I want to find a black pebble
flat and smooth
like the one you gave me
years ago
when sirens were screaming
in my mind

I have no luck,
there is not a lot of it
about lately

I try to find closure
in the ocean,
knowing that if I write your
name in the sand
the tide will wash it
(wash you)
away

but I can’t bring myself to
pick up a knotted stick
and form those letters,
it’s as if I’ve momentarily forgotten
the alphabet
that you taught me in Spain

I don’t think there is closure
I don’t think it’s as simple as
drawing a line in the sand

I was a lover of Autumn
all my life, but this year
I am dreading it

watching the leaves changing colour

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

from their branches, which are twisted
and decaying. The air thick with the
threat of Death

it will make me remember
God, will it make me think of

you

I
Did
Not
Know
That
Death
Was
It’s
To
Keep

I wish there had been a moment
between loss and grief

a moment to catch my breath
before I had to heal

because healing took energy
I did not have

I wish there had been a moment
to just say goodbye

because healing is messy,
and I don’t get enough time or grace now

to simply kiss you on your way

I miss you quietly, sometimes,

no body shaking sobs
no gut wrenching agony.

just the memory of your smile,
and the smell of your hair,

haunting echoes of a life lived with you.

those are the dangerous days,

the days when my smile
doesn’t fade
at the mention of your name

The knives of grief stab me in the heart
over and over again and again

they penetrate the beating
pulse that is keeping me alive

when that which I loved
is now merely ashes

I try to find beauty
in the chaos of
hopeless longing

for that which I can never
have again

my heart keeps
beating
beating
beating

but I am dead inside

We picked feathers
off the ground and
saved them, hoping we
would eventually collect
enough to fly

when the frost came
and covered the streets in
white dew, we wound count
out how many we had

but it was as if we were
always in debt to the birds
who’d lost them, plucking out
the one thing that gave them
a freedom that we would
never know