buried itself into the soles of my feet

like a parasite,

and you -
the reason for my nightly barefoot wanderings,

nested in my ear, too,
with all your whispers of “I love you”

a leech, ******* out my impurities,
but at the same time, the very blood and soul

of me

I watched you falling out of love with me

stuck rooted to the sidelines,
unable to reach a hand towards to you

(as if my hand would have changed your mind)

I became unstitched, skin and bones
shaking, failing, decomposing
heart shrivelled up and shrieking

you said, “just let some time pass.”
as if time ever heals anything

I will taste your betrayal, in my mouth,
like blood

I will remember you, behind my eyes,
until the day die

I am a part of -

the Earth
the sky
the stars

they speak to me
in their infinite generosity

whisper words of comfort and hope
echo back the souls of all those I’ve loved

(and lost)

and in their gentles caress, I am at one -

with the moon
the soil
the air

I am stardust
I am fire

I am everything I cannot be
in daylight

I see my past spread out like a map;

each arrow leading me back to a home
that has turned to ashes

back to my body, which disgusts me
each bone, each hair, each inch of skin

I want to tear the ******* route apart,
in the hopes that I may plot a new one

one where I may be free
from the histories that stick

like gum, to the soles of my shoes,
with each step I take

freedom is a fraught war
that I am too tired to win

and once again, I find my feet
leading me back to the ash house,
back to the broken bones
of loathing

She warned me against falling freely
into the arms of strangers,
but I would always run, head first, into them

going from catastrophe to catastrophe,
heartbreak to heartbreak,
I learnt quickly how unkind and cruel
strangers could be,

but there were a few,
a glimmering, shining few,
amongst them,

who healed my wounds with whispers of
“you’re safe now”

and held me tightly,
not so that I couldn’t breathe,

but so that I knew my breath
would always be met by
another’s

what are the stars

except pinpricks in the sky

for each lover we have lost

each heart we weren’t able to tame

each soul our song didn’t reach

what are the stars

but permanent reminders of

our failures

You illuminate the worst parts of me,
an unforgiving mirror
bouncing off the surface of the moon

but I am a child of moonlight,
I drink starlight for breakfast,
spitting out that bitter reflection, like fire

until it reaches the very edge
of the solar system and kisses
the face of the sun

as it rises

Grace diminished,

what once was a bright, shining star

is now a blown out candle

I trace your name in the smoke, in the wax

a desperate attempt to rebuild from the ruins

our love is the flames that went out

without warning

and without a match to get them going

again

candle wax
and dried tears
velvet ropes
and silver chains
thick, black smoke
that engulfs the heart
twists it into impossible shapes
they speak to me
the bodiless ones, in my head
when the world has gone to bed
conspiring and calculating
condemning and
confining me to their
silver sphere of insanity
where home is nowhere
and nowhere is home

Ophelia was lucky,

I bet the lake was idyllically pretty,
peaceful, secluded,

I bet she was surrounded by flowers,
weaving themselves into her wet, tangled hair,

I bet she was dreaming as she drowned,

there would have been no one
forcing down a door

no sirens and blue flashing lights
racing her back to life

Ophelia was lucky,

fifty aspirin doesn’t have quite
the same ring to it

as a Shakespearean suicide

I dodged a bullet,
but the near miss rings in my ears,
broken glass scattered around my feet,
and y.o.u...
lingering when I close my eyes,
on my clothes,
and in every beer bottle
I will ever drink from, now
my mouth dry but resisting rehydration,
until I shrivel up, skin brittle and cracked,
organs s.h.u.t.t.i.n.g.d.o.w.n...
I dodged a bullet, fired by your gun,
but I shall still die by your indirect hand...

Women of fire burn more
than the bridges that no longer serve them

they burn holes in the souls of their lovers

leaving them forever branded
with their spirit of flame

engulfing their hearts in passionate smoke,
so that they may choke on their very presence

even when are no longer there

whether their love is reciprocated

or not

We are the winter romantics

steaming mugs of hot chocolate
wrapped in striped sweaters

we find beauty in leaving our
footprints in the snow

trying to leave an imprint
of a hearts on the Earth

but Spring comes and we

thaw

like a frightened bird
clinging to the bars
of its cage

desperate for flight
and freedom

but too scared
to leave

the safety of
its cell

is how I feel
when I'm with you

I hope I can be the one to let go
if love decides to let go of me

not cling to broken threads

like a desperate dancer
trying to correct their misstep

I hope I am graceful enough
to let the last embers of love
slip through my fingers, like ash

knowing that things can rise
out of ashes

like phoenixes

or flame haired
women of fire

she walked in the shoes
of the prince who charmed her,

blood smeared black leather
and frayed laces,

she did not mean to
destroy him,

but she learnt too late
that life was not like a fairytale

and her happy ending could only
end in the ******

of the one who claimed to
love her

but if he loved her
why would he have

pulled her hair out, stand by strand
until the pain made her blind,

took a knife and twisted it
in her chest until her

heart split its arteries

and bled

and bled

and bled

but she patched up the damaged
and returned the favour,

and now she walks away
from her tainted bedroom

away from her dying, bleeding prince

undefeated and proud

in the shoes of a dead man,
making freedom out of chains

the stars dissolved
in your eyes
a hand lay over mine
and I was unafraid
of the darkness
that surrounded me
the wind whispering
silently through the trees
the ocean rolling away
the years that lay between
us and death

and yet, we slept
in that dark, windy night
like babies, in each others arms
knowing that the storm would come
and wash away every impurity on our skin
every blemish, every wrinkle
would fade

and we would rise from our beds, in the morning
clean again

its teeth have sunk into my neck
like vampire fangs

bloodthirsty- draining the life out of me

unwashed hair, cold coffee,
wild, impenetrable dreams

I am at its mercy, once again

I cannot claim the he is unfamiliar,
every few weeks, he visits
through my carelessly left open window

and feasts,

he is the familiar beast
of darkness,

I do not know how to shake him off,

the pills don’t work
the ******* skills don’t work
(like the doctor’s say the should)

I’m just left with my familiar foe,
drinking my blood until I’m

.....empty

there’s a wild, hungry pain in my heart

that longs for your fingertips
to brush lightly through my hair

a reckless sorrow that longs
to scream at the moon, like a wolf
and find a place for its song among the stars

a sleepless malice that knows no bounds
of misery to inflict on my soul

wild heart, sweet sorrow, mad malice...

please add up the sum of my parts,
and leave me whole again

even if I am whole in misery

I take my coffee
black with two sugars
and drink it at 4am
when sleep eludes me
hiding my face
behind a cigarette
staring at the smoke
hoping an apparition
will appear to guide
me through the day
because if my heart is my compass
then I will be lead astray

I want to write a poem
where every word is sacred
every letter wraps around the page
like a pair of arms, comforting
and warming,
I want to reach out like a hand
to save you from drowning
for the ink to spread into the
entire ocean,
infecting the crystal clear water with
uncomfortable metaphor,
just read, or listen, and I'll kiss you
gently on the forehead with a simile
to make your smile,
my words will set you free, my darling
just listen
just listen
just listen

I am a volcano,

a rupture in the crust of a planetary-mass
threatening to consume all in my path
with hot lava and gas
erupting at the slightest, single touch

so be ******* careful
if you dare touch me

My heart beats, still
although you're gone
life goes on

so they say...

but they never held
your hand in theirs

stroked your hair at 3am
when they couldn't sleep

I run screaming from this darkness
into the wild night

offering myself to the stars

"TAKE ME!"

I yell,

take me and put me amongst your heavenly light
I have no place on Earth anymore

now that the one thing grounding me to it
has gone

we ran screaming from the sea
because we saw the crest of a wave
and could scarecely imagine what else
the ocean had to offer

we ran screaming form the burning house
because we saw the flame of the candle
and could not see our place
standing next to the unimaginably powerful fire

we felt so small against the elements
until we realised that we, too, were elements
and that the fire and the water may indeed
one day, run from us

pain is etched
onto my body
like a tattoo

it pierced the flesh
and left its inky
residue

on my skin
forever

by the skill
of your hand
(a gentle stitch)
my heart wrapped
itself around
you,
we became
entwined entities
of flesh and thread,

I soaked my feet
in the waters
that your eyes
bled,
become one
with your sorrow,
turning it into
art,

we healed by the drugless needle,
we healed by the broken thread,
we healed upon the canvas
of the love

we walk with our past
forever beneath our feet

threatening to erupt like a volcano
or spring back into life, like a vine

it is the stepping stones
that guide us
and the gravity the grounds us

as we walk,
our past and our future, collide

we see the whole of the journey
from birth the death
confronted with every detail of our existence

and still, we walk

we walk

the ocean will always answer you, they say;
so I carve a spot on the beach to lie on and

                            listen                          ­    

the red wine is flowing between my lips
dutch courage for the things I'm frightened I'll

                             hear

the water is waking up, gentle and soft
it wraps itself a noose that nobody can see

                          except me

the rope belongs to an anchor. I am anchored to my
grief, for sure, and soon I shall be anchored to the

                         ocean floor

forever. A burial at sea, with no witnesses or mourners.
It's not lonely, for the ocean spoke to me.

                         It spoke to me.

I do not wish to break a heart -
I wish to destroy one,

to damage one so badly that it will never
beat again,

to bruise one so completely that it will never
look red again,

to snap its veins and arteries until they are
a jumbled bag of nerves,

to kick it at its centre and make it bleed
rivers of hot blood,

I am not cruel, or evil, or even angry,
I merely generously want to share
this ******* feeling

I will find you
in the darkest corner of
my heart,

wrap you in red wine
silk, amongst my secrets
and guilt,

I have crawled on broken grass
to get here. I will not stop until
each molecule of you is absorbed
into my flesh,

I will drink your sweat as if it
were an elixir for eternal life,

for I am eternal
in your arms

There is an empty bird cage
where my heart should be

it flew the nest
when it saw you

your sunflower heart, tempting it
to stray

enticing it
to stay

yellow glowed contentment
radiates

from this simple red
part of me

creating a golden union
that does not need tainting

with forevers

People will gasp
when you show them
your heart

shocked that it still beats
beneath all of its bruises

let them wonder

let them stare

forever be a mystery

to unblemished mortals

as you fly, my darling
as you soar

my heart is pounding out
the beat of the last time I saw you

your face feels like nothing more
than a delusion

so happy in my fantasy that I
even imagined myself a new

reality, that I believed would
be the case in a hundred years

you and I
standing side by side

it is nothing more than a crumbling
daydream in the endless cavity of
my mind

in the depths
of your heart
I found a
home

in the crook
of your neck
I found a
root

in which
to grow
from

like a bud
I remained
tight

until your
touch
awakened
me

do you want me to pretend?

happiness, spread like a beach
of broken glass,

each tiny little rock aches
with its own weight,

the hands that break me
wrinkled and chalklike,

they do not care about me.

do you want me to pretend?

sadness, like a line a boats
each one begging to leave their harbour,

each one carrying an anchor that will both
keep them stable and refuse to let them move,

the known and the unknown.

I will pretend, for you.

I am not bathed in black water,
I am not soaped in sandpaper,

I am content.

my heart is not carved in the shape
of pain,

it does not cry in agony at the slightest
touch,

I am happy.

For you.

I am happy.

looking in your eyes

is as holy as any religion

and I shall worship at this temple

until the day I die

reluctant arms
are still arms
to run into

empty words
are still words
to fall
for

hollow love
is still love

heartless -

I am caving
in

we are free birds, they say

yet we will never forget
the cages we were once trapped in

singing between silver bars,
hoping our song would reach
the world beyond our prison

well, it reached you

but I still sing
so that you may always be reminded
that whilst you’ve found me, and released me

I am not a free bird
I am merely a caged bird, set free

We plunge into the heart of December,

its cold tendrils wrap around our hearts,
squeezing out the life the summer breathed

into us

we are nothing but a dark, dead *****,
a puppet of winter,

waiting for a New Year’s Eve firework

to ignite a spark of life

back into

us

the seasons change
the Earth turns
the moon to sun
the stars - undone

the clock ticks
memories dissolve

yet you and I
stand still
upon the sand

as the ocean
moves and
our hearts

revolve

around the single
point of
love

movement, motion, minutes

love is all

we are in debt to
the stars

each one carved
with our

initials

sighing our name
out to the

sky

we are children of
the moon

ever chasing its
craters

across an endless
sphere of

silver

London glows with pre-dawn light,

I roll my cigarettes next to the river
and stretch my limbs out towards the sun,

I cannot get warm,
my bones ache with longing,
and there is a hunger in my stomach
that no amount of pills or food can fill,

the dull ache of depression is a familiar friend,
yet it is really the relationship of a parasite and its host,

and I am so tired of being bled dry,
of having the life ****** out of me by
the angry mouth of this monster,

whilst time keeps slipping away,
as I smoke and watch the water
ripple, moving further and further away
from me

I leave the lights on,
it's better that way

I tear my heart in two,
hoping it will make you stay

your fingerprints singe my skin,
evidence that we once were

together

I wrap my arms around myself.
pretending they're yours

and

f a d e a w a y

without you

I watch you drown,
knowing that I could be
your anchor

I watch you sleep,
knowing that I could be
your nightmare

I watch you

I watch you

out of the corner of my eye,
I smile all the time

hoping you will never see,
the dark heart the lives

in me

**** fireworks

when I flinch at every

explosion

of my mind

scattering across the midnight

sky

my body trembling at every

blast

echoing back to the touch of

you

and I think I could settle

for the here and now

if it weren’t for feeling my bones break

under the weight of carrying

the promise of

forever

the smell of your cigarettes
lingers on my clothes

I have tried to overpower it
with expensive perfume

(that I could not really afford)

but always, it is there in the fibres
of my jeans

stubbornly refusing to be
erased

the war
she fought
against the
mirror

ceased

when she
saw herself
reflected in
your

eyes