and in a second
I realised
that it was not love
I craved

but a deep
understanding
of my soul

for someone
to take the time
to navigate my wounded
heart

dare I say?
take steps to repair it

no. It is not love I want
but salvation in the arms
of an Earthly God

Our love is fierce
and fearless

it blazes like the sun
and shimmers like the stars

our hearts are volcanoes
on the verge of erupting

lava that will spread
and cover the Earth

in our red hot
affection

Come down,
from the dizzying heights
of passion

and tell me that
you love me in
the ordinary

the day to day dust
the rising of the sun
without the promise of a
breathtaking sunset

I love you
in the every day
my morning coffee
my midnight wine

please tell me that
you feel the same
because passion cannot
sustain my heart
forever

I don’t want to be a lady;

I want to touch the sun
with my bare hands
and consume it’s fire

I want to shoot arrows
at injustice
like a deadly archer

I want to pick the stars
from the sky and threaten
the whole world with darkness

I’m not interested in being nice
when the world is burning
around me

You write love letters
to the cities you have visited
and fallen in love with

yet I stand here,
my hands shaking,
and empty of paper
marked with ink
by your hand

There is a star
in the sky
I’ve named
after you

it blazes
in the midnight
carpet of deep
blues and purples

it burns
in my heart
when you’re not
with me

at night
I am never
alone

and we are
never apart

I carry the weight
of the things you did to me
- in my heart
it swells and pulses with pain
no matter how much
I beg it to pulse with passion

I can’t even find the strength
to hate you as much as I hate
- myself
I spend every minute
trying to unpick the stitches
and let the wounds bleed
into words

to find my voice in the darkness
but they stick in my throat
- like stones
and I remain
silent

our love
is an illusion
of something
else

a love
of tenderness
and kindness

we kid ourselves
that we care
when really
we have grown
to hate

the sight of
each other

I sat with you
whilst you chatted endlessly
about the beginnings of the universe
at midnight, over cold beers

and I found it so funny
that you never realised
that my universe
began with you

I do not know how to
deny you anything

except my heart

I keep it locked inside my chest
like treasure

wrapped tight in veins
and arteritis

caged by bones
as strong as steel

it will take a braver man than you
to smash through

the layers of my chest
and break it

I have spent the hours of our love
listening to the waves crash against the shore
beating on my bedroom window, at night,
drinking tea from chipped cups
made with sour milk,
I longed for more,
I wanted to stretch my arms out
and devour the ocean,
let it’s power fill me with the strength
to walk away.
from only ever hearing the sound of the sea
through frosted glass,
and drinking tea that curdled in my stomach,
like my love for you has curdled,
I want the salt water of the wild ocean
to cleanse this bitter taste from my mouth,
let it consume me for it is all I want
to ride a wave away from this stagnant life

My heart opened for you
like a blood red tulip,
it’s restless beats settled
at the sound of your voice,
the way you pronounced my name
as if in a language only known to us,
our fingers wrapped together like vines,
the dark green ties that bind us forever,

But tulips live a short life
their petals wither and die,
I can only hope that in the dust
of my dead flower heart,
there will be the ashes of you

The play of my life
has no intermission
no break in the drama
no pause to catch my breath

On and on and on
the show loops
in my head
nightmares return
night after night

The scenery doesn’t change
the walls of the set, closing in on me
everything I touch is just a prop
fake cigarettes and alcohol free beer

I wait for my death scene
my heart racing with anticipation
for my exit, stage left
but I weep in the knowledge
that my final breath will be just an act

and there is no escaping this plot

you have
the whole
universe
swirling
inside
you

you
must
be
on
fire

you come the me now

as a butterfly

fragile winged thing

it is cruel that you die in a day

and I can’t even hold on to

your reincarnation

grief stirred endlessly

in a cycle

but I will take this daily torment

over never seeing you again

I know -
the secret flower patches
where the fairies hide

play
dance
drink sugar water
and eat daisy petals

I am becoming
them, leaving a world

that bound me with bitterness,
and gagged me with guilt,
subdued me with shame

I am not that rough edged  world;

I am flowers and sugar
twirling and stories

I exist, differently,
and happily

under the secret flower patches

You unpicked my heart
like you picked your guitar

each string of my lifeblood
wound around your fingers

each beat of my dreams
pulsing against your palm

each dizzying rush of blood
to my head, the drug that fed me  

until I didn’t know who I was
anymore,

without you

Let me see with eyes that have
never seen the stars in the sky

give me a tactile map of the constellations

so I may feel the might of Orion
like my feet feel the cracks in the pavement

give me this, so that I may know
the beauty I am missing
and weep

I long to feel the craters of the moon
in exchange for never seeing its phases

why can’t I touch the sky!?

my fingers are already itching,
feeling the heat from star fire

my heart is grieving for what I’ve lost
my eyes grow heavy and close

(as if they were ever different, open…)

as I realise that this midnight world
is not meant for me to see

Let me see with eyes that have
never seen the stars in the sky

show me a map of the constellations
so that I may know the beauty I am missing

and weep

I long to feel the craters of the moon
in exchange for never seeing its phases

why can’t I touch the sky!?
my fingers are itching with anticipation
a shard of my heart has been torn out
my eyes grow heavy and close

as I realise that this world
is not meant for me to see

to ask for forever
is like carrying Everest on your back
hoping you’ll survive it’s weight
I didn’t ask you for forever

I just wanted to share cigarettes and pints
and that mad rush of blood
that makes me want to take a star into my mouth
just to see if I can withstand the fire

your taste is spread across my teeth
like a tapestry of God

no forevers
let us live in this moment
and make this moment
Earth shattering

I trace your name in smoke
as my cigarette burns down to
my fingers

I flick ash furiously away from me
because I will not find you
in embers

I miss the way you made my coffee
in the morning
The way you told me it was bad for me
yet you’d still pour

that thick black liquid, into my chipped mug
that I refused to throw away

I hope you find me, here
I am sitting under the stars we named
after each other

I will not move
until I feel your hand slice into mine
and the stars flicker

signalling a new chapter

I am forever bound in this grief

soft skin and rose petals

scattered like the ashes of my dreams

across the bed of my nightmares

I close my eyes and taste the

salt kissed waves of your

ocean

the sea that drowned me when I was

helpless

and the arms that saved me

both realities existing together

as one

as your fingernails move down my spine

carving love letters and the blood

that we will offer

to Cupid,

in thanks for the richness of this moment

the textures that breathe eternity

in your hands

I am bound to this grief

of my carelessness

for you slipped so easily from my grasp

like sand through my fingers

just glass

glass to shred my bare feet on

as I walk towards

that beckoning ocean

They brought you back from the lake
draped in lilies

their scent so strong I thought I might pass out
and relish in a few brief moments of serenity

before the grief hits me like I’ve ran
into a cliff face

you no longer have to pray for
snatched moments
of peace

for you have stolen a lifetime
of tranquility
from me

Stars know the secrets that I bury
in daylight

seeping through their cages at
midnight

they’re stardust now
scattered across the night sky

all the words I swallowed down so deep
afraid to ever give them a voice

and I finally see that they are not dark
and shameful

but beautiful

so thank you, stars
for taking the darkest parts of my soul
and giving them light
giving them a space in the infinite sky

for allowing me to see that I need not hold words in my throat till they burn

they can burn bright in the sky
instead

I learnt the sweetness of the sun, that day

the way it’s rays bounced off my skin in
golden glowing glory

warming my half frozen blood

I was no longer a ghost,
eating fear to sustain me

(and sustain me, it did)

I was a mermaid,
coming to the surface of the sea
for a few sacred seconds

of sunlight

Show me your heart

and I will show you my world

that pulsing *****

those bulging veins and arteries

each one a map that lead me back

home

sitting with my hand clasped in yours

empty beer bottles at our feet

and the sweet taste of belonging

on our tongues

That wild ride of lust and laughter

the sheer lunacy of running barefoot
along the sand at midnight

our clothes falling behind us
like leaves off an autumn tree

do you even remember it?

as you sit across from me at breakfast
drinking black coffee and smoking
until your lungs peel

do you even remember
that we used to be young?

now that your withered hand
hovers over mine

too scared to touch
as if my skin is made of fire

what did we lose?
what did we gain?

did it even out
in the end

or are we in debt to our
youth

we clung
to each other
like ivy
climbing a brick wall

our hearts were as strong
as those foundations

our outside changing with the seasons
but inside -

a fire had been lit
that no winter could
extinguish

You fall away from me
like snow melting from a tree branch

we are both, bare again

I am no longer holding out my hand
to catch you

to free the words from my throat
to tell you to stay

I can tolerate the loneliness

I will live in my head -
an entire world of imagination

where I am not stung by wasps
disguised as lovers

reality has left me with burns so disfiguring
I daren’t look in a mirror

in fantasy, my skin is new and unmarked
my heart is still pure and capable
of pumping blood to every part of my body

I will not miss you
but I will learn from you

to make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes

the soul goes on forever
but I am not sure mine is up up to the task

each day, a little part of it erodes away
like water eating into a sand cliff

and I am dropped down into the ocean
forced to swim or drown

and drowning has always seemed
so peaceful to me

my breath froze in my chest
as the tide pulled me down

my limbs stopped struggling

(I stopped struggling)

and I rested my head on the sea bed
in an eternal sleep

beautiful colourful creatures floating
around me for company

if my soul goes on forever, I hope it takes
into account these last moments

and not the years of pain and heartache
that came before

the times when I thought it was literally
being beaten and torn away from me

I hope my soul remembers my final peace
more than a lifetime of chaos

I borrow words like money

always swearing that I will pay them back

but my heart is in so much debt

as you have taken every penny of poetry
that I had

that if I am to keep writing at all

(and I must keep writing)

I must go on

scrounging my way through life

Blood woman -

take your hands off my throat

for lack of breath

is a side effect

of wanting you

and I can’t breathe

for trying to tell you

that this lust is

killing me

She’s the kind of girl
who will play a sad song
when things are going well

when she is finally happy and settled in her skin

because she needs to remember
the sting of tears falling down her cheeks,
and the bitter blows to her heart

just in case

(just in case)

he’s another act in a tragedy
that even Shakespeare would never
have been able to conceive

I count on my fingers
the times you’ve made my heart
STOP

a kiss on rain drenched streets,
soaked to the skin and shivering
into each other’s lips

a fickle finger stroke down my spine,
bones shaking with longing

this wild eyed love that they said
would never last

and yet,
we are here

at the start of something more
than lust and lunacy

more than cliched movie snap shots
more than the weight of two hearts,
separately

we are becoming
a combined mass, forever

We stare, transfixed,
as the river sweeps our pebble ripples

further and further
away from the centre,
where the stone heart fell

like I fell for you, that day
under golden Autumn trees,
kisses as leaves crunched beneath our feet

yet now, a simple pebble is all it takes
for our lives to grow

further and further
apart

our nights are sprang sharing cigarettes

and drinking cheap, neat *****,
straight out the bottle

until the stars start to swirl
in mesmerising patterns

that keep us transfixed till the sun rises
and the new day beckons with endless possibilities

for lovers who have lost their footing
in this world

sea sick from its spin

desperate to belong to more than
each other

desperate to be part of something
bigger

than our swelled hearts, bursting with promises
of forever, and ever, and ever

You told me once that everyone
has a heart that

bleeds

yet, if you’re lucky,
you will find arms that wrap around you

acting like tourniquets

to stem the flow, so that you do not bleed

to death

I taste the black plum of your heart

I get drunk off the juice of your

lifeblood

lips stained purple as we kiss

sweet and warm and deep

as wild and wicked and the seas

I fear I am now sailing

there is no going back, now

the skin of you is in my teeth

and there is nothing but chaos ahead

yet I will ride it, my darling

I will clutch your hand like no one has before

and steer this ship to land

I see the light in your eyes

f a d i n g

and guilt crawls inside me as if it

has hands

to grasp at my heart and

t w i s t

until I bleed no more

and shame melts off me, and floats

like flotsam

in an endless stream of

h a t e

you trick my senses

into believing you are here

when really

we have never been so far

apart

curled around the coldest nights -

with cigarettes and cheap whiskey
to offset the dreams that scream
until my ears bleed

my only regret is not gazing

longer

into the perilous ocean of your eyes,

if you dared let me in,

I could have been,
should have been,
would have been,

whole with you

glass clouds gather

and I can see straight through

the sky

straight to the core of

the sun

straight to the centre

of you

we lay on a damp patch of grass on the hill,
as close as we can get to touching the sky

we’ve set our 90’s plastic all digital watches
and we are waiting for the

stars to open their centres and

breathe

magic into our souls

just one kiss that leaves a trace of stardust

on my lips

this is not our last chance
but the calendar is flicking fast
and one day soon
it will be

so let’s have one night of magic and madness
dancing barefoot under moonbeams

because tomorrow may come, but it won’t be sprinkled in stardust

like you and I are, tonight

I drunk love you,

when my eyes are blurred by beer
and your face is out of focus,

I drunk love you,

with the burning urge to bare my soul
to you at 1am, by text,

I drunk love you because
it’s numb love,

I can say what I want to you,
and not remember it in the morning,

take your mouth into mine
whilst waiting for a cab

and forget the taste of your lips
as soon as it drives away,

I drunk love you,

because the steel bars surrounding
my heart keep you out

the ones that soften and give way
when faced with sober love

We dive
headfirst

into the abyss
of each other’s

hearts

hoping to find a spark
that life can grow from

hoping the find fractures
of love

that we can build a home
from

but all is darkness and doubt
neither trusting the other as friend

they would rather implode
into nothingness

than take the leap of love’s
faith

A kiss that stitched my lips

A touch that burnt and bruised

A fist that shattered my faith

My hope ground to dust

I put all my trust in a

Devil

So I’ll take the life you took from

Me

On my own terms this time

How can I run from your ghost

Time blurs my memories until I don’t even know

Myself

I invite you into the room of fire and Hell

That will stay in the corner of my mind

Until the day I die

My hearts skips beats

aching for the days that were

carefree and frivolous

when my smile was genuine and my eyes

sparkled with life

I know there is no going back

that the journey of life does not come with

a rewind button, or even a pause

to take in the evening air

and breathe the sunset into my lungs

so that I may expel beautiful colours

come morning

whispering ghosts keep me up at night

begging for me to join their chorus

not knowing that I am meant to be

solid flesh and bone

for wolves to devour

in their manic blood thirst

hunger for fresh meat

I am meant to die

at the hands of wild things

as I have lived

myself

I wake with a start at 4am
the weight of my past in my heart

I long to destroy -
cause destruction and chaos
to echo what they did to me

but I never do

I just sit behind another cigarette
watching the smoke twirl
and travel towards to sky

and I am jealous

for I wish to be as light and free
and spontaneous

as a smoke ring

Heart bursting

like spring blooms

I am not sentimental

but your touch is the Devil’s finger

your lips, soaked in Holy Wine

and when they meet mine

I believe in a God I have denied

with all my heart

now bursting with life